A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, people who may be able to help me. Here is where I am going to whine about my problem:Okay, so, I'm twenty-two, lesbian, and have been with my girlfriend for over a year now. At the beginning we had our ups and downs, as in all relationships, but now...Well, now I have no idea what to do. We have no intimacy, sexual, emotional or intellectual. I love her and I want her to be happy, but it's very clear that she's not. I try to get her to talk about things, but she says she doesn't even know what's wrong herself so how could she tell me? We haven't had sex in six months. It's true that I have always had a pretty big libido, but she used to be able to... well, match it, let's say. Now? Nada. It's as though she thinks that if I really loved her, I wouldn't want to make love to her. The worst part is that I start to believe it and think that I'm sick for wanting to sleep with her.Not only that. If I try to talk to her about anything, she says I'm boring her. Things that interest me, anything about my life, she sits there and then says, "I wasn't listening at all." If I don't say anything, she says "You're so boring! You don't even talk!" I try to talk about things that interest her, and then she says, "I don't like anything. You're giving me a headache." Nothing I say is ever right. If I try to do nice things for her like bring her presents, make her dinner, clean her house etc she either says "You know I don't NEED you to do things like that, I don't NEED you for anything" or else ignores it.Because of our lack of sex-life, she's insanely jealous of all the other women I know, straight and gay - although she knows very well that I don't cheat on her. She criticizes everything about me ("You're too fat, you talk too much, you only like to go out and party" - and then "You're getting too thin, you don't talk enough, why don't you go out and see people?"). If I agree with something she says, she tells me that I'm a wimp. If I disagree, she says that all I do is contradict her and that she's sick of it and won't talk to me about anything any more.Obviously she's in a huge depression, and I don't know what I can do to take her out of it. I tried to get her to see someone, but she said "At my age, I'm never going to change" (she's 36). I try to do nice things to her, to listen, to give her space when she needs it and be there when she needs me... the only result of that is that I've turned into a complete doormat.And then she tells me that she's a monster and that I can do better, and she knows how terribly she behaves and that it's not my fault, it's hers. I really don't know what to do. She tells me that she loves me and then the next day she tells me that her dog is more important to her than I am ("but darling I do love you, it's just a different kind of love"). This is a very bad situation, I think.So... uh... advice? Apologies for Length of Ranting. But I am quite unhappy.
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jealous, lesbian, libido Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): Im a lesbian and my partner hasnt been very intimate either, but your girlfriend....wow. Move on, you deserve way better. She treats you like crap!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2007): Hello. Here's another update, if anyone is reading my uninteresting life story (yes, yes, Complaining Girl once more). I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday night - not very professionally actually, it just sort of happened over the phone.
And of course she keeps sending me messages asking for one last chance and saying that she'll change, and things will be the way they were. And of course I am horribly guilty and still love her, but haven't given in yet. I told her that we both needed some space and some time to breathe, and she wrote back and told me that she wasn't going to beg.
I just noticed the telling use of "yet" in the above paragraph.
Why on earth do I still want to be with someone when logically I know that it's going to make my life hell? Why do I always remember the good things and manage to wipe the last six months of torture from my memory? And why do I always feel so guilty about every little thing?
Ugh.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 May 2007):
 Hi C.G.,
It is OK that you love her. It is OK that you feel obligated to care for her after the break up.
It is NOT ok, for you to stick around to be her mother, and make sure she is fine. It is your job to mother YOURSELF. It is time for you to heal, and that is going to require you to abandon her completely.
I think you may be looking for a way back in, by keeping any ties with her.
Be safe.
-FBK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): Hello. Complaining girl here again. Thanks for your answers. Frank, I didn't find your response overly harsh at all. But at the same time it's a little deeper than that because I know that she genuinely does love me. That - strangely enough - I have no doubt about. The problem lies with her, not me.
Still, you're both right and I have to end it. I still feel a lot of responsibility towards her and I want to make sure that she will be okay afterwards, because despite her temper and her accusations and her permanent criticism, despite all that, she is a good person. There is a reason I still love her, and it's not because I'm a masochist.
Ah, dear. It's going to be tough. Thankyou again.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Frank is right, she doesn't love you, she may even be so screwed up that she is incapable of loving anyone. Get out of this relationship now, it will not get any better. Nobody should live in misery. You are not responsible for her mental problems so just leave and move on. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (16 May 2007):
Ouch. I was in EXACTLY this type of relationship a long time ago. Basically, she is not interested in being in a relationship with you, BUT she does not have it in her to take the lead in her own life and break if off herself. She acts insane so that you will be driven to take the responsiblity for breaking up with her.
She is neurotic, and the danger with being with someone like that is over time, you start to think YOU are the one with the problem and she is sane. Run away.
When she gets jealous, it is not out of love, it is out of ATTENTION. She just wants your ATTENTION, but as soon as she has it, she is bored with it. The second that it might be threatened, she acts jealous and crazy. It is not you she loves, but the attention and the fact that she is addicted to being loved by you.
You need to get out of that relationship N.O.W. before you get damaged any further. When she chases you (and she will), it will not be becuase she wants you back, it will be becuase she just wants the thrill of getting you back, so that she can repeat her pattern of drama all over again.
I hope you understand this reponse is not meant to be harsh, but when I was where you are now, I wish had gotten this perspective.
-Frank B Kermit
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