A
male
age
30-35,
*limv
writes:This question is about being true to myself in front of my family and friends. I seem like a normal 25 year old guy. I graduated from college 3 years ago. I have a good job. I don't smoke. Don't drink. I go to church when I can. On occasion, I date girls my age, but I'm not into it all, because I've never been into girls my age. I honestly can't remember a time in my life when I haven't been attracted to much older women. I have started to believe this is something I'm not going to grow out of. My situation gives me sympathy for gay people who are trying to live in a straight world for fear of upsetting the balance of the lives of those around them, even though they're not happy living that way.Two years ago, I started dating online, in hopes of finding an older woman who would answer the questions I had about myself and who could give me the courage to be happy. The youngest woman I dated was 22 years older than me. The oldest woman was 53 years my senior. I had some bad dates, but I also had a lot of good dates. I have had sex with girls my age but I am sexually attracted to much older women. I know what I like, but the problem is with living with what makes me happy. The stress from large age-gaps is a two-way street. It's socially awkward for both the man and the woman.I have been in a secretive, exclusive, romantic, but non-sexual relationship with a 67 year old woman for the last 8 months, and I've never been happier. The only thing that would make me happier, is if we didn't have to hide it and if our family and friends could accept our relationship. I would also like for our relationship to be sexual, but she's very old fashioned, and it's the whole 'no sex before marriage' thing with her. For what it's worth, I didn't meet her online. I met her at the grocery store. She wasn't looking for an age-gap relationship. We were friends for almost two months before we kissed.We have been talking about taking our relationship to the next level, which would include introductions to our friends and family. I want us to move in together, but she doesn't want to live together until after we get married, so marriage is on the table in a very big way. This is an all or nothing kind of thing and there is no 'Try before you buy' option.I have slept with women, but I've never lived with a woman before. I've never shared a bed or a bathroom with another person. I've never shared a complete life. I guess I'm saying that I expect it will be good, but I also expect it to be new and different and that we'll both be getting used to new things.My girlfriend is a two-pack-a-day smoker. I've dated several smokers because a lot of women over 50 are from those generations where everyone smoked, but I've never had a sexual relationship with a smoker. My mom smokes, so I know what its like to share a house with a smoker, but that's not the same thing as sharing a bed. I think I'll do okay with it, but I know it will be different.I know how I feel about this woman and I feel very confident that I want to be with her for as long as she lives, regardless of her age and her smoking. But its such a big all or nothing step and it will include a huge commitment based on faith.She tells me she's not getting any younger and I agree. At 67 years old, time isn't on our side, and I don't want to waste the time we could have together. I want to take the first right step in getting married, but it's so overwhelming and paralyzing.
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male
reader, slimv +, writes (2 April 2018):
slimv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI moved in with her this weekend. I didn’t have a lot of things to move, but it still took some time, and of course, she wasn’t much help, but she did try with the lighter things. We were really too busy to settle in, but we did sleep in the same bed. It’s good but its awkward. She doesn’t want to rush into sex like wham bam thank you mam, and I understand that.Easter Sunday was nice. We went over to her daughter’s house after church and she did the grandmother thing. Her oldest grandchild is a 17 year old boy and his sister is 15. So yeah…like you’re thinking- kind of weird.I don’t really have a lot to say yet because it’s too early, but so far so good and I think I like it. Going to sleep next to her and waking up next to her is the bomb. I was even cool with her smoking in bed. I do think “Awkward” is the word for weekend though. I don’t want to say too much until it has time to sink in for both of us.
A
female
reader, SharonP +, writes (26 March 2018):
Try not to pay attention to the well-meaning trolls on the internet or in your community. Most people are afraid of the things and relationships they don’t understand, whether it be inter-racial, sexuality, religion, age-gap, and in this case smokers. Elderly men have been marrying young girls since Biblical days. Don’t be ashamed of your love for this older woman!!! And don’t be ashamed that you think your girlfriend looks attractive when she smokes. The last time I checked, cigarettes are still legal. But do go into this new living arrangement with your eyes open. The important things right now are that she said ‘yes’, your parents seem supporting of your relationship, and hopefully her family will give this a chance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2018): Congratulations, Sweetie! I’m so excited for you and your girlfriend. I know you both are eager to get married, but I think you’re doing the right thing by living together first. You ended your announcement by saying you are happy but feel somewhat numb and overwhelmed. I think I’d be more concerned about you if you weren’t somewhat nervous and overwhelmed. Deciding to live together with the idea of getting married is a big step for anyone of any age, but even more so in your case.I know you’ve been dating elderly women for the past two years, so if you didn’t enjoy the age difference and feel comfortable with it sexually, you wouldn’t have taken this step. With that said, I agree with Nora when she said your idea of being with an older women is wonderful and romantic. For what it’s worth, I think it’s very romantic and I hope the two of you live happily ever after for years to come. But the reality is that you have a lot of challenges in front of you. You haven’t said how healthy or unhealthy she is, but if she’s close to 70 and smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, I can’t imagine her being in good health. But just because something is challenging, it doesn’t mean it can’t be rewarding. It can be very rewarding to take care of someone on oxygen who needs round the clock nursing care. Just remember to turn off the oxygen before you light her cigarettes.Like I said, I’m happy for you and I’m not trying to talk you out of this. As a matter of fact, I truly do believe you’re doing the right thing by moving in together first. I just think you should keep your expectations in check and in line with her age and condition. I think you’ll be sorely disappointed if you expect her to have intercourse with you once a week. I’m sure she’s attracted to you, but sex is physically demanding. Also, oral sex will probably be a one-way street with you doing all of the giving and getting none of the receiving. Her breathing is probably too compromised to reciprocate. Of course, you should expect her to be able to give you some relief with her hands, unless she has bad arthritis. I don’t want to paint a depressing picture, but you might have to settle for more cuddling in bed than anything else. And be prepared for her to smoke in bed when you cuddle with her because smokers love to cuddle and kiss! But I’m sure that won’t bother you because I remember you writing that you thought she looked sexy and hot when she smokes.Congratulations again, Slim. Be sure to invite us to you wedding.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 March 2018):
 Just don't make any long term commitments. She's not a healthy person and she's older. It won't be long before you'd become her carer and feel guilty for leaving. As I said, I'm a carer and it's tough. It's often very physical, some have to quit their jobs and give up their lives to care for a relative/partner, it's expensive to find good carers, it's emotionally draining and you'll have barely spent any good time together before it goes downhill.
I'm not trying to get you to leave her, just to be realistic about the type of future you'll have with someone her age, when you're barely an adult and have four decades to live before being where she is in life.
Good luck, but please do NOT get married.
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A
male
reader, slimv +, writes (24 March 2018):
slimv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI laid it on the table and pretty much gave her an ultimatum about us needing to live together before we get married. She didn’t like it and she’s the one who used the word ultimatum, but she said she didn’t want to lose me. I’m breaking my lease at the end of the month and moving in with her in April.Last night, I introduced her to my family and it went pretty well. My parents have known all along that I prefer much older women, so my mom has never expected me to give her grandchildren. My mom doesn’t like it that my girlfriend smokes, but she smokes too, so that’s being a hypocrite if you ask me, but whatever.Tomorrow, I’m taking her to her church and we’re meeting her family afterwards. They were more than surprised when she told them how old I am, so we’ll have to see how that goes.I’m happy, but I feel kind of numb. I know this is what I think I want, but it’s a little overwhelming.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): I have been following this with interest as I too prefer older women,but not as old as you like them. I agree with the person who said you have a fetish for elderly women. I don't think thats your fault or its a bad thing. It's just the way you are. I agree with needing to compromise. Even if she doesn't want to live together first, you shoul at least have sex before you get married to make sure she is not doing a rope a dope on you. The way you talk, she seems perfect for you. Even better if you think she looks sexy when she smokes, but not my thing. I like older but I also like good health. Because she is a heavy smoker, you will be taking care of her sooner than later.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (20 March 2018):
They do not say ....Love is blind and marraige is an Eye Opener for nothing . THINK .. .Your idea of an older woman is wonderful and romantic.But have you thought about ..having children...well in this situation this .is...a No No..situation.Compromise is a word that has to be used again and again in a relationship.So suggest in a firm fashion that you both live together..If she refuses....just remain as friends...You have all the time in the world to live your life.So if she loves you..as she says...she will live with you Best wishes.NORA B.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 March 2018):
It's good to see your reply. She's set rules like a grandmother and you've followed them like a grandchild. I hope you see how unhealthy that is. She's also using your young age as a way to get what she wants.
99% of women her age would be disgusted by the thought of dating someone your age because there really is an issue with it. It makes no sense to sign your youth away to someone who's only going to become less able - at nearly 70. Having a 10 - 20 year age gap is one thing, but more than that really needs to be questioned and taken with a grain of salt, not taken to a serious commitment level.
Definitely stick to your living together decision, but it's still a bad idea to marry her. Many older women still have libidos, but most don't feel up to acting on it very often or it rapidly decreases because they're becoming elderly.
You are probably her toyboy ego boost, OP. I don't want to hurt you, but I do want you to be more realistic than you are being. A few months of living together won't give you any idea of her sex drive or your future with her - going to an elderly care home would. Seriously. She could quite literally move into one in the next few years.
Do you want to be with her for 5 - 10 years, end up as her carer, then realise a few years later that you're unhappily married to a substitute grandmother and have wasted your youth? Do you not want to do things in life with a partner that someone so much older can't do or is unlikely to be interested in?
I'm a carer, OP. I visit elderly people in their homes. It's a lot of work and they're not all 80+ or completely incapable. Some are quite capable, but still need extreme personal care to stop them getting infections in their genitals/bottom. Are you ready to do that for her, for the rest of her life?
I'm not saying date someone your own age, but I think you should stick to dating women who are 20 years older, not 30+. If you can't do that happily, it appears your attraction to borderline elderly women is more of a physical/emotional fetish than just attraction. Please don't expect much of a future with her - it really seems like she's using her age to control the relationship and possibly doesn't actually want marriage or sex and that's why she's saying it; to keep you as a dating companion, not anything serious or more than she wants from you.
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A
male
reader, slimv +, writes (20 March 2018):
slimv is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I’m humbled by all the good answers I received. They also opened my eyes a lot. Everyone of these answers is really great. They’re even greater because I thought I knew all the answers when I wrote my question. I think I learned that being book smart isn’t the same as the education that comes from living. I really thought I knew myself so I must know it all.
Reading the answers didn’t change the things I like about older women in general. And they didn’t change the feelings I have for my girlfriend or about wanting to be with her. But they sure made look at things from a different perspective.
I think I could pick something out from every letter that makes me think. I won’t say I liked all the things I read, but they certainly made me think.
1) Andie’s Thoughts: She’s so old fashioned that she insists on waiting for sex until after marriage, but she’s not so old fashioned as to date a younger guy.
2) Calm Tempest: She could be manipulating me into marriage by holding off from sex for a lot of reasons that benefit her.
3) Singing Blue Bird: She added a description of what life could be like ten years down the road and how I might feel about it. When I read that, I started looking at women on the street and wondering how old they were.
4) SharonP: She gave me a lot of food for thought about my girlfriend’s smoking, as did Blue Bird.
I can see how I felt rushed to make a deal of a lifetime. I did that when I bought my first car and I did that when I bought my house. I like my car and my house, but after it was all said and done, I see how I could have done things better or made better deals. I guess I’m very good with patience, and I thought I was showing a lot of patience for dating her without having sex for eight months.
I also read the word “compromise” a lot in these letters, and we don’t compromise. She pretty much set the ground rules, I guess because she’s older, and I’ve been following them.
I know how I feel about her and that hasn’t changed. I’m totally crazy about her and have been since I first met her. I love looking at her and I love her personality and I can really see us being happy together for a long time. But when I think about it, I realize I’m only seeing her at her best when we go out on dates. I’ve never seen her without her makeup on. Right now, her smoking doesn’t bother me and I think she looks kind of hot sexy when she smokes when we go out on dates, but I don’t know how I’d feel about it if she lit up in bed the next morning without her makeup, because we’ve never done that. I don’t know if she’s grouchy in the morning or depressed in the afternoon. I have no idea if she’d want to have sex as much as I want to have sex after we’re married, because the only thing I know is she doesn’t want to do it until after we’re married.
I was so ready to get married, but I’m not so much in a rush any more. I don’t think it’s fair for me not to have a good idea of what to really expect. I do think she should compromise by living with me first. And I can’t bend on that. If I’m as important to her as she is to me, she should want to do that.
I don’t know what she’ll say or do when I tell her what I think about living together first, but I’m going to do it. And I’m going stick to it. When I think about it now, I shouldn’t even have had to think about demanding a compromise, because it’s the only thing that makes sense. I just can’t believe it didn’t make sense before I posted my question.
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A
female
reader, SharonP +, writes (18 March 2018):
I think Singing Blue Bird gave you some good advice. At the very least, it is good food for thought. If you’re not thinking about what life will be like as she approaches 80, then you’re not giving this decision the respect it deserves. If you marry her and stay married to her, without a doubt, you will become her caregiver someday.
I can tell by the passion in your post that you are in love with this woman and you’re attracted to her. I also believe you are being sincere when you say you’re not attracted to girls your age. But I also think Singing Blue Bird is right when she said that can change once an older woman starts to get even older. And 67 is pretty old to begin with, especially compared to a 25-year-old.
I’ve had several meaningful and rewarding relationships with younger men that ended in disappointment for everyone. The intentions were good, but the reality of aging is harsh. I’m 55 now and my boyfriend is 34. We’ve been together for five years, but I don’t know if we’ll ever get married. Ironically, I’m a smoker and he isn’t, so I have some advice for you on that matter as well.
I like what you said about gay people who are living in a straight world. That’s a good analogy and I understood what you are trying to say. My 21 year age gap with my boyfriend is significant and I feel the stares and hear the whispers when we’re in public. But it’s going to be much worse for you and your girlfriend if you marry her. She’s old enough to be your grandmother and that’s going to turn a lot of heads and wag a lot of tongues. Do you honestly believe she’s strong enough to brave that kind of scrutiny?
You said you haven’t introduced her to your parents yet or to your friends. How do you think that’s going to go? You didn’t say whether or not your parents are aware of your preference for older women in general. If they do, then this won’t come as a shock to them. But on the bright side, even if you haven’t told them about your age preferences, they probably already know how you feel. Parents know more about their kids better than you think. My boyfriend discovered this when he told his parents about us. We are very fortunate and blessed to have their support.
As for your girlfriend being a smoker, I think it shows a lot of maturity on your part to be thinking about this before you marry her rather than after you marry her. I think its very unfair for a man or woman to make smoking into a problem or an issue after they get married. If it was a problem after they got married, then it was a problem before they got married. My boyfriend wishes I would give up smoking for health reasons, but he doesn’t hold it against me, he doesn’t try to change me, and he doesn’t try to make me feel bad about my addiction. He understands I’m from a generation that felt differently about smoking. I’m 55, so when I started, smoking was still kind of cool and glamorous. And you better believe it was cool and glamorous when you girlfriend started smoking. If you think her smoking might be a problem, then it will be a problem and you should both go your separate ways. When my boyfriend and I started dating, I was very self-conscious about smoking in front of him. Our first kiss was terrifying, because he’d never kissed a smoker before. He helped me get over my awkwardness by lighting my cigarettes for me. It didn’t matter if we were in public, or in front of his parents, or in bed together. If we were in the same room together, he always lit my cigarettes for me and told me I looked pretty afterwards. That’s what I call a gentleman.
Any way, you seem like a nice guy and I hope this helps and I hope you truly give this the thought it deserves. Good luck to both of you!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 March 2018):
You will become her carer and waste your youth on her. She may be a lovely woman, but her libido will not increase, it will decrease. You will be in your 30s, when she's in her 80s and you end up alone again.
Continue dating, but don't rush into marriage - it's not necessary to make the most of your relationship.
You want to marry her because she won't have sex first. That is a HUGE red flag. She's too old-fashioned enough for sex before marriage, but not to date someone 42 YEARS YOUNGER?! Bullsh*t. Seriously, OP - it's crap. There is no way she's "old-fashioned" if she'll date someone only a few years into adulthood.
OP, you like older women and that's fine, but there is NO POINT marrying a woman you've never lived with or had sex with if she's so much older. Chances are, you'd marry her, then find out she doesn't want sex or only wants it once a month and doesn't fancy it after a year or so.
You're essentially after a fetish about sexy older women, but not thinking about the reality of it.
Do not marry her. You will be caring for her like a grandma, not a wife - like bluebird said.
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A
female
reader, CalmTempest +, writes (18 March 2018):
 I feel as though your girlfriend may have insecurities. There's being traditional and then there's using manipulation. She can see that you're young. That you've got your whole life ahead of you. She's reaching the end of her's. I mean hopefully she has a good 20 years left. But she shouldn't use marriage as a weapon to get you to do what she wants. If she is as serious about this relationship as you are, then simply being together should be enough. Otherwise, you're both cheapening the meaning of marriage by only doing it so you can have sex because that seems to be the key motivation here. She doesn't want you to leave her it seems and marriage will make sure of that. And you won't to have sex with her, so you're considering any stipulation she gives you just to get that.
If this is serious, and you love each other, it should be okay to talk and compromise. Rationalise and come to a solution.
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (18 March 2018):
 Please dont.
Age is just a number, yes, but if you have not had sex nor lived with her, marrying her would be a terrible idea. I understand youre attracted to older women but she will be 70 soon, and when shes 80 youll only be in your 30s. You will face everyday decisions of how to care for her, not romantically but as someone who takes care of a grandmother. Not burst your bubble, but it will affect how attracted you are to her. Many men fall for older women, get old and then somehow start preferring younger women. So who you are now may change.
That aside, regardless of age, dont rush marriage if you havent had sex nor know what it would be like living with a smoker. What may break you both apart will not be age difference but differing values/lifestyles.
Youre young. Dont rush it
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