A
female
age
30-35,
*riSa
writes:Please, I'm desperately asking for help! I've been dating my boyfriend since around 10 months now. I am a very emotional person and so is he, so we've had a lot of ups and downs. We kept our relationship a secret for a long time, almost 5 months before everyone knew about it. It was his idea in be beginning but I didn't know that he only wanted to keep it a secret for a month or two so it continued that way. I think that somehow it made our relationship less serious to me and affected my idea of our relationship. Also, during that "secret" time, we never told each other "I love you". The thing is, it all went down when I went on a trip with my school last June. There were two guys on whom I had a crush on before I met my BF who also went on the trip. The day that I had to go to the airport, I told my boyfriend to not come see me after he insisted. I was already late, and in my head, it was clear that I would make a scene if he comes because I would cry a lot and everyone would see me sad (and maybe laugh at me, I am very scared of people judging me). I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle the sadness and would probably have an emotional break down. Also, we were still a secret couple at that moment. We argued a lot and at the end, after asking a guy friend for advice, I decided to take some time off of the relationship and cut my BF out of the picture for a short while. I told him a lot of hurtful things, and I regret them more than anything. I knew that I loved him a month after we started dating, but I never found the courage to tell him because I was extremely scared of being rejected. I've been rejected before and it definitely have an impact on me. At the airport, I regretted telling him to not come and even considered asking my mother to drive him there to see me, but I thought it was too late and too complicated, so I refrained from doing so. After I left on the plane, I cried and cried and all I thought about was him and how I regret being so mean and stupid toward him. I cried myself to sleep for three nights after that and on the third night, while bathing in tears, I texted him saying that I apologize deeply and desperately need to talk to him. I told him how bad I felt and that it was stupid. However, things didn't go quite well after that. We argued by text and on skype a few times after that, and he realized that I somehow lost respect for him on that 10-day trip.The trip is the biggest issue we've ever had, and it's always affecting us. Most of the time, he comes back with a few questions about the trip, knowing that I was on the pill over there, that there were those two ex-crushes, that I shared a room with two guys for three nights (but they are nothing but friends), etc. Now, a few months later, we are still having a lot of trouble working through the trip. He interrogates me a lot during arguments and pushes me to answer. I've lied to him before, during and after the trip, but he's discovered the truth little by little...which all leads to a huge trust issue that he has toward me. I completely understand that I've done really bad things to him, and sometimes I feel like I really do not deserve to be with him. We are each other's first love and it is heartbreaking to see him hurt by me like this. Since the trip, we've had another big fight over my past. At moments, I was sure that we were going to breakup and I couldn't do anything. He's been having a lot of trouble over everything, and I definitely see his pain. Just yesterday, he forced me to tell him that partly the reason why I didn't want him to come see me was because of one of my ex-crushes. It had a huge impact on him and for a moment, he just pushed me away as I was trying to explain that I never wanted to cheat on him, nor did I do anything with the guy. I thought about the reason why I didn't want the ex-crush to see us together, and all I had in mind was that he was my BF's friend, and that I was scared of being judged by the guy. I am very insecure and I can't stand to be judged by anybody, let alone a guy that I used to like. That's the only reason I can think of as to why I didn't want him to see my BF, but I don't know if the truth is good enough for my baby. He has the character of an detective and has sneaky ways to get whatever he wants. Whenever I give him an answer that doesn't seem logical enough, he rejects it and says that it is a lie.I am really scared to lose him, because to me, we've been having progress since those events happens, which lets me think that our relationship is deeper and stronger. However, he told me that what I confirmed yesterday makes him sick to his stomach and he needs time to think. He says that he doesn't want to do that, but it is necessary. He says that he feels miserable, but I really can't do anything else than wait. He also asked me to wait when he found out about my terrible past, and that made the relationship almost shatter. Now, I am scared. He said that he can't cope with everything and I know now that it is only in his power to overcome these things. I am asking for help as to how to support him and if our relationship is really strong enough for us to go on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Why did your bf want to keep your relationship secret at first? To me that's a huge red flag.
Secondly, you give your age as 18-21, which is young to have a "terrible past".
Is your bf jealous of your past boyfriends (i.e., what you did while you were dating them), or only because of what he imagines went on during your trip?
The other aunts are right, there isn't much you can do at this point, other than to stop lying. It's up to your bf to get through his emotions, and if he can't, the relationship will never work. I'm sorry to be so blunt; but can you imagine having him constantly grill you and accuse you of lying when you know you're telling the truth? That's not exactly a pleasant prospect.
A
female
reader, imiss  +, writes (23 December 2011):
There are a lot of issues involved here, but it seems like trust is the biggest one. You admit that you've lied to him and been caught, and that he acts like a detective trying to separate lies from truth; it sounds a bit like he interrogates you even when you are telling the truth. On top of that, he keeps bringing up this trip you took and he can't seem to move beyond whatever went on there.
If he can't let go of the past, you two may not have much of a future left together. While it's sweet that your concern is for him because you feel like you "did this" to him, you should take a step back and really evaluate the situation to see if it's genuinely what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): You don't support him, you just quietly wait for him to sort out his feelings towards you and all the hurt you caused him. And then you accept whatever his decision is.You really need to get a grip on your emotions and ways of thinking and behaving. You need to get a handle on your self esteem and your irrational fear of being judged because that's been leading you to do a lot of hurtful things to your bf.if you've suffered all your life from roller coaster emotions, it's not exactly a good thing because it can be debilitating if it prevents you from doing routine things, causes you to be sneaky and behave inappropriately to protect your fragile emotions, or makes mountains out of molehills for you and people around you. It makes life more difficult than it has to be not just for you but for whoever is involved with you too. You might want to see a counselor or therapist so you can get a grip on your negative emotions.
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