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female
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anonymous
writes: Getting myself into a spot of bother here. I am going out to the movies with a 21 year old male friend tomorrow night. We’ve been friends since childhood, or rather I have been a big sister figure to him and we have only recently been back in contact with one another. I am now 30. I have never been out with a man just as friends before so I’m abit concerned he might think it’s more. His mum has reassured me that it is just as friends, but even so I would like some advice as to what to do if he wants to take things further. He is an absolutely lovely guy, but I think the age gap would bother me. Younger men have asked me out before, and I have declined on the basis of age (which I regret), so how do I look beyond the age difference thing if I did decide to take things further? I want to see the person and not an age.The main complication is that I actually have eyes for another man. He is mid-30’s and single and I would absolutely love to go out with him, but nothing has developed yet due to our shyness around one another. If he asked me out tomorrow I would have no hesitation in saying 'yes'. I don't want to put my life on hold just in case something develops with the mid-30's guy. I don’t know whether I should mention the fact that I have eyes for another guy to this male friend if he says anything about boyfriends or if I should keep my options open (sounds really callous, I know)?I was going to say to this male friend something like ‘I really really like you but I would rather just be friends with you at the moment’ if he does want more, but then I thought am I stringing him along by saying ‘at the moment’? I know it sounds callous but I want to keep my options open. However, I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings either.Is it really possible for men and women to be friends and nothing more? A friend of mine tried to be friends with a guy but it didn’t work because he got a girlfriend who wouldn’t let him see my friend.Is it better to say outright at the outset of seeing someone what you want from a relationship or would that scare them off? You see I am at that age where I’m thinking potential marriage partner which is why I’m thinking I would be better suited to the guy in his mid 30’s. I can’t really see a guy of 21 years old wanting anything long-term.
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female
reader, tinkerbell +, writes (6 January 2006):
The most important question you need to ask yourself is what do you want from your 21 year old friend. It seems to me that you are only considering taking it further because he is a nice guy and because you don't have anyone else yet.
If the guy in his mid 30's called you up and asked you out for a date you say you would have no hesitation! There is your answer!
There must be something missing otherwise the feelings you have for the older guy you would have for your 21 yr old friend!
As for what to say to your 21 yr old friend, make sure you make it clear to him that you are glad you have him as your friend. You could also steer him by staying that you are there if he ever wants advice about dating girls and that you have always wanted a younger brother (if you don't already have one ;)
It is always best to be upfront, don't worry about scaring people off, if they like you enough they won't be. Have enough faith in yourself that the right guy will fight for you! Just be clear that you're not looking to get married tomorrow but you're also not in the business for one night stands.
My final word of advice is if you really wanted you're 21 yr old friend you would know it by now and would be hoping that he would make advances tomorrow! Age really wouldn't factor into it - you would want him regardless!
Good luck and remember, have a little patience and enjoy your friendship!
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