A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Most people my age have friends. A couple of good friends and shopbuddies, people they go out with and facebook people. I have pretty much none. I used to have a close friend (we knew eachother since we were 7) but we grew apart over time and because we became very different people living in different cities far apart. I didn't have friends in highschool because I was bullied and everyone shunned me. Afterwards, in college, I got some friends, but we had a falling out (my mom was terminally ill and I failed to deliver on our joint paper and we all failed the subject because of that. They never really forgave me.)I have now finished my education, got the job that goes with it and though I've found out the work does not suit me at all, atleast I have work. But I'm not really happy. I like my colleages, but the contact is superficial. Sometimes colleages invite eachother for drinks, but they never include me. It's not like they avoid me, but they know eachother better. I've tried initiating stuff, but it never made us closer.So here I am. I'm 23 and without friends. Sure, there are people I like, but that's it. I'm sure this has something to do with the way I am.I used to blame circumstances, but I wouldn't have been bullied if I'd been more confident, and I wouldn't be in this situation right now if I was more sociable. The thing is, highschool kinda made me a loner and because my mom is ill, most attention was always focussed on that. The whole family has always been geared toward her and making her life as comfortable as possible and though she absolutely deserves that, it probably had a role in how I turned out. I usually had to make do by myself. We didn't really go on trips, so my parents encouraged me to go places by myself. Because I learned from an early age not to depend on other people, I never went out of my way to include someone else. In hindsight, I see how I could have befriended several people, but contact just got lost because I forgot or just moved on.How can I be more sociable and become a good friend to depend on? Being independant has become an obstacle in my case. Sometimes I think about giving it all up and joining the army. Sorry for the long post, but I really need some honest opinions and advice. Thanks in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): First take a look at how much you have accomplished. It's easier to focus on our faults, but make a list of all the things that you have succeeded at- you made it through high school, graduated from college and are working. It's very difficult to have an ill parent- many of your friends have probably never been through that and didn't know what to say or do.
You have a lot going on, so try and cut yourself some slack. Friends come in and out of our lives- no one is permanent. Take some time to work on yourself first- write in a journal, think about your passions in life- what do you like to do? Adopt a dog or cat, or get an aquarium with fish to have some company.
Then start pursuing your interests- learn a new language, take an art class, join a fitness class, volunteer, join a book club, etc. There are travel companies where you go with a group of people on vacation- this way you can explore new places but you won't be alone. Start talking to people and just getting out there. Some may turn into friendships over time, or some may just be merely acquaintances- either way you will be socializing and meeting people.
It also might help to talk with someone like a priest, counselor, or trusted adult about your mom being ill. It is a lot of pressure on you and it might be some relief to get out all of your feelings.
You sound very mature and responsible for your age- don't let your past get you down. Believe in yourself always and hold your head high. You have accomplished a lot in life so don't forget that! Take care!
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 I was in a very similar situation at your age; I was still in college. My parents moved our family from Florida to North Carolina when I was in high school and it SUCKED... I spent every lunch hour crying in the guidance office because I didn't know anyone to sit with, I spent prom night at home. I went to college and I worked 50 hours a week and had no social life at all... life was a drag until I studied abroad in Mexico for a semester. There, my life changed overnight. I went down there on scholarship.
I think that location had a lot to do with it; people are friendlier in Mexico but also, I was in a place where I could meet people with whom I had things in common, I had more time (I had a job down there but it was just a part time internship), I just felt like I had a higher potential has a human there for some reason.
Sometimes, in order to start a new life, going to a new place really helps! You're 23, it's not too late to see the world and travel. Even a different state may help... I lived in a crappy town where there weren't opportunities and everyone was very closed and cliquish (Greensboro, North Carolina... YUCK!!). People are friendlier in some towns than in others.
Joining the army is a serious commitment... but you shouldn't rule it out, you should look into it. In the military you'd have the opportunity to see the world. I know it's scary with the war going on, but no harm in looking into it. Also what about the Peace Corps? Or some other military branch like the Navy?
Oh, and don't take bullying from ANYONE. I used to get bullied in school... then I started hitting back and it stopped right away!
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