A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My 11-month relationship ended a week and a half ago. It started with me bringing up his gaming habits and completely ignoring me. He did this during our 5-6 month phase. He talked about it then, and he said he does it because he doesn't know what wrong. The last that he gamed mindlessly like that was with his last girlfriend when he fell in love with someone else. Back then, it wasn't the case for our relationship. It was more the novelty of our sex life starting to fade away (we passed our honeymoon phase). And he went into details that he was sad, with work and friends. We talked about us also, and I asked him if he see a future, he said, "I don't know". I took a offense to that, but since then accepted it and didn't push it. He mentioned that he was stress and there was something that he wasn't willing to be open about. He made a comment that he should go see a therapist. I asked him if he wanted us to take a break, and he said no.Now, forward to two weeks ago. The week before my ex broke up with me, he had the toughest two weeks at work. He boss was making him miserable. The job that he was promoted to was not at all how he expected it to be. It got so bad that he looked up for a psychologist so he'd have someone to talk to. During the two weeks of work hell, I had been there for him to distract him and make him laugh when at times he would not speak at all, it looked as though he'd lost all hopes.A week went by and things at work got better for him. He confessed to me that he had anticipated on quitting, and quitting would have sent him packing back to his home country. Even though things seemed to have gotten better for him at work, he was still playing games even though we hadn't seen each other in about a week. ( During the two weeks of work hell, I just let him play games until his heart was content, and never complained). So I thought when things settled down at work, he would be able to spend time with me. The only time we were together was with other people. And when we were alone on our last weekend together, he indulged in computer games.So I calmly brought it up to him. I told him I wasn't mad or angry, that I was just annoyed. I explained the reason I mentioned above to him and added that I feel neglected and that I was convenient for him, because he has no family here. He said I was right, he had been neglecting me. He quietly confessed that he didn't want to think about anything, and just wanted to run away from everything. He was not happy. I asked him to be more specific. And again he mentioned, work, friends, relationship. He didn't know what he wanted. I told him to start with what he knew, and that was our relationship. He said, "I don't see a future with us. I fell out of love with you." He started to cry. It didn't it me hard. I told him it was okay, he can't control how he feels. He said while sobbing, ” We’re supposed to be a team. You’ve been here for me for the past two weeks. And I haven’t been there for you. It’s not fair.” He also told me to go be happy, and I’m the most selfless person he knows. I asked him when did this feeling surface and he said, "I don't know. It'll all be clear in a few months." I told him, in his heart of heart he knew the answer, but he didn’t want to be honest with me. I asked him to be honest with me before I left, and he shook his head.We hugged goodbye I told him I was (am still) okay this the decision, because I put in my 110% percent, but let him know that he didn’t. He told me, “Fair enough” and sobbed again stating that this was the hardest thing he ever had to do. I had to see him again the next following weekend to pack up my things from his apartment. When I showed up, I was content, I even smiled when he opened the door. The apartment was absolutely dark, he looked disgruntle. He asked how I was doing, I said, “As fine as I can be. How are you?” He broke down, and engulfed me into his arms and muffled, “I miss you.” I was again in the position of comforting him. We hugged for a while, and and he again started to say, “I miss you. I love you baby, I love you.” And kissed my cheek and forehead. He then said, “I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I want. Do you know what you want?” (In regards to our relationship) I told him, a breakup wasn’t what I had in mind. We sat down and he talked. We face facing each other on his couch, and he said, “Damn you, I haven’t cried since Monday (we broke up on Sunday), I was okay until now. And you have to come and look wonderful. I miss you for the past couple of day. But I thought about it, and I think it was the right decision.” He saw I looked sad. He repeatedly apologize. I told him not to apologize but he insisted. I said, “You make the best choice for you.” After that, he told me he made an appointment with a psychologist, but won’t be able to see him until July. I told him that was too far away and suggested to look for one closer to his work rather than his home. He agreed. He helped me pack my things and made sure I kept all the gifts he gave me. We has a couple of lighthearted moments. He walked me to my car. We gave each other a final hug goodbye. He cried again and uttered, “It’s really happening.” I told him not to be a stranger, and he brought up that it would be easier if I hadn’t deleted him from facebook. I confessed that I was hurting and that I immediately regretted deleting him, because I didn’t want to cut him out of my life. He told me to add him back on when I’m ready. I told him “We’ll talk one day” and I got in the car, and he started heading back to his apartment, he turned and looked back with sadness in his eyes. I gave him a smile and blew him a kiss. It was all bittersweet.Anyone’s been in my situation and what did you do after? If you were the initiator how did you feel after the final goodbye? And lastly, when he said, “I miss you and I love you”. I had no reaction, I didn’t say it back. I don’t know what I’m supposed to make of it...I guess it lost its meaning if there’s no existing relationship. It may have been his honestly feelings, but why say it? (Especially with “I love you” these are very strong words and carries powerful emotions. I don’t throw it around unless I really love someone.I would like some perspective on this situation. I have not spoken to him since I picked up my things. I have no intention of contacting him. I will respond if he reaches, other than I will keep it to myself.
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a break, at work, broke up, facebook, fell in love, I love you, my ex, sex life, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2014):
When I broke up with my first boyfriend (dated from 15.5 years old till past 18) I CRIED more than he did but I needed to get out of the relationship because while I cared about him I just was not in love with him the way he was with me and I didn't want to hurt him any more.
IT was very painful to leave someone I cared about but knew was not the right one for me.
Being the one to break up when it's not over bad behavior but an new understanding that you don't fit wit this one you care about is LOUSY for both the one doing the breaking and the one being broken up with.
You feel pain
you feel hurt
you feel bad for hurting someone you care deeply about
you feel like a failure for not being able to be what they want and need...
so may mixed emotions... tears and emotional upset are normal and expected.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2014): I'm sure he feels bad about it but for whatever reason he was not invested in the relationship. I don't know why he fell out of love. A relationship isn't just about sex and if the honeymoon period came to a close, in a solid relationship you two would've still had alot of other things to build on besides sex. It just wasn't what you thought it was.
I personally have never felt bad about ending a relationship. I've felt sad following a break up because I miss that person or just miss having somebody, but never actually felt bad or reconsidered my decision.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (23 May 2014):
Things happened for the best. He can't emotionally support you and his gaming is his means of escape. I obviously think that the gaming has become an easy means of escape, similar to a bad addiction. He knows this as well so his solution is to let you go. There is no right and wrong. He couldn't give 110% because he doesn't even love himself.
Looking back, as I have been in the situation, I did the right thing to let my ex go. She cried but I knew I would never treat her right or the way she deserved. I needed to work on myself and she didnt deserve to be an option for my life.
You seem like a great person, but don't let this break up bring you down and make you blame yourself. You did your best. He has a long way to go. If I was your friend I would be very proud of you because you handled everything perfectly. Perhaps in the time he may come around or you will eventually find someone who deserves you. No contact, keep your chin up. all the best!
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