A
female
age
36-40,
*exySingleMom27
writes:Is this relationship harder than it should be? My boyfriend is great. He wants to get married and has told me he plans to propose within 6 months. He says I'm the woman he's always dreamed of marrying. He is also an excellent boyfriend and perfect husband material. He does everything he can to help me as a single mother and a student. Trustworthy, dependable, romantic, and always seeking to improve himself. But, I keep questioning if I can do better and if I should move on. He's 100 pounds overweight, a smoker (he's trying to quit), not of the same religion (which is important to me, but he's willing to go to church and pray with me and seems to be coming around). In addition, our personalities seem to clash. Our humor is completely different, I want space, he wants to do everything together, I'm indepenent and self-motivated, he depends on me for inspiration and partnership in every endeavor. I've broken up with him at least 6 times, all on account of insensitive things he would do that he'd refuse to apologize for. We get into terrible arguments when I try to point out something that hurt me and he gets defensive about it. The arguments hurt more than the hurtful event that we would argue about and I felt a relationship shouldn't be that painful and a mate shouldn't be that thoughtless. He eventually comes to his senses and apologizes and he keeps begging me t come back. All these things have gotten better with time. But it's taken a lot of work to change and learn to deal with each other. He says he walks on eggshells to keep me pleased. I am often displeased with things he says to me and the dismissive and defensive attitudes he sometimes has towards me. He often has arguments with people at work and with his family so I'm guessing its not just me who feels his words can be hurtful and insensitive. I can be a difficult person to deal with as well. I have a history of breaking up when things get hard. We've been together 11 months. I wonder, if we have to change so much and work so hard just to get along, is it worth staying?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Good advice so far. Let me just point out something to you that hasn't been said.
One of the hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship is when it is on again off again, and you seem to be the one in this pair who is not committed to the relationship or to him.
If your partner is walking on egg shells to avoid setting you off, and you yourself admit that you argue all the time over insignificant issues and that you think he is defensive, even dismissive, then you may have a problem with the way you deal with anger, you may in fact be quite emotionally abusive towards him. What person with any shred of self esteem not become defensive even dismissive if abused repeatedly?
This is a personality problem that you will carry over to another relationship with someone else even if "you can do better". I think you both should put the idea of marriage out of your head. You have not been together that long, in fact I personally think it takes at least a year and a half to get to know someone's true character. And neither one of you is ready to be married to the other.
He sounds like he really wants this relationship to work. It seems to me that you do not know (either one of you) how to fight fair and how to deal with conflict. You should never shy away from conflict, but dealing with issues through arguing always creates conflict! I suggest that you go and get some counseling and learn how to communicate better and deal with conflict in your relationship. If you find that your basic personalities are so incompatible that you always have conflict, then yes you have a long struggle ahead of you and perhaps neither one of you is right for the other...but I would find out if this isn't mostly a communication style that has created some bad habits in your relationship...that is if you really love him, which it really doesn't seem to me that you do. I get the impression that you are a single mom looking for a husband and any semi decent guy that will cow to your demands will do...at least that is how you make yourself seem here.
I also would like to recommend a book to you "The Road Less Traveled", by M Scott Peck. You say you are a religous person, well this book is written by a Psychologist that bases his practice on religous beliefs. It is a great book that will help you see what true love is and isn't...Your relationship does not have the characteristics of true love and it has nothing to do with whether or not he is good enough for you....take a read, I think you will find it helpful.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I immediately saw a red flag from you with the idea that your looking at your possible husband-to-be as though he were a can of soup in the supermarket. If you do not love him for who he is intrinsically then you don't love him at all and you don't want to get married to him. You also sound like a princess and no guy really wants to hang around and be a servant. It won't last.
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A
female
reader, Mrs.McMeow +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Don’t make him be someone he is not. Love him for who he is or not at all. A relationship is wait for it…WORK… Put down the romance novels and slap happily ever after in the face. First you need to stop breaking up all the time. Break up or actually put in some work and effort. You guys don’t seem like you talk about anything. To be forward it sounds like you place your demands and he decides if he loves you enough to put up with it. So far you have not been too pushy.
You seem to over react also. This needs to stop. I guarantee you that if you worry about his happiness more than your own that he will start giving back without walking on eggshells. This religion thing is also a big concern. Seeing as this is 2009 almost 2010 I don’t see were religion should be a big issue. Why would you shove that at him too. To each his own just because you believe one way doesn’t mean he needs to.
I am not trying to rip you apart. I promise. I see a lot of myself in your issue and I am simply relaying what I have learned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Well those types of thinking wont help you any! You cant break up with him everytime something doesnt go your way. He says he walks on eggshells around you? I can well understand why he feels that way if pointing out you two disagree will cause you to give him the boot. A single mom you say you are? Thinking about marriage? Well you know yourself that when things get rough with kids or within a marriage, you cant just up and leave whenever you feel like it. Either you end this relationship finale, or you stop breaking up with him over every little fight you get into. Like you said: the arguing hurt more than what you fight about. So maybe its time to choose your battles. Not all things are worth fighting over. And breaking up is NEVER going to solve any issues between you two! You use breaking up with him as a way to get him to apologize and beg for you! You are just playing games with his heart. Please, respect him enough to not do that. Either you end things once and for all (and NOT because you've just been fighting) or you take him seriously.
He's thinking about marriage? Have you? If you are, then act up to it. Try to see what things would be like if you got married, where leaving is not going to be an option. Try to see if you can't find other ways to solve the problems than forcing him up in a corner by threatening to leave. Breaking up when things get hard you said? Well I can tell you you will act the same with the next guy, and the guy after that. Because no relationship is 100% happy happy all the time. You take the good with the bad and get on in life and grow from it. My advice is that you learn how to deal with issues, instead of running away from them.
Listen to your partner, I know what it feels like to walk on eggshells, and its not something he says just to hurt you, its something he says to try and tell you how you make him feel. Its a lousy feeling to have, and a lousy position to be in in a relationship. I think he has started to get trust issues with you now, because how can he ever open up to you and be honest if that will result in you leaving? It sounds to me like he's doing all he can in this relationship whereas you complain if he's good enough. Well take a look at yourself: what have you done for him? Are you good enough for him?
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