A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Right, this is a long one, so I apologise for it!The usual thing of "my boyfriend isn't really affectionate." but I'm actually willing to offer myself some answers for it, and see if anyone can help me out on them.I know his ex, he was with for a long time, and he did love her, but when he joined the army, she cheated on him 6 times in one week, os obviously broke his heart. That's when he was 16. I met him when he was 17/18 about, and I was 13/14. He had queries about the age, and eventually like a year later (four months ago) we decided to spark a relationship up. I am 15, and he is 19. We do have distance between us, he is based in Germany, and I know how much he does want this to work, because I trust in the fact I know he loves me, this is the first relationship since his ex he has wanted, and he's said i love you to both me and her, and that is it.I have only said I love you to my ex, and now my curreny boyfriend, but due to my past of being cheated on my all boyfriends, and severly beaten up and abused by my stepdad in early stages of my teen years, i'm obviously vulnerable and insecure, which is why I'm probably wanting alot of affection and love, because of this, I've been brought up pretty solitary. I dont' really want to guilt trip him with all these reasons though, but i was talking to a friend of ours and even she said, t just doens't seem like he loves you, i could see how much he loves his ex. But he probably thinks, because of his ex, if he shows his feelings to me, I might use them against him and eventually stab him in the back, which I understand. But when i actually come to talking to him about it (after rehearsing what i'm going to say for ages) it always ends up in me shouting at him, or crying in some way. I just get so emotional but I only think that's because I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. I've been left my alot of guys, never grown up without a father and the only male figure in my life abused me. I just need try and become more secure, and independant and less paranoid etc, so successfully move on in this relationship without smothering him and noticing he may not be as affectionate as i want him to be.Please help, thankyou. (:
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 July 2009):
 Then don't. You seem to be a in mess. Understandable but how many issues do you think you can handle at once?
Lets see, you are an abuse survivor. You are a teen girl. You have a much older boyfriend (the difference between 15 and 19 is huge). You have a long distance relationship. Your bf has issues with his ex. You are in denial about the problems with your bf (making excuses for his actions). You have a history of picking the wrong guys.
The list goes on, but you want to deal with that all at once?
I would suggest you consider the posibility that your current bf might not be a good pick either.
Victims of abuse often seek out affection from the first person who gives them it immidiatly. the problem is "nice" guys tend to take it slower. A typical description of the "bad" guys is "He is so sweet to me when he is being nice". Yes he is. When he is nice. How much of the relationship exists because you want it to exists?
My advice would be to first get your life in order. Deal with the issues from your past and learn to life on your own. If you continue to be dependent on others for happiness you will continue to be played by those who need people like you because of their own issues.
Stop trying to analyse his motivations and work on your own problems first. And it would be best if you do it on your own. As already said, don't complicate your issues by adding on to them.
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