A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HELP! I'm only attracted to the so-called "bad boys". The ones in a band, or with dark hair and leather pants, etc. Metal. Goth. Punk. And the one thing in common. They break my heart. Because they start to act like they want something real and play the "nice guy" - but in reality - they are still wandering. I WISH I could be attracted to the dorky straight edge guy who could marry me. But not. It's a problem Im 34 and feel I should be married. What can i do? I can'tsettle for a loveless marriage?
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (30 September 2011):
 " I can't settle for a loveless marriage?"
Hopefully, you would also not inflict a loveless marriage on some poor guy.
The best thing you can do is stop dating or hooking up at all for a while, rethink your priorities, get comfortable with yourself as a single girl, and avoid bad boys completely. Learn to value and enjoy the qualities of a stable, decent man. You *can* do that, if you are willing to take a really hard look at yourself and your life.
There are decent men among goths and metalheads (one of my friends, for instance, though he's married now). You can still find someone there, so it's not the venue, it's your own values. Take the time to really adjust them. And again, don't settle for just any guy who will take you and seems to have the "right" qualities - all you'll be doing is using someone, and inflicting a loveless marriage on them, and on yourself.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 September 2011):
 It sounds like you get a thrill from being with edgy guys who 'appear' to take risks and look like dare devils. Some of them may be who they appear to be, but look at some the top business men in the rock trade and they are good business men, who put on a good act of dressing and acting in certain ways for their adoring public.But in the backroom they can crunch the numbers and be very hard business men. And honorable. And do commit to their partners. Those who are just "playing" at being edgy risky guys and who appear to take risks are often the losers. No wonder they disappoint you. Such guys are often in total denial about the need for fidelity and committment in a Real relationship. They are false and can offer you no hope of a settled happy exciting relationship.You do not though have to make do with some wimp.Some of these bad boys you have suffered are incapable of emotionally intimacy, incapable of remaining faithful. of course they are bad news because they are little boys who have never matured into men. Was your first partner one such guys, the one you lost? Are you seeking to make it work with a guy who is just like your first love? If yes then make an appointment to discuss this repeating broken record of failed relationships going no where. Your first love may well now be a pot bellied slob watching video games all day and creating fake profiles on dating sites.Think of these bad boys as your "áddiction" - and you may need some discussions with a therapist to get over this addiction so you can move on in your life and find real happiness. Bad boys are invariably incapable of remaining faithful. They love the thrill of the chase. Where does that leave you? Continually disappointed by men who cannot remain faithful, whose "word" means zilch. Good relationships are calm. That does not mean they lack excitement. Nor should they lack Intimacy, commitment and faithfullness. A faithful relationship can be very exclusive and very exciting. Passions grow. But what do you endure? Volatile men who let you down. Who do not turn up when they say they will. Or do turn up when they are not expected and think you will be thrilled to open the door to them at 11pm even if you have just washed your hair and were looking forward to an early night. Bad Boys are inconsiderate. You have to dance to their tune. They cajole and charm you out of being disappointed when they are unwilling to do as you request. Disappointing a girl and then acting charming to get themselves out of trouble are their specialities. Bad boys feel no guilt when they let you down. No guilt when they are unfaithful to you. No trouble lying to you if it will get them where they need to be. (In you bed wehn it specifically suits them and their schedule, not yours)At the first sign of trouble the Bad boys are out of there. Forget backbone. They come first, always.They are convincing liars. Their finances are often all about them. Or crumbling, extravagant purchases, but no back up savings for the future. They need a secret stash for their gambling. They borrow, instead of saving. They cannot tell you everything. Because then you would wake up to how often they lie to you.Bad boys are unreliable. And you need a reliable Good guy. Not a boring guy. And bad boys keep wasting their lives, running after the next skirt. Sorry but I think bad boys are acting like dummies. They miss out on so much because they cannot commit. often they are 'show-offs' and full of false bravado.Guys who have really got their act together NEVER need to boast. You cannot "fix" nor "tame" a Bad guy. And I do not sense that you want to do either of those thing. But you CAN waste hundreds of hours on your time on these time wasting bad boys and get no return from all your efforts. Time to refocus.you do deserve more. Make a list of your Best qualities. Make a list of the qualities you think would make a really good permanent and exciting partner. My list would be topped always by "He is respected by his peers". A man who other men like and seek out and gravitate to as a friend (assuming hetrosexual here folks) is a reliable guy worth considering. A guy who other men shun, or do not trust, or speak in a disparaging way behind his back is not a man who is honorable. Men know other Men. men can see through other men much more quickly than other women.Also look at your own presentation. As a girlfriend of "bad boys" I suspect you also enjoy a more risky way of presenting yourself in public. Make an appointment with an Image Consultant. I know you DO NO WANT to even consider this. Hear me out please. You are a product. Looking to attract a new man who will exactly meet your needs. As that product you need to appeal to the kind of man who will give you the greatest joy. I am NOT suggesting grey cardigans, pearls, black pumps and a check brown skirt.An Image consultant can revamp your wardrobe, slightly repostion your presentation and make you look contemporary and "now". Such that you are more likely to look classy and instantly appeal to exactly the type of "now" man who is up with the trends, can be faithful and is reliable. A genuine good guy who will bring you great joy. What is the alternative? You at 45 making do with another failed "bad boy" who has just left his 12th "permanent???" relationship, maybe has a child or two but doesn't see the said children and is still hoping to be the ""next best thing" before he turns 50? Not a pretty site. A bit of flexibility and adaptability could reap you rich and happy rewards in the future. Best wishes for the future.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Oh dear, I hardly think you can classify every leather wearing man in the world as a "bad boy" or every goth for that matter. Most goths I know are sweet and gentle people, people who just enjoy dressing differently. Being goth, or being a band player, or a metal rocker or whatever, doesn't make you a "bad boy". By heavens, I dated a man who played in a rock band, and he learned my favouruite songs on guitar and even sang to me, and was sweet and gentle (didn't work out because I had a clingy ex at the time who wouldn't leave me alone). My cousin now also lives with the singer in a metal band, and while he might be a "bad boy" with his piercings, tattoos and metal music, when he puts his glasses on and watched "Idol" on tv with the family on a Friday evening... well, he's not that bad at all. He also talked about gardening with passion and showed me pictures he found online of what he wants the garden to look like, since my cousin is allergic to close to anything and they need something special because of her.
There are sweet guys out there who have an attractive look. Those guys you like aren't bad because of the way they look. No one can be judged on the way they look. Maybe that is what is getting in your way, you are so mesmerized by the look of a man that you forget to check for qualities that really matter in a relationship. But you can certainly find a sweet guy behind the goth makeup or behind the guitar in a band. You just got to make sure you aren't blinded by your physical attraction towards a person, and that counts for all of us.
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A
male
reader, Thelaird1  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone.
I know many guys that act and dress like that, but it doesn't make them bad guys or mean they will break your heart.
Let yourself be in places where this type of guy goes and speak to them. Engage them in no more than conversation and make friends. Don't rush into relationships with the first guy you are attracted to.
You need to explore yourself and let love gradually find you when it's ready.
Just enjoy being you and not worry that you should be married yesterday. It will happen when the time is right
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 How many 'straight edge guys' have you actually dated? Why not try looking for guys who have the same interests as you, whatever they might be. Having similar or shared interests is a great place to start dating. Get to know a guy, don't instantly label him 'dorky' or 'bad'. Be more openminded, and you'll find it might just get a bit easier.
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