A
female
age
30-35,
*LonelyNConfusedGirl
writes:Hello everyone, I found this website yesterday and I think it is very well organized and very helpful as well. So I decided to get help with this question.I am 19 years old and I have very strict parents. They don't let me do anything at all and I can't have a boyfriend. (That isn't the problem though.) The problem is that I can't hang out with my friends..guys or girls. I am in college (school is like 15 minutes away from home so I still live with them.) and when I started I met this guy in a class we took together. He is 20 years old. And also he's white and I'm black. But we have been friends for a year..throughout the first few months of school, my friends were constantly teasing us both about liking each other..and we would deny it saying we're friends. Even people we don't know at the school would ask if we were going out because in school we are always together. Anyways I've liked him since I met him and I think he has liked me also. I'm a very shy person and its difficult for me to express the way I feel. But lately he's been showing these signals that clearly tells me he likes me. And our friends are telling us that we look cute together and we should give each other a chance. Then he said, "Her parents don't allow her to date or hang out". And that makes me feel guilty because that’s the truth..I'm 19 and wouldn't be allowed to even hang out with him as friends. I can't go anywhere at night. Guys are not allowed to my house nor can I go to their house. I explained to him that he can't come over and then he says I can go over to his..which I say no to. I don't want to give my mother a reason not to trust me. He also said his grandmother is racist and that’s another reason why I don't want to go to his house to hang out.My mom goes to a Seventh day Adventist church, but my dad does not..and most of what she believes in the church taught it..Some examples of what you can't do according to the bible. You can't wear any jewelry, can't date someone who doesn't have the same belief/religion as you..you shouldn't have sex before marriage because that is a sin. I've never really had a boyfriend before and I'm still a virgin. I would like to be able to hang out with my guy friend and girl friends at least..he's telling me to just tell them that im old enough to do what I want and to tell them that I want to hang out with him, but my parents won't allow that as long as I'm living with them, which sucks. And once they have said something, they won't change their mind. I basically come home from school and have to go straight home. Nothing else to do..I'm ting to find a job which is a reason to get out of the house awhile.I know part of what they are doing is to keep me focused in school because my parents never went to college and they want me to finish my education before I start to think about dating. And sometimes I don't understand what that has to do with having fun and getting to know others. But the thing is its not the dating part that bothers me,,It’s the simple part that I can't even hang out with him. I've never done anything for her not to trust me and she even told me that she trust me more than my other 2 sisters. Sometimes I just feel lonely and confused on what to do. So I'm just asking for some advice. Thanks in advance for everyone's help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Although I live at home and go to school, and realize that I have the luxury of keeping gas in my car since I don't pay rent and light bill, I still have to remind my parents from time to time that I am not a child.
Do this: Ask your parents to sit down with you one day so you can all talk as adults. Let them know you will speak respectfully but remember to speak with authority. By this, I mean, in a medium tone. Don't yell, you will lose their respect. But don't talk too softly either, you will never gain respect. Make sure your points are clear, consise and be sure to sound confident.
If you don't speak with confidence, your parents will think "Aw, how cute, she's trying to stand up to us."
Let your parents know that if they really trust you, then they should not have a problem letting you hang out with friends. Let them know that there is life after studying and you need one because it is, in no way, shape or form, healthy for you to not have a social life. If you stay isolated too long it gives you too much time to stress over things that are not neccessary stressing over, you won't know how to mingle at job fairs or sell yourself. Plus, your parents know darn well that they won't come home and watch movies or play monopoly with you every time you get board after you study.
Explain to them that having a social life doesn't always mean going out and clubbing every weekend and knocking back a dozen shots or getting laid. You are mature enough to give yourself limits.
The worse that can happen is that your parents don't agree... or possibly stop talking to you. You should let them know that if they can't allow you to live your life as an adult then maybe they should evaluate their parenting. I know they only want to protect you but they are only setting you up to fail in the job market. Social skill are just as important as a degree.
Besides, parents should not try to be friends all the time and it is apparent that your parents aren't gonna be your friends. So how are you going to learn what platonic love or deceit is. Friends also help you build tough skin. If your parents are always protecting you from that, once you get out there in the real world alone, you'll bruise easily.
Only move out if your situation gets out of hand. But make sure you are financially prepared to do so.
TALK TO YOUR PARENTS!!! That is the only way you will gain self-esteem in this situation if nothing else. If they don't listen the first time, try again, and again, and again! The squeaky wheel gets the oil!
My boyfriend was in a similar situation, he talked to his parents and they wouldn't listen the first time because they are old school apostolics and his dad is the pastor of his church but eventually it worked for him because his persistance forced them to listen.
But the only way you will know if it works for you is if you try it... Sorry for the essay! LOL!:-)
A
female
reader, 1LonelyNConfusedGirl +, writes (11 October 2009):
1LonelyNConfusedGirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to Ask oldersister and HereAreMyTwoCents.
To HereAreMyTwoCents,
You do make a good point and I agree. I'm not outgoing at all and it affects how I am around others. For example, I can barely keep a conversation going with someone I've just met because I don't say what I'm thinking so I just sit there and be quiet. I am trying to find a job and will be taking your advice. My mom is mad and not speaking to my younger sister because she's not following her rules and my sister have a bf which she don't want her to have. I don't want to be disrespectful so I follow her rules, but sometimes I just feel like breaking them.
My friends say im sheltered and I agree. I think this will affect me in the future if I don't change. Thnaks soo much for your answer and I appreciate it!
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (10 October 2009):
 You need to move out of your parents home ASAP. What you need to do is find a job, and make sure that your job becomes your first priority, because you will need to support yourself; maybe cut back on the number of classes you take at college for a while. Once you have a job, you need to move out. The situation you are in at home is very very unhealthy, if it is like what you have described. You are 19 years old, do not let your parents walk all over you like this. If you allow this to continue, you may end up in a rut from which you will never be able to recover your self-esteem. Even if your parents never talk to you again, you NEED to do this for yourself. And think about it, if your parents are going to be that harsh on you that they would never talk to you again for wanting your independence you're better of without their influence. The reason that I have the confidence and audacity to advise yout to do this, is because I was in a similar situation with my parents when I was your age. Again, MOVE OUT asap. You must not allow your parents to control you like this another day. It will kill your self-esteem and ability to function.
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