A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd really appreciate some advice please. After being made redundant a year ago and only managing to secure a few temporary contract jobs since, my life has seemed to have taken a downward spiral, as have my finances and relationship.I'm 35, with no job, no money, forced back to living with my parents and, having suffered an injury was unable to work for 2 months which got me down much more. I'm on incapacity benefit which is barely enough to cover my outgoings so have resorted to having to accept handouts from my parents which I am so ashamed of. My benefits are about to run out as my arm is nearly better but I still can't get work. On top of that, my boyfriend has been cheating on me for some months now (haven't caught him in the act but the evidence is all there) and has been totally unsupportive to my situation, as well as quite emotionally abusive.My confidence is at an all time low, my self esteem is zero and I don't even have the money nor motivation to see my friends or go out anymore. I couldn't even meet a new man as I really don't see that anyone would be interested in me with no work, living with my parents, no money etc. I'm seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist but she constantly cancels my sessions due to being sick so I'm not even getting the help from outside. I feel so trapped, useless, unattractive and uninteresting to be around. With no money, job, boyfriend, hope, how do I get out of this mess?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey boredPRI, thanks - your advice was brilliant and you have inspired me to actually sit down and make a real plan of action. I think I have just got stuck in a rut whereby I'm drifting day to day, focusing on all the negatives. I guess it's about mind over matter right, and finding the strength within to challenge all the bad thoughts and clear out the mental cobwebs? It's hard but I will try.. :-)
A
male
reader, boredPR1 +, writes (27 June 2010):
sorry this a bit longer than i intended it to be and my grammer is awful. I created this account just to give you an answer that was written by someone who is in a similar situation and knows how bad it is.I am 26 with no job, my girlfriend whom i lived with for 5 years said i was too nice and she wasn't happy so i left, i moved 200 miles back to my mothers house in Preston, I have been very sad for a year, i have not been able to find a job, but recently I decided that i have to get out of this situation because its killing me, so i thought long and hard about how to do it and i came up with this plan of action.firstly i decided to get fit and healthy, i had lost a few stone since i moved back home anyway, I have now done this stage and i feel a lot better and more motivated.I am now looking for a job, i started filling in on line applications which is very soul destroying, tedious and time consuming so i decided yesterday to just print out a thousand copys of my CV with a cover letter stating that i will consider any position available and i am sending them all out to every company near where i live, i shall do this until i get a job.once i have a job i plan to save up, i might not be able to go out with friends for a few month or so but i am prepared not to, i shall save enough for a deposit on small flat in the town centre and move out.once i have my own own place and a job i will start going out more with friends and meeting new people.my plan might not work for everyone but i think it is important for you to make a plan, make some goals and try to achieve them, with no goals i drifted i did not even know what day of the week it was most of the time.now i feel like i am on trackif i was to suggest a plan for you it would be this:end it with your boyfriend, have no contact with him all, if he is cheating, unsupportive and emotionally abusive then your relationship will not be very long and happy if he was going to help you he would have by now. Get fit, trim down and you will feel a lot better, look alot better and you will be much more confidentI know that you say you are on Incapacity Benefits but if you can work then look for a job, if you can't work you can probably find a way of making money online i made about £3000 selling utter crap on ebay last year (you could do this in addition to Incapacity Benefits)Then get the a little place of your own, at least a few miles from your parents house and start your life again.It may take a long time but being in control of your life is the only way you will ever be happy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): with regards to your BF Were you not married legally? If not obviously you can not do much about it. with your condition, if you are not married, you will have to be ready practically to be with your parents. This is why i always value the marriage concept as compared to trial and error kind of GF - BF relationships. So my advice will be to get adjusted to new realities and time will heal all wounds
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Buy a vibrator and a cat to replace the boyfriend and the need for a new man.Why? Because you seem to be heavily dependent on men. You still go the BF who you have evidence of cheating on you, who isn't supportive and emotionally abusive, but you are at the same time looking to hot-swap him for a new model.Because everyone knows decent guys just are constantly looking out for 35 yr old unemployed women living their parents in bad relationships. Men are not completly stupid, we can tell if a girl is going to be trouble. Dating a woman in a bad relationship is useless unless you just want to get revenge sex. (don't knock it, you can get some out of your class women when they think "if I do this guy, that will totally upset the other guy")The current bf is bad, so end it. And right now you are not in the right state of mind to get a decent guy. The very idea that you want to get a new guy when you are still with the old guy proves that.If you rid yourself of the dependency on cock (why else are you with someone who emtionally abusive? For the mental support?) you can concentrate on the rest of your life.The economy is down the drain but there are still jobs available. I know this because we have been trying to hire for over a year now. Nobody available. What is your training? Can this be upgraded to make you more desirable for employees? What do you want to do? Is that realistic? Can you switch to something for which there are jobs available?You might be ashamed to be relying on your parents once again, but it also gives you breathing room. Instead of feeling miserable, why not use it to turn your life around? Drop the emotional baggage for now of the walking penises and go back to school, learn a new job. Doesn't social services/unemployment in England offer placement services? Programs that help you find out what kind of job you want to do and train you for that? I know it works in Holland but I also know that often the biggest issue is NOT the lack of skills or the perceived lack of jobs, but the emotional baggage people are dragging with them. How can a trainer boost your confidence if your bf will drag it down again, or your desire for any man at all will occupy every waking moment?Limit the issues in your life and deal with them as much as possible one at the time. First, get rid of the boyfriend.Second, accept that you are lucky your parents can still support you, and use it. Third, find a new career.Fourth, become independent.Five, then when you are emotionally and financially stable and independent, you might encounter someone to share your new life with. Maybe, but this NEVER should become a GOAL.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (16 May 2010):
 I think that now you are on the mend then you need to make a plan of action to improve your quality of life. Firstly you should think about ditching the boyfriend. If he has been unsupportive then it probably means there is no future in the relationship. Being single will mean that there is one less burden (i.e. him) in your life. Stop feeling bad about leaning on parents - lots of people do that in these difficult financial times. There is no shame in it but you should seek independent financial advice to get yourself in a better position. There are several debt-help charities and the citizens advice bureau who can assist with this side of your life. If you are struggling to get a job, perhaps you should consider self-employment. You should take a look at your current skills and see what you could set up with them. You could get working tax credit as a self employed person - even if you do something part-time like selling on ebay or whatever you can think of. You might even get start-up business grants from the local council and you would qualify for 'access to work' to cover any equipment expenses related to your injury. There are many concessions for self-employed people in the tax system and you can find out many tips off the internet on book-keeping and filling out tax self-assessment.As for your sick cognitive behavioural therapist, there are online courses such as this one that can help you while you wait for your appointments (http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): hey hun sorry this has happened to you.ok this sounds harsh but firstly ditch the boyfriend. at the moment he is zapping you of all your self worth and because he knows youre in a fragile state he is taking advantage of that fact . it will be painful but you will feel better in the long run. for now it sounds like you need to give relationships a break and start investing in you. if you have access to a computer there are many free courses available online-some totally free if you have little or no income. learn a new skill get out and meet some new people to inject some confidence into you. you will surprised at how good this feels.see if your local job centre has any courses going or apprenticeships schemes-doesnt matter if youre 35 !!! also your parents are there for you and they know you will pay them back when youre more fixed. at the moment you need ME time. start giving yourself compliments and maybe get an image makeover-lots of hairdressers offer free cuts and colours if youre willing to have a junior do it for you with supervision-something to freshen you up and make you feel worthwhile agin. chin up hun you will get there but for now get out and get some fresh air and start asking about couses and stuff good luck xx
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