A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am currently living with my man of 4 years. We have signed for a lease of one year. Thing is, i feel guilty, i am always feeling unsure about our relationship, as to whether or not we are best as just friends. He is so lovely to me, and I know he would do anything for me, loves me to bits, which is why this entire situation is making me feel terrible. I look at other guys, as I do not feel entirely attracted to my man. I get upset when he eats fatty foods, which I don't want to be, he has every right to eat what he likes, but I cant help it. I encourage him to join me at the gym, which he does sometimes. I just wish I knew whether we were supposed to be together or not. I don't know whether I am in love with him, or whether I love him just as a friend. Why do I feel attraction to other men when I am supposedly in a loving relationship? As our sex life has dwindled recently due to this lack of attraction, I am hoping this attraction to other men doesn't become tempting enough to act upon one day.What do I do? If I leave, could I be leaving the love of my life? Or if he is the love of my life, should I have realised that by now? Thanks, I really appreciate your advice on love or 'in love'
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 December 2008):
 This is hard to deal with, isn't it, losing that physical desire for your partner. I get the sense that he's not taking care of himself as well as he could be. Eating fatty food and only going to the gym when you push him to.
Does he know that you've lost desire for him? Have you talked about the diminishing sex life?
These kinds of things can be a vicious circle; his advances get rejected, he feels badly about himself and turns to food for comfort, doesn't get healthier and then things repeat themselves.
Look, passion is hard to sustain over a long period. I think it's more common for the initial honeymoon period to be replaced slowly by a warm companionship with little jolts of electricity thrown in from time to time. You've moved entirely to companionship and maybe you feel more like a roommate than a lover? Maybe he IS just destined to be a friend to you, and your doubts are your gut telling you this. Or maybe you've both stopped trying and are just cruising along with no examination of what's been happening over time. And this examination is being avoided because it will lead to confrontation, facing some uncomfortable truths that may kill the relationship entirely.
My point is that you cannot go on like this. Someone has to change this slowly strangling dynamic you're stuck in, and as its you who's asked the question, it's you who has to begin to deal with it. This doesn't mean that you have to tell him that you no longer find him desireable in such a flat out way. You can talk about the fact that you're sad that the physical passion has dwindled and you'd like to explore why that is. You're concerned about his health and worry that his not taking care of himself is a sign of something else going on inside his head.
Tell him that you both need to go see your doctors for a full checkup. If he is overweight and out of shape, chances are that it will come out in the exam. High blood pressure, bad cholesterol, mild or serious obesity--these are the things that any decent doctor will work to change with his or her patient. If the patient is resisting doing what is sensible and good for him/herself, then perhaps there's something like depression or stress keeping him/her from doing this.
But you have to want to work on the relationship. If you deep down don't really want to, maybe you're looking for a way out that lets you off the hook for being the one initiating a break up.
You are obviously responsible financially for your share of the lease and so you do need to keep that in mind. If you initiate a split, then you may be left holding the financial bag, so take a good long look at that lease, so you know where you stand.
Right, so what's my advice? Prepare yourself for having a very difficult conversation, in fact, a series of conversations, with him. Be as gentle and loving and supportive as you possibly can be. LISTEN to him too when he tells you what's going on inside his head. When you talk, use words like "I feel..." "I'm worried...." NOT "You make me feel...." "You're not doing x y or z...." and completely eliminate words like "always" and "never" from any sentences you say. Have this talk, not in bed, but at home one night after dinner and when you're both calm and relaxed. No or very little alcohol, a glass of wine or one beer might help you relax, but any more and you're working impaired and that's not going to help anyone. It may be that he's feeling the same way about you and you both are growing apart. It's nobody's fault, there's no need to point the finger of blame at either one of you in that case, right?
So, while this may be giving you stress and making you worried and sad, you do need to screw your courage to the sticking point and just initiate the conversation. You can post again if you want more advice, and it might not be a bad idea to do that with more information about your relationship; it may even be better to write a whole new question before or after this talk you'll be having with him, so that you get more aunts responding. Be honest and forthright here. There is anonymity and while some here might be harsh, take it all with a grain of salt. We're just human after all, all flawed in one way or another, no one here has all the answers, we can only offer our advice based on our experiences and observations of life.
Good luck and do let me know how you get on.
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