A
female
age
36-40,
*atie23
writes:Hi guys,I've posted on here before about this same problem but I'm still having trouble dealing. I fell for my best friend completely after we slept together a couple of times and I just can't seem to get over it and I'm worried I'm going to end up ruining our friendship.We went out the other day clubbing with some friends and I ended up getting really upset because I really like him, even watching him talk to other girls makes me this crazy jealous person. And I've never been like that over a guy before, if there's been a guy I've liked who hasn't wanted me back I've just dealt with it and moved on. I hate those girls who get all crazy and jealous when they have no right to and now I'm becoming one of them! Basically I got really upset and went home, and although he didn't see this I ended up txting him to say that this was too hard to deal with and I thought it was best if we didn't hang out or talk any more. I realised how stupid this was when I'd sobered up in the morning, not only do I not want to cut my best friend out of my life but it would be pretty impossible to do anyway, for instance we have 2 mutual friends birthday parties coming up in the next month alone. I sent him a message apologising and telling him I missed what things were like before it all got so complicated but I'm worried I've really pissed him off and I'm worried if I keep acting like this I'm going to end up losing my best friend and making it awkward for us both to be around each other which we have to be as we habve a large group of mutual friends. Please give me some advice on what to do, I feel awful about this whole situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): From a guys standpoint, this sucks, and TimmD is very correct.
There is another issue though, which bears watching in yourself.
"Why is this guy different despite the fact that he clearly didn't want you for more than sex?" or more correctly, what is different about you about this guy now?
Really, what is different about you?
It's not him, something has changed in you. Learn what that is, and use it to help you deal with "life" more than your feelings for the guy.
My guess, just my guess, is that you were finally ready for a serious relationship.
If that is so, find someone else who is ready, who lives and breathes you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 I think telling him you need to hang out less was actually a good thing to do. You say of course you realized this was stupid, but I don't think it was stupid at all. Why put yourself through more heartache? Why force yourself to be okay and casual about seeing the man you love hit on other girls... No woman on earth wants to do that. If we can't have him ourselves, we certainly don't want to watch how he makes his moves on other girls.What you have now is NOT friendship. Maybe you are able to turn it back into a friendship, but at the moment you would only torture yourself with hanging with him. Yes you have common friends, and its fine I guess if you feel comfortable hanging with him from time to time. But keep it to a minimum.Once you don't feel this way about him any longer it will be good to be friends again. But for now, don't try so hard to pretend you don't care, because you do, and you have every right to have feelings. You shouldn't make excuses for yourself. You say you have no right to be jealous, but it is completely understandable that you are! After all, you are in love with him! Every woman on earth who is in love will be jealous if the man shows attention to another woman. "Rightfully" or not. Yes, he's not your boyfriend... but feelings are feelings, and this I think is only a healthy jealousy that shows you care. I think you are trying to be so brave about this, and be the better person, and act as if you can brush your feelings aside to be only "friends". But why do that. Why lie. You have feelings for him. He knows. He doesn't like you back. Why should you be cool with that? I'd cry my eyes out and stop talking to the man completely. But thats just me.
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A
female
reader, Katie23 +, writes (8 October 2010):
Katie23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses guys, TimmD, we've already had that conversation, I told him I had feelings for him and he told me he wasn't looking for anything at the moment, he broke up with his girlfriend about 6 months ago. But you're right, everytime I see him even talk to another girl it makes me crazy jealous and that's not going to go away. I think you're both right in that I need to give it a bit of space, I think I just need to be strong and try not to talk to him, and it will just be the kind of friendship where we just talk when we're both socialising with other friends or whatever. It's just so hard because we really were best friends, we knew everything about each other, could talk about anything and had so much fun together. I really wish we'd never crossed that line and that we could still be a close as we were before : (
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (8 October 2010):
 I'm sorry but I'm afraid you've crossed the line from 'best friend into 'relationship'. It always alters a situation when you have slept with someone and puts it on a different level. I can't see you getting it back to how it was but maybe it could be on a different footing. Give it a bit of space and see how it pans out for now. Then at least he won't feel obliged to avoid you anyway because of misunderstanding of what you are to each other.
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 The moment you two slept together your "friendship" ended. You can't go back to the way things were. You have feelings for him and you want to be with him. There's nothing wrong with that, however, if he does not feel the same about you then this is where the complication is. It seems to me that he's okay just keeping things casual while you want a serious relationship.
What's the solution? Well, there is an issue that you both cannot ignore. If you try to bury your feelings, every time you are out and see him with another girl you will feel jealous. Add alcohol to the mix and things will just keep getting worse. You two need to talk and you need to tell him exactly how you feel about him. If you two are truly "best friends" then having a conversation like that shouldn't be difficult.
Unfortunately, like I said before, things cannot go back to the way they were before. The line was crossed the second you guys got intimate. The way I see it, your relationship can go in 1 of 2 directions. Either you become a couple and starting dating each other, or you back off and just become friends. Not "best" friends. This would be mostly limited to seeing each other at friend's parties, etc.
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