A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HI,Im due to get Married in a few months.When im out with my girlfriend it sounds shallow but i feel im supposed to be with a girl that im more attracted too.I have had stronger feelings for girls in the past but i feel i do love my girl as any time i ever thought about breaking it off i would feel very lonley and empty inside.In side I feel that im to be with a tall blonde haired girl that i will always admire to look at as well as been very close too.If I was asked how happy i am generally with my girl i would say 70 to 75%.Please help as I am very confused.Am I looking for perfection?I dont know.Life is short and I want to spend my future with the right one.We live together and we get on well but every time we go away I come home thinking im with the wrong person.This bothers me.Sorry for going on so much.Im in my mid thirties by the way Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Before marriage is when people feel the most excited and positive about their partner. This is before years and decades of being annoyed and let down by them.So if you are feeling only lukewarm about her now, imagine how you will feel in 20 years time! Remember, right now is the best you will ever feel about her or the relationship! As the years drag on in a marriage it will only go downhill as far as the passion and excitement. You can grow familiar and attached and be good friends but if platonic friendship is all you want then why get married only to forsake romantic intimacy and passion? Also what will you plan to do if you marry her then at some point in the future you meet a new woman who excites your passions? Will you then divorce your wife? Would that be fair to her to have just been using her to pass the time until someone better came along? Or will you give up the new opportunities to honor your marriage, the one that you're not feeling all that great about? Seems like a lose -lose situation to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): When did you start to feel this way? How did you feel when you asked her to marry you? Think back to those feelings. You may be having some fear of the commitment. 75% happy is pretty good....I was with the almost perfect man, and as much as I really wanted to marry him, something deep in my soul would not let me. I felt I had to follow through on that gut feeling, and it utterly broke my heart. I hurt for a very long time. But I did meet someone else, someone, whom the moment I saw him, I knew deep in my heart he was for me. He is far from the 'perfect' man, but he loves me, he is loving to me and I love him in such a way, I want to be with him always. He has never been married and says he has never felt it was right till now.IMO, if you marry someone you do not 'feel' you should, eventually it will end when one of you do meet someone you feel immense and utter love for. IMO, this is why affairs and breakups happen. Wait, and be with the one you are meant to be with. It is going to hurt so bad, but ultimately, you will be happier for longer, and glad you did. She may not be a tall blonde either. The man I finally met is nothing like I imagined for me. But I love him like I never thought a person could love another.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (18 February 2013):
dont get married, you shouldnt be feeling like this if it is right for you both. it will be hard but if you get married you will be lying to you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): Beauty fades, OP. We all age, we all grow old. Accidents can happen and disfigurement can be involved. Surgeries can leave scars. There is no perfect body or face.
You should want a woman that wants to be with you through all of lifes up and downs...a woman that will always be there for you.
But, if it doesn't feel right, then it isn't. Then I advise breaking it off.
Just make sure it isn't wedding anxiety or jitters that are making you feel this way.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 The reason you feel like you are with the wrong person is because you are with the wrong person. Take care of the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): If you think you are with the wrong person then do not marry her. It's not fair on either of you and the marriage will most likely fail. If you only feel like that because she is not the tall blonde you are looking for though, then I think you need to reevaluate what it is you think makes a good partner. What if you had the tall blonde but she was a nasty person? What if she has nothing to say and nothing in common with you? What if she was materialistic and only after your money? What I am saying is there is a lot more to a successful marriage than being your physical ideal. I don't think it sounds like you love your current partner enough to commit to her, but I do think you need to have a proper think about what it is you do want in a wife aside from the pretty packaging.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2013):
 if you have doubts about her as a person, then i would not get married.
However, if you think you should be with a tall blonde, that's just wrappings.
Hair color changes
height even changes.... people shrink as they age.
you day "i feel I should be with a tall blonde I can always admire" what if you find this tall blonde... and you fall in love... get married... then she wants to be a brunette... do you tell her ... "NO I MARRIED A TALL BLONDE TO ADMIRE not a brunette... you can't dye your hair"?
the issue is that you don't love the woman you are engaged to enough to see past that. If you truly loved her enough you would not care that she's not a tall blonde.
my husband loves me.. I'm not a young petite Asian lady... my hair was curly and red when he met me.. now it's dark brown and straight... wrappings can change... the insides of a person do not change... if you are still concerned about the wrappings I think you should break the engagement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): The problem isn't that you feel this way about her. Your feelings are what they are, they are there for a reason. The problem is that despite your feelings you have chosen to marry her due to the fear of being alone.
Should you marry her? Well if all you care about is not being alone then sure marrying her will solve that, practically anyone will do. It just depends on your goals. No one can tell you what your goals for your life should be.
Also bear in mind it is very possible to be lonely while in a marriage. In fact some of the loneliest people are those who are married. It happens when marriages not only do not provide fulfillment but also are now an obstacle to the person seeking and achieving fulfillment on their own or elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 If you have doubts, then you shouldn't get married. It's not fair for either of you.
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