A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:Here's the situation. My ex broke up with me after 6 years. I was gutted. She then started a long-distance relationship with a guy 2500 miles away. Anyway, it ended between them, badly I suppose. Make a long story short, we have been hanging out lately, with the intentions of only being friends. We took a trip out of town together for her birthday. It started off great as we were having fun as friends do. She booked a room with one king size bed and I didn't argue as she was paying for it. We held hands and kissed the whole time. That night after having dinner we had sex. She cried, saying that she had demons and if she told me then I would be mad at her. I told her that if she had sex with someone else it was okay because we weren't together. She said she didn't. She then proceeded to tell me that no matter who she is with that she will let them know that I am a big part of her life. I love her dearly and would love to be back with her but she has made it clear that she doesn't want that. I know I can't handle that. My question(s)is this: If she hasn't slept with anyone what does "having demons" mean. How do I end this friendship with her hating me because I think I'm being used as a back-up guy and I'm worth more than that. Thanks for your time...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2007): Maybe it's more to do with her self worth which can be seriously damaged by a horrid childhood, possibly sexual abuse. Sexual abuse leaves one believing they are unclean, unworthy, unloveable and they battle with self hatred, self punishment.
Some things are so scary to talk about and share with another for fear they will think you are ugly and unloveable and will leave you.
She may be afraid you will use her pain against her and fault her for every mistake.
She will have to decide for herself what to do but being there for her makes a difference. Just don't do the sex as it's hurting you. Tell her you love her and want to be there for her and because you love her and think highly of her, you will listen and hold her and it's not rejection. Tell her it's how you will decide to love her and you want her to feel safe. Ask her to help you help her be safe.
Counselling would be an idea to suggest and that you will support her and you don't see her as being weak-that she is amazing and deserves happiness and peace.
Best Wishes.
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