A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm tired of being like this. I'm 24 and a virgin. Now that in itself I do not have a problem with, but more the fact that it points to other issues, like how I find it incredibly hard to let a guy get close to me. I push everyone away because I'm just too damn scared. I want to do something about it!Some background info. Sorry if it's long but I would really appreciate it if you read through it because I seriously need some fresh eyes to look at it:I've been severely bullied, which started in elementary school and lasted unti I graduated highschool. (It was psychological bullying, but also physical, with violence. I have been beaten up, got my stuff ruined, my bike stolen and lonely birthdays.) At 18 I felt completely worthless as a person, ugly, stupid and pretty much a waste of space. I took up a job at a local store to earn money while i figured out what I wanted to become. At that time I started opening up a little, but I still didn't trust anyone. Then at 20 I got spotted by an agent who said I should model. That did boost my confidence a bit, but not enough to make it out there. There were so many gorgeous girls to compete with and the rejection and the pressure made me quit after 1 year. It made me feel inept allover again. Anyway, now I'm in college studying what I love and I've met cute guys, but I've always pushed them away because inwardly I was scared. What if they didn't like me once they really got to know me? Would they be turned off because I'm a virgin? What if he doesn't like my body? Etc. These questions keep buzzing in my head. I really want to take a chance but at the same time I'm so afraid to do that.Any tips to help me?Thank you so much!
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bullied, confidence, money, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lisa b  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 hi ya hun
u sound alot like how i used to be scared when a guy even touched my arm it is a scary thing loseing it for the first time everyone goes though it will it hurt , will i bleed,will he ike my body ect its a womens way of thinking
when u do get close to a guy try and relaxe maybe have a class of wine to calm u down
as for the bullying hun it has made u feel quite ow about yourself but u have left school and trying to make somthing of yourself i bet if u see them people that made your life hell they are probely jobless and worthless
so babes dont let that hold u back ........... dont let what happen to u in school mess up your chance of love and moving up xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your insight LazyGuy. You make it sound all so logical. I have been taking your advice to heart and I find myself loosening up a bit. My friend commented the other day that I seemed more upbeat so I'm not imagining it.So thanks again for your advice! It really helped.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 April 2011):
 Those recruiters for modelling weren't talking about YOU the person, someone's potential partner the love of their life but a piece of meat to hang clothes on.A boyfriend, the right kind, would be interested in who you are. And that you might very well be a person who isn't terribly secure with herself. So be it. It is who you are.If you were very secure, that could easily turn to arrogance. Stopping you from saying thank you when people answer your post. Making them less inclined to answer further posts.Would you want a boyfriend who wants an arrogant girl?Insecurity sucks and can easily stop you from trying anything new. But being a tiny bit insecure but still DOING it, there is no harm in that.So when you find a boyfriend who likes you, it is okay to worry about the first kiss you will ever have. And then you do it and find out.And maybe you will turn out to be lousy kisser. And turn out to be the best giver of blowjobs who ever lived. Maybe you are a great kisser and he sucks at it? My first kiss failed because we both didn't know to turn our heads. Do you think that should be a bad memory for me?In reality, when it is someone you love. It will always be good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your answer.
Hmm, that is the right question, although it's difficult to give an answer because I can't really pinpoint the cause. I've always felt inferior because everyone always told me I was nothing (even teachers, because I was a silent little wallflower). Anyway, after atleast 12 years of this (which is pretty much half my life) it's really hard to pick yourself up and believe you're worth something.
This inferiority also has to do with lack of experience. I haven't kissed many guys, so I'm afraid that if it gets to kissing he won't like my kiss. I know, sounds very highschool and that's the point: I'm a twenty-something. I'm too old for this shit. And then there's my body. There's so much about it that I don't like even though I take care of myself. Modeling also reinforced those insecurities. At castings I got told so many things: my shoulders were too wide, my bum too big, my arms too toned, my face too "mainstream". My agent would tell me to lose another 5 lbs while I already felt too thin, etc. I know it's not an excuse but I'm never satisified with how I look. I don't have an eating disorder or anything but I'm just never happy with myself and then I wonder how anyone can love me for who I am.
Sorry for the long ramble
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (15 April 2011):
When you talk to a guy you start to like, where does that feeling of inferiority come from? Insecurity is one thing, inferiority another. Do you feel inferior to him? If so why? Whatever the feeling, try to put it into words for yourself, what exactly are you feeling and then try to find out why. It doesn't have to make sense of even seem that important. But for instance a redhead who has always been told redhead sucks (in britain there seems real hatred against them) and looked up to blondes MIGHT suddenly get insecurity issues dealing with a blonde co-worker. What is bringing out these feelings that are stopping you? As said, sometimes it just requires a pro to dig deep enough, to allow you to open up and voice things that have troubled you but you didn't think are worthy of notice because you don't want to be "silly".You are asking "what do to do about feeling insecure/inferior", you should ask "why do I feel this way". Fight the disease, not the symptoms.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your answers! It was so nice to hear from someone who is in the same boat, which seems a rarity these days! Thank you for stopping by, it means a lot!
LazyGuy, you're right, I am insecure. That said I do not walk around looking like a fragile little flower. I do chat and on the outside I seem like a fairly normal person. Everyone thinks I lead the same sort of lives they do, though they do notice I never talk about relationships.
I deal with a lot of self loathing on a daily basis, though I do stop to enjoy life. I'm not bitter, but I have what I call love anorexia: I deny myself the chance at love because it's safe. At the same time I do not want to keep going like this because I never thought at 16 that I would still be stuck like this, and I don't want to be 30 and end up thinking the same thing. I want to tackle this before my youth is over. Not just the virginity--that's just a detail.
My problem is that once I get close to a guy this lack of self worth sets in, and I start feeling inferior to him, which in turn makes me even more insecure. It happens every time. Any ideas on how to deal with that? And yes, I know you guys aren't counsellors, but everything is very much appreciated.
Thanks again for your time
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): Wow this kinda freaked me out reading it, because it's as if I wrote it. I'm 24 virgin as well though I'm a guy. Bullied and had problems of different sorts as a kid.. Never approached by a modeling agent however I'm a pretty good looking guy so I've been told and always have the prettiest girls stare and smile but I don't talk to them I'm not sure why.. so I'm not sure I'd be considered "fresh eyes" I just don't let people get close to me.. not sure if its trust issues or.. but anyway like you I'm sick of it. It's like I will feel a girl is not good enough or that I'm not good enough though I've done things that have improved my confidence so that's helped with the I'm not good enough part.
Ok so onto you.. If they don't like you once they get to know you, they can get lost. They don't deserve you if they don't like you... Your no lesser of a person than anyone else and everyone has different life experiences. You'd be surprised how messed up most of peoples lives are that they portray to be perfect. A girl being a virgin is like a dream come true for a guy to have the pleasure of removing that title, and just the innocence behind it even if you aren't so innocent.. Anyway its how I feel and being one myself what better?.. but yea its hot. Your simply feeling self-conscious everyone does to some extent all you can do is tell your brain to shut up and not stress these meaningless thoughts.. don't even think the word virgin cause people build it up to be this monumental thing making it out bigger a deal than it really is, truth is they don't even have to know if you don't want them to, not like sex is rocket science. Different people are ready at different times anyway. Who am I to say all this when I've felt the same? I feel my head is in the right place and I'm ready to change because I'm sick of loneliness =[ and well you your in college so there's plenty of opportunity to meet people there.. or we could kill 2 birds with one stone ha =P anyway hope I helped.. I've never been on this site and google led me to it n just browsing through silly questions saw this and had to answer.. if I can be of further help *shrugs*
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (13 April 2011):
So I think it is safe to claim that you are insecure... why?
The bullying? Maybe but bullies often focus on the insecure because the secure fight back. So, was there something before this that made you an insecure person.
It would up to a shrink to examine this, I am not a shrink and diagnosing over the internet is impossible anyway.
Since you consider that this insecurity is impacting your life, you might want to consider getting counseling. Talking really does help.
As for practical advice. Insecurity hurts most when you are in a strange unfamiliar environment. A party for instance would bring out your insecurity, unknown environment, strange people, nothing to naturally talk about.
So... don't. Talk to people in an area you know, about subjects you know, with people you know. A study group? Hobby group. Club activity. Anything where you got an edge, because you know the subject, you know the people, you know the environment.
Guys scare you? Talk to girls first. Then move on to save men. Guys in committed relationships. Not to flirt, just to get used talking to them. Make friends and maybe through them get introduced to nice guys who you can talk to about things you like and then maybe you aren't so afraid anymore.
The worries about your body, virginity are just signs of insecurity in general and will disappear if you tackle the insecurity and maybe with help the cause of it.
Lets face it, you were asked to model, that means you must at least be slightly presentable and as for a guy being upset about the girl he loves being a virgin... yeah right.
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