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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Malyce (agony aunt)and yes it is a nice nameI have read some of your objections to men "jerking off to porn". It can be desentisizing, as you say. Tell me if the flip-side is true. Since my partner got herself a wand vibrator and another largish toy, my ability to stimulate her has all but disappeared. She doesn't like manual or oral now. I am away on business often and she anticipates my trips away eagerly. I cannot handle this and will leave soon. I feel I might put up with this if we had kids but don't. Porn beckons...
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): I have to say that using an object to get off is the same as using a "female object-porn star" to get off.
It still breaks down to that sex and the feelings that come with it should be held in reserve for our life partner.
Being that this man has communicated his hurt, confusion, and anger over being excluded from such intamacy which is rightfully his to evoke...and was ignored shows emotional abandoment as well as mental abuse.
How can you not listen to when you are causing pain and anguish to your husband/wife and they are asking you to stop be justified by masterbating or relying on something, someone else to get you off healthy and acceptable?
To this man it is not acceptable. His wife made promises and commitments to be all that she can be and do all that she can to make sure he has comfort, support, love, her trust and trust in him; to uphold fidelity 9which doesn't just mean physical, sexual contact with another person...it is also anything liken onto it), to listen and be his best friend, to be reliable to him emotionally, physcially, and mentally.
That her lack of caring and her lack of self restraint is now attacking her reliablity, integrity should is very concerning.
I hope you are alright and that counselling was sought; that you did all that you could to save your marriage before making a life altering decision.
Best Wishes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): sorry, i'm not good at cryptic
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male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (16 September 2006):
 My right hand is demeaning to women! LOL. Shame on you hand. I'm going to stop talking to you. Now, my left hand, on the other hand, is quite supportive of women. Go figure.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): Gals please stop fighting and answer my question. I have already agreed that porn is inappropriate and yes, it is part of the repertoire of some of the more violent fringes of society. What I need to know is: can a girl control her use of toys because I cannot continue to be the minor player in a menage a trois. In the end if the vibrator is that good it may destroy good relationships that are not prepared for it. Men have their pride and being usurped by "made in Korea" is not endearing for all of us. Perhaps I am defensive, but I am honest and you girls need to HELP ME PLEASE.
How would you feel if guys all had access to something which gave always them a 200% orgasm compared to YOUR best efforts?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2006): ariel I am the poster you are referring to and NO it is not a double standard.
'Just like porn a vibrator is a quick fix.As for anons comment below being against porn but for a vibrator,isnt it double standards?'
have you any idea of the ways in which the porn industry contributes to the degradation of females of our species?????? Porn involves real life HUMAN bodies that do not belong to your partner . How could a piece of vibrating plastic even been considered the same. How many vibrators have made the terrible and sad decsion to act in a porn movie because of past sexual abuse or drug problems. How many families have been destroyed by this. How many vibrators get harrassed and wolf whistled dailybecause of the building site workers with their porn on site??? How many rapists say 'oh yes I was looking at my vibrator constatntly before raping that girl????? (which IS the case for porn)
You are obviously young because you are ignorant to these facts but please find some information about the ways in which porn contributes to the degradion of half of humanity and I garantee you you will NOT find these same statistics regarding vibrators
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2006): Hi folksIts me that wrote this question. I am sad at the first response. My gal is no dildo dog. I do love her. Both of us are successful, athletic specimens and of normal anatomy and physiology. The last few years living together has been simply the best until this happened. Sure my tongue does not beat at 100bpm, nor do I touch her tonsils with my penis when we make love. But I follow the usual rules of ensuring her orgasm first and keep an open mind on most sexual exploration. But the give-and-take of sex has disappeared. Sure we still make love and I still orgasm, but its an empty feeling. I am too proud to spend my working day sweating to put a home together for this even if she is honest enough to admit that the stimulation she gets with the toys are more intense. The situation has gone too far for them to become a part of our lovemaking, that would be capitulation, and I will not ask her to give them up or even rationalize their use as this would need to come from inside to be genuine. Its over 6 months now and no sign of change. As for saying “porn beckons” in my note, I was just being vengeful, it does not really. Neither of us is into that (we tried watching together) or infidelity for that matter.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (15 September 2006):
 Hmmm The first Anon poster on here was very unhelpful... "Vibrators are demeaning to men" Oh my word, thats so way out there it hit pluto! lol
I'd agree yeah they can be addictive, but one of them is no contest to a willing caring sharing partner. Vibrators act as a quick fix and can get a woman to orgasm in seconds, just to give her her fix. But they can also be shared and used in a sexaul lisaon together. I have used various toys either alone or with my partner, and there really is no substitute for sex with my man. How can a piece of plastic be better than a warm soft penis ?? Sex isnt just about an orgasm its about pleasuring each other, the build up the intimacy, woman will just use a vibrator for one end like men use porn and that is to orgasm, there is no intimate connection whatsoever. Women need to feel wanted, sexy and close, a vibrator does not do that. So whilst they can be addicted to orgasming they will still crave the intimacy of thier partner. I think you need to ask her what it is thats going wrong and tell her that you feel this way, she could be doing this to get you to notice her, pay more attetion to her, perhaps shes trying to spice up the sex a bit and your not interested as you feel replaced by a toy, rather than feel defensive encourage her, pleasure her with them, make it a joint experience, there really is no substitute for sex with your guy. Maybe its a phase, if shes never had a toy of this nature before then its all new, i know when i got my rabbit i was like let me have all the time, now, im like thats pretty boring! lol But anyway. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you would like to be able to get her going again and can she suggest anything that shes likes, you may have to just use the toys in the interim, with woman they can orgasm and then have sex remember, so if you join in you both get off... its all about expression and turning each other on, doesnt have to always be a manual stimualtion, just be more open to the idea and join in. Play with her with the toys, it will turn you on too! Just think when you are away, shes playing with her toys and turn it to a sexy thought rather than im not good enough. The toys do not replace the man, and they do not desensitise women to sex with their partner, you have simply chosen to think shes replaced you rather than join in, if you show a bit more interest and involve the toys you will probably find this alot more enjoyable too!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (15 September 2006):
 I'll add that a good intermediate step might be for you to be the one using her vibrator on her. Get her to tell you how she likes it.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (15 September 2006):
Woah, I'd not take the advice below too literally.
Women thrive on emotional connection, and a plastic object with a battery may hit the spot physically but it can't hold her close and whisper 'I love you' in her ear. Focus on your communication and intimacy with her and hopefully she'll open up to you and her toys will become less of a diversion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): Oh plleeeeaaaasssseee, vibrators have nothing to do with bringing another PERSON into the relationship.....every woman in a porn mag is a living breathing being and you invite her into your sex life every time you 'use ' porn Not to mention the degrading way porn contributes to women in every day life being jusdged by how they look. a vibrator is the equivalent of lube, lingerie, any other HARMLESS addition to a sex life. GO and study gender issues for a couple of years and then come back and explain how porn is used as a weapon to degrade women....clearly you have NO IDEA
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): Yes of course. Dildos and vibrators are demeaning to men. Ask her what her problem is. These sex toys can be addictive to women. She has to want to stop. She's a dildo dog. Think about leaving her if she doesn't give them up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): Yes of course. Dildos and vibrators are demeaning to men. Ask her what her problem is. These sex toys can be addictive to women. She has to want to stop. She's a dildo dog. Think about leaving her if she doesn't give them up.
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