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male
age
36-40,
*fwolves78
writes: hey everyone you guys rock. the girl i love put us on a "break" and during this time she has made out with numerous people and lied about it numerous times. its killing me. everytime we talk it ends up in a fight because i build up so much animosity towards her between the times we talk because of what goes on. we've been together for 1.5 yrs and she decided that she jumped into our relationship too early without experiencing "single life". i think she should have determined that months ago :(. do i wait and disregard the lies? do i have the right to be mad? and is it normal to mess around with with other guys not even 2 days after we go on a "break"? were both freshmen in college. thanks so much in advance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): Honestly, when a partner in a relationship says they want a break because they want to experience "single life" pretty much its like a free pass to hook up without the guilt. Yes you have a right to be upset and angry ...you love the girl and that is how your feeling at the moment...you have a right to actually feel your emotions. However, if shes lying to you about hooking up with guys its because deep down somewhere under all that...she doesnt want to lose you, she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. Therefore, if you love her let her be for now, but dont forget your single too and you can go out too and enjoy your "single pass". Honestly, when a partner says they want a "break" and not a "break up" their only thinking about themselves doing what they really want to do...not actually realizing that there partner can do the same exact thing! Therefore, she might change her mind once you start using your pass !!
~dee
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): I know you love her but I'm getting from your posting, you are still broken up. If so, firstly, how can she determine that the 'single life ' is what she really wanted without first experiencing a committed relationship with someone, namely you? Isn't that how we learn about ourselves. How we determine what we want and where we go in life? There is no time frame on when she should've decided this, hun. But at least you know now, rather than 5 years into marriage, 2 babies and a house mortgage..later. You sound very hurt, angry, jealous and I am sorry but the solution is simple..don't talk to her about this anymore. It's none of your business anyways and you are not entitled to know anything about what she did when you both are on a break. You both were free agents when it happened...no obligagtions. Did she have the right to lie to you...no, but did you have the right to ask. If she hadn't lied, would the pain be any less? Do you have the right to be mad...I don't think so, if you both weren't together. You are an adult-so you are responsible for your choices, your responses and your reactions to things you don't like to hear. I suggest the same..heal, recover and go out and meet other people, and have some fun. If this woman you love is not that into you anymore, there's not a lot that can be done, is there?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): Well, based on others whom have answered a similar thread before, having a break between two MATURE people can be a benefit. However, this clearly shows that breaks don't work for just anyone and everyone.
I for one, don't believe in breaks in general. It's just another way of saying you two are broken up but the psychological concept of a break is that one or the both of you 'mutually' agree on coming back together in the future. The question however is "when?".
You see, generally, if I someone have to initiate a break, then why don't you two split in the first place. It's the same thing. Unless of course, your have criteria's set in place, but that doesn't make sense really. In other words, the whole process of dating and being together is just that - being together to see if your relationship can lead to marriage and possibly more after that. If you're not together, then you have nothing anyway. Being on a break isn't being together. You're still open up to other aspects - eg: kissing and sleeping around with other people, unless a criteria was set into place, but what's the point of setting criteria when the whole purpose of a break is to give each other room? When you give each other room which usually translates to MASSIVE space and distance from each other, you're not being together. Thus, you're free to see and screw around with other people.
Again, it might as well be called emotional cheating when you're on a break. IMO, it's a retarded concept. This may work for some, but by ht bulk that I've seen and witnessed, this isn't something I would place myself into.
Think about what AngelOfLove just said: "I would use the break and meet other people and try to move on." - so what's the difference between a break and a break-up when you get to meet new people anyway?
Exactly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): sorry to tell you mate but when a woman puts you on a brake and straight away goes off with other guys... you may as well just go out with you mates,have a good time and see if you can pick someone your better suited too because shes obviously not thinking of you.
good luck, and hope you pick someone better for you
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (19 January 2007):
 Dear Anon,
I think you do not have the right to be mad if you were on a break.
If this girl is kissing guys 2 days after you go on the break, it shows you that she wants to be single and is not ready to commit.
Dishonesty is not a good basis for any relationship. Even though you love her very much, she is not right for you, not yet anyway as you both want different things.
If you carry on and wait, I foresee you getting hurt even more.
You deserve someone that can give you the same commitment, love and respect as you are willing to give.
I would use the break and meet other people and try to move on.
Good luck x
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