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male
age
36-40,
Daniel the love doctor
writes:What do you do when you've discovered that your partner has been watching/hiding porn?This is a question that many women, in particular, want answers to.Here's my view on it... -First,you should have a talk with him. As hard as it may be to keep your emotions in check, you should definitely try. So no yelling, arguing, or belittling. If you confront him out of anger, you could put him on the defensive- and/or cause the conversation to take a negative turn. Listen, and try to get a better understanding of why he likes what he likes. The point here is to have a more open line of communication so he wouldn't have to do things out of secrecy.-If it's an actual problem/addiction, you may want to encourage him to seek help from a therapist,(even if you have to be apart of it like in marriage/couples counseling), a close friend, or trusted family member. Use whatever resources that you know can help him overcome his issue. In your sex life is suffering because of this, and you just need to add some spark into it, you may want to try...1. Watching the porn with him. This is a big tun on for many men. Just the thought that their woman is watching it with them, may make a guy want to be more intimate.2. Acting it out with him. Of course you should do the stuff that you feel comfortable doing. But don't be afraid to step out the box a little bit to try new things. In addition, many movies have a lot of role-playing scenes. Why not dress up every once in while to spice things up? You may find it fun and exciting.*****************************************************************Additional resource:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ideas-to-keep-the-romance-alive.html
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male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (11 October 2011):
Daniel the love doctor is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks Anonymous reader for posting your comment. :^) And yes, we all should be discussing things as normal human beings- not cavemen.
I also want to thank you for your thoughts on the human brain (specifically a woman's brain), and genetics that flow way back in history. These subjects have always been a great interest of mines.
Best Wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Women are very competitive with each other. Much more so than guys. I don't think men understand this. That's why porn is so hard for some women. Just as some women are hard wired to hold onto their man, to ensure their offspring suvive, with his good genes, over any other in the "tribe..." some women are hardwired to steal that man away. There was a recent study on this. The women who actively seek out married men over single men. That "code" must be better, they already have a wife.That's why some women get defensive and see porn as a competition. It is deeper than just insecurity. Deep inside our primordial brain something is saying "why her and not me???" Some are more likely to feel that than others. It is our job as civilized to work past our primal instict and discuss these things like people, not cave man.
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reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (10 October 2011):
Daniel the love doctor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright. Thank you all for your responses. Now let's see if I can address your comments....To HappyPlace- I appreciate the fact that you stepped out of your comfort zone and watched porn with your man. And besides the desensitizing and mood stealing effect that it may have on some relationships, it also can provide benefits. What I'm talking about goes simply beyond just watching it. If you used it as a guiding tool for trying new moves, finding out new positions, and figuring exactly what in the movie tuns him on, you could've used it to benefit the both of you. Now watching porn with your partner may've not worked for your relationship,but it does help some. But you did something that I talked about in the final tip- and that's role playing. I always encourage trying new things to spice up the sex life, and that's what you did. And I'm glad your sex life is great right now. And by the way, if he would've chosen porn over you, then he wouldn't have deserved to be with you. But I'm glad that you're happy in your relationship. To the Anonymous reader- I appreciate your comment. And though I don't agree with everything that you've said, you've provided an interesting view on how it applies the caveman/woman. But I do agree that it's better to have everything in the open, then to be kept secret. To person12345- First let me say that I think you have a very interesting article on this subject, and a great amount of responses. :^)Now...Under no circumstance am I implying that it's the woman's fault that the guy is watching porn. In fact, he may've been into it way before she even came into the picture. And as I mentioned to HappyPlace, it may help some, but it may not help others. It's all about the couple who's watching it. There are so many guys that I've come across in my professional career that have fetishes, sexual fantasies, and overall things that they would like to try- but they're too ashamed, embarrassed, or unsure on how to even bring it to their wife/girlfriend's attention. Many have the fear that they're going to be viewed differently if they do. If the woman takes a look at the type of porn he's viewing, she can get a better understanding of what he likes. And by the way, if the woman feels that she's competing with the porn that he's watching, then there's a problem. If he puts porn before the relationship, then there's a problem. Those problems, along with other things I mentioned as an addiction, should be addressed and worked on through a counselor.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Biggest misconception around porn is that if women are hurt by it, they must just not understand. Given that every study I've ever seen on porn use in relationships finds a negative impact and that the majority of studies I've seen on porn use in the general population find a negative impact on the user's views of women, sex, rape, ideal body type, etc..., I see no reason why it should most often be women hurt by porn use who should change to accomodate the person using porn given that the only positive is that it improves masturbation.
Also the idea that spicing up your sex life will help is almost always false. Most porn users don't use porn because their sex life is lacking, for most it is a habit, one that wouldn't be stopped for any amount of sex. Also saying that spicing up your sex life will help with this implies that it's the woman's fault that he uses porn.
While I agree that there needs to be communication, the only person you are saying needs to open up is the woman. Basically this article is how she can better accept his porn use, how she can do more to try to compete with porn. In my large amount of experience talking to users and partners of users, women dating users typically have no problems talking about porn use whereas users will almost always clam up, often becoming extremely hostile about discussing their use, even under non-confrontational circumstances. I've even heard of men getting so hostile about it as to become violent when asked to discuss porn use. So while I think communication needs to happen, I think you're addressing the wrong group.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Men always say "It's just a guy thing to watch porn, it doesn't mean anything." It probably doesn't most of the time. Because the cave man is hard wired to find as many suitable women as possible for his genetic code. But ironically women are wired, and I mean the cave woman part of a woman, to attract a suitable mate and hold his attention. She wants to find the genes in a man to make her offspring thrive, but also the "protector" hunter or whatever. That's cave man people, which still exists in all of us. So if she has a good man, she can't stand having that attention away to another woman. Some women are more connected to that than others. Just like some men are more connected to it than others. Every man does watch porn, even if some deny it. Some watch a lot, some a little. Some women watch porn, too. It is healthy to discuss this. It can be hard for a woman, and you have to choose. What's worse? He's watching porn or he's out cheating? And if you freak out, he's just going to hide it. Then who knows what he will have on his phone, computer, etc. Better having it in the open.
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reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Communication is the key, of course it is. However, some men are unable to articulate their needs/desires. My partner was a porn watcher and I tried to have conversations with him about this but he would just close up. So, I tried to embrace it, watched a few with him, watched some on my own but in my heart of hearts, I am not a voyeur and I really think there is a huge problem if your partner needs to watch porn to get off. I would refute what you say about watching it with your other half. It did not work in my case and I believe to increase my partner's desire for me, it was necessary for him to give it up and not watch it at all. I gave him that ultimatum, but it is still ultimately his choice whether to stay with me or leave. My libido is not great at the moment due to illness, but I fancy the socks off my partner. He's smoking hot sexy and he's a smoking hot lover and his desire for me has increased since he gave up the porn. When we do get down and dirty it's awesome. We role play, we try new moves but none of this would have happened if he continued to watch porn. My security and contentment comes from knowing he no longer watches it and our relationship has improved ten fold. He also watched someone who is not the brightest person in the world and this offended me too as I rate intelligence above everything else. I then explained to him that whilst I understand that, for example, David Beckham is good looking, the fact that he's not the brightest spark in the world just puts me off him completely. He totally got that and fully understood my reasoning, as he is very intelligent himself and has an exceptionally high IQ. So, after 6 years together we've muddled through and I couldn't be happier. I'm fairly sure that had he chosen porn over me, then we would no longer be together and that would have been my choice!!
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