A
female
age
30-35,
*eacupdreams
writes:I could really do with some advice as I don't really know who else to talk to.I'm a confident 21 (nearly 22) year old training to be a lawyer. I have my own interests, am comfortable with who I am, have lovely friends and a wonderful family. I have been told I'm attractive and most people, when they realise I've never had a relationship, are shocked. I know it's asked a lot and this question is out there so much but mine is a little different.I'm 21 and I've never had a boyfriend, had sex, kissed anyone... hell, I've never even been on a date or held hands with a guy.I've only had 1 guy interested in me and I've been interested in two properly.1. He was my best friend. He told me at a young age he felt strongly for me and I freaked out. I basically didn't speak to him for a LONG time. I was shy and nervous. Few years later we got back in touch and I told him, over messaging, that I used to like him back then. We met up (it took a LOT for me to go!) and it was nice. I went to Uni and chickened out on him coming to visit me.2. He was my best friend at Uni. I fell hard for him. He got confused about his feelings and kinda led me on even after I told him I had strong feelings for him. He's the only guy I ever opened up to and ever let come anywhere near me. Basically, all we did was fall asleep together but I could have cried at how amazing it felt.So, all that said, I am pushing 22 years old and I have this fear of intimacy that I don't understand.I have no past history of abuse or parental issues etc as most people usually ask. My parents are divorced but so are a lot of people's!The brunt of the trouble is that I'm TERRIFIED of opening myself up. I don't think it's about being hurt because eventhough the second guy I mentioned hurt me A LOT and I was devestated about how he treated me... I am a tough cookie. I think it's more about letting somoene see beyond what I project.I'm a reasonably open person and I am quite honest with who I am but nobody has INTIMITELY known me. Thinking about kissing someone or having sex frightens me so much that I'd rather avoid it.One day a few months ago I was at a party and my friend told me his friend liked me. I was irrationally ridiculous. I couldn't go near him and could barely look at this guy. I ended up having a panic attack and had to stand outside of the club for a moment.It's difficult because I still feel so young in this respect. I'm a strong confident woman with goals and a life of my own and I am FINE being alone but I am missing out on intimacy and the world of relationships. I want someone in my life so much and to experience what everyone else is... love, attraction etc!I am reaching the point where I struggle to see it ever happening for me. I over think and if I meet a guy, something happens to me and takes over. If I even sense he likes me then I close up and put up these stupid barricades. I protect myself and the only time I ever STOPPED myself and fought against that.... I was hurt badly.Not only this but I have the dreaded fear of sex and all things related. I have your typical desires but it's the thought of someone ELSE knowing that. It's too much to comprehend. Does ANYONE have any advice for me?I'd be so grateful. Thank you for reading.
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best friend, divorce, kissing, never had a boyfriend, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): You aren't alone.
Lots of us don't have relationships that are significant or sexual until we are in our 20's, for various reasons in each person's situation.
Past hurts, divorced parents, etc, etc, call contribute.
I never kissed a girl till I was 21...and I had opportunity, but not the opportunity that I wanted.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010): Hi,
my answer won't be very long but I just wanted to tell you that I had no relationship/sex/selfconfidence until I was 21. So don't beat yourself up about your age.
I'm also very afraid to let anybody near me but when it happens and I'm understood and helped and loved it's the best thing ever. But maybe you're like me, just somebody who warms up rather slowly, the type of person you have to get to know first, before you really see what's beneath the obvious.
I think in that case, approaching someone yourself, at your own pace, might not be a bad idea.
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): Are you too proud to let your inner weaknesses be shown? I have felt that way in the past too. Like the cat that falls off the table, but walks away as if nothing happened, and her dignity was not bruised. In truth, this cat is very insecure, else she would have been able to laugh at herself for her little blunder. The only way you can receive, is if you give. Open up, and you can receive. Remain closed, and nothing can happen. It's a conscious choice you must make.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (25 September 2010):
 This is one of those things that is going to get worse before it gets better.
You'll have to be willing to approach guys yourself - force yourself to be at risk of being rejection, and accept the feeling of being rejected until it doesn't hurt so much. As a girl, you're much less likely to be rejected anyway, but it could still happen.
The instant you feel nervous, move (without thinking about it!) toward the guy in question and say "Hi!" Do not try to formulate a plan, or wait for "the perfect moment," or even take a deep breath. Move without thinking. Saying anything, no matter how bad, is better than saying nothing.
Understand that rejection has essentially zero practical consequences. It feels bad, but nothing changes, so you learn to accept the feeling.
On the plus side, once you meet a guy, going slow is a good thing. Slowly getting over your fear with a great guy is going to help you filter out all the assholes, while building up the emotional intimacy needed for romantic vulnerability. If you're afraid to have sex, just sleep next to him. If you're afraid to kiss, hold his hand. Build up to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): I feel like I'm just like you. I'm a guy and I'm 20 and never been in a relationship or anything. I feel like i wouldn't know what to do if intimacy ever came up. I don't know if I'm terrified of intimacy or anything. But I feel like this is an unknown field that Ive never been too. My problem is that I cant get into the relationship to have the intimacy.
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