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female
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anonymous
writes: 3 years after being widowed I met man on line that has been a bachelor for nearly 3 decades (married once very young, ended in bitter divorce, no long term relationship since). He and I corresponded for about a month before our first date. From our correspondence we already knew we shared many common views and experiences and liked each other from an intellectual, creative and spiritual point of view. When we met our chemistry was very strong. It was clear we both wanted our relationship to become intimate. He was very honest and decent and warned me that he had left plenty of good women for no good reason and could not be trusted to stay. We came to a mutual agreement that we would have a sexual relationship with no further expectations. I hadn't been with a man since my husband's death and really wanted and needed the physical closeness. I expected this affair to last a matter of weeks.Surprisingly he spent virtually all of his free time with me and became a very attentive, helpful, fun and faithful, affectionate companion for nearly a year. All of his actions demonstrated he was committed to our relationship in many ways. The one giant red flag that was out of sync with the rest of his behavior was that he resisted meeting my family and friends and never introduced me to his. Against my own better judgement and his cautioning I allowed myself to believe that his feelings for me were growing, as mine were because of his perfect boyfriend behavior (except the cloistering part).I became frustrated with the cloistering and decided I needed to move on because I knew ultimately I wanted a conventional relationship that included all of my life and his. Again, surprisingly he was very upset and panicked when I told him of my decision and begged me not to cut him out of my life. I agreed to correspond and try and redefine our friendship as "platonic" but explained I couldn't continue the sexual part because like many women it causes me to form strong attachment and feelings of being in love. He apologized for not meeting my needs, said he admired my strength and sweetness but still unwilling or unable to compromise. Banters lots about his independence and freedom and his social phobias.After a two month hiatus I agreed to start spending time with him as a friend. Once again, surprisingly he takes me out on very conventional dates, won't let me pay for anything, brings gifts, emails or call daily, starts paying lots of compliments and kinda just picks up where we left off without the sex.I'm am sooooooo confused. I was very happily married for almost two decades and dated a lot before I finally found my precious husband. I also raised two sons now happily married themselves. I'm 51 and not inexperienced about men and there differences from women in showing and expressing their feelings. I just cannot accept that this man does not have equally strong feeling for me as I do for him. His actions for this past year have consistently demonstrated that he cares for me very deeply. This man his fiercely honest and loyal and I have absolutely no doubt that I have been the sole object of his attention for this past year. I just don't understand. Can you please give me your opinion why a 54 year old man would go to the great effort that mine has to keep a relationship going if he has no intentions of ever evolving into a more all encompassing relationship? He's an attractive, successful man and I am certain many eligible women would be very happy to date him. It's not like I'm the only woman he could get. Please give me your thoughtful advice and thank you in advance for reading my question which I am sure is longer than you like.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): You know, I could be way off the mark, here in my opinion but one word about your posting caught my eye...social phobia. I have a family member who has this problem so I have seen it, firsthand and how it affects someone with this disorder. Social phobia is fear of social situations. Typically people are afraid they will be embarrassed or humiliated by showing signs of anxiety, saying or doing something which other people will react negatively to, or not knowing what to say or do. You mention he does not want to meet your family-could this be the reason?
From all that you say, about this man-he does deeply care about you. Likely much more deeper that you think. But's he's a troubled soul, likely from something that occurred in his own past. Do you know much about his upbringing, his own family. Social phobias are influenced by stressful life situations (family dysfunction/problems) Is it possible he even is in contact with his family? If his family was this way, he may not have developed the social confidence he needed as a youngster to cope with new situations. Telling you at the beginning of your relationship that 'he couldn't be trusted to stay' was his way of maybe stating, if this relationship get to the point of meeting family and friends, "I'm out of here". People do not change deeply ingrained patterns or lose fears easily, even with the best of intentions. It takes re-training and lots of support.
I feel deep inside of him, he does care for you..in fact, it sounds like he's in love with you. But he's struggling with an anxiety that is hard for him. He does in fact 'cloister' himself and he feels loved, safe, secure with you...thus his panicked reaction when you wanted to call it a day. People with social phobias do this...they seclude, protect and shield themselves, emotionally from social situations where he may be judged or feel like he's being scrutinized...such as meeting your family. You have to understand that is if he does have a social phobia-anxiety, it can rule his life. He sounds like a good man, who is capable of giving you that 'conventional, encompassing relationship you want but he needs help and support from a professional.
Begin by communicating and talking about this. Ask him if meeting your family is hard for him..it may not be that he simply doesn't want to-it sounds like he can't. You both need to examine both your expectations about this relationship and how he can cope better. He needs to be totally vulnerable and honest with you and quit hiding and disguising his insecurity about this phobia. I really think this is the crux. It is time for you to learn the true details of his hidden problem. In addition, he needs to slowly learn how to enter your world and become comfortable in it. This will take time. You need to know it and understand it, because this is part of him. Of course, expect him to do the same for you. You are a team working together to design the lives that you both want. There is nothing, in my opinion, that supports one more than a solid, strong relationship but when one of the partners is floundering with a problem, the other should support and encourage them to seek some help. As I've said before, you know him well. Ask him how he really feels about meeting your family and friends? Could this be the reason, many of his past relationships didn't pan out?
Investigate and gently bring it up with him. He sounds like a super guy...I'd hate to see you give this all up when his problem can be rememdied with some help from a good therapist. Keep us updated and as I mentioned before, this is just a hunch I felt when I read your posting. I could be wrong, but I thought it was well worth mentioning to you, anyways. Take care dear...
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