A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i want to know what you think of this.16 months ago, i met and fell in love (i think) with a man i have met online. i knew from the beginning that he has had a not so pleasant experience with his 2nd ex wife. he was rejected and made to feel less of a man during the marriage. And during the divorce, she had taken him to the cleaners thus making him think that women are all the same. It took a long time for him to trust me and think of me as someone different from his wife and therefore someone he want to marry someday.last christmas he finally told me he love me.he said he never say these words that easily unless he meant it. He assures me he love me and that makes me happy but three weeks ago, he suddenly is uncontactable. when he finally messaged me on yahoo, he told me he had cancelled his phone service cos he had lost his cellphone. two weeks ago he told me that he had been having problems with his ex wife wanting more money from him. he is angry and depressed apparently and had asked me to be patient with him if he is not available sometimes as he has this tendency to stay away from people whenever he has things on his mind.I so very much wanted to be able to share his problems with him and provide a listening ear albeit only online or on the phone. But now it is getting worse. last week he told me that he now realizes he has issues and he is a nutcase, since he was advised, apparently, to see a therapist and that he is to take Seratonin for his anxiety and depression. He also apologised to me for not talking to me. He also told me that he now realizes that he is unable to make anyone happy as he has to make himself happy first. I told him that i didnt know he is unhappy. He said that in fact he is...for a while now. Depressed, unhappy and unable to sleep long for months now. but that i shld not worry because he is trying to do something about it... I understand that he does need to sort himself out. what i do not understand is why does he have to put me aside. He never answers my messages or my e-mails. I have to call his company phone to be able to talk to him. Most of the time i get an answering machine but he never calls me back.. and in times that i am able to catch him, he seem normal but evasive and non commital. I have been sending him messages and e-mails for a week now but i never get any reply or acknowledgment. I am tempted to call him at his company number but is afraid that i will not get him. I have asked him what he wanted me to do. I asked him if he want me to give him space by not calling, not sending messages and e-mails.. but he didnt answer. I really do not want to lose this man, not until we meet in person, and me being able to see the real him. Many times i thought of giving up on him, that if he realy feel something for me, he will not shut me down like this. But then, i also think, perhaps, he really want to sort himself out. perhaps he really, really just needs this space for him to attend to his responsibilities in the office etc. and the reason why he is putting me aside is because he didnt really want to burden me with his problems...If i give up on him now , without meeting him in person will i be sorry for letting a potentially good man slip out of my hands?? I think i know the answer myself but I am afraid that I may be wrong.. I need someone else's perspective..thank you.
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christmas, depressed, divorce, ex-wife, fell in love, his ex, met online, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto you my friend,
Thank you for replying yet again.and you are right i shld not appear desperate.As for moving on,i will have to be the one to drop him. Me,I, myself have to say"I dont want it anymore".then I will be fine.I have this character that i will take it as far as I can because I am afraid that if i drop anything too early I will end up regretting it because no matter how much I want it back, if i had dropped it, i will never take it back...my pride will get in the way..so the time i say "it's over", it is really over and no getting back.I dont know if you can understand this attitude but that is how I am and i make no apologies for it.I know i am a special lady,I would be the best caring girlfriend he'll ever have. I am never one to cheat,never one to ignore my guy, etc etc.. so really if he lose me, it is his lost..
anyway just to update you, i had spoken to him on the phone last Friday. And he was okay. Told me not to worry too much because he is just busy and is trying to get his personal problems straightened out.. Says he misses me when I asked him if he still love me, his answer was "of course".. I am not satisfied with that answer but i left it at that..anyway, i am happy to stablish that I have done nothing to make him act the way he is.and i am satisfied to leave our conversation in at least a happy note.then i can start to distance myself..sort of wean myself off him.I have not contacted him since Friday.I hope i can do this.. I know i can. Im a big girl.
By the way, my e-mail add is [email address blocked] .I want to continue communicating with you because I wanted to know the outcome of your situation with your girlfriend.
funny ha!! there you are a guy wanting the same thing I wanted to have with my guy..
your girlfriend does not appreciate that you wanted to be with her. I wish my guy feels like you. oh well, they dont know what they're missing..
hope to get an e-mail from you.
thanks again..
Carol
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2007): Hi, I understand what you're saying, but I still think the best policy is to try and move on, that way if you don't meet you won't have got your hopes up for nothing and if you do, you can take it from there. By trying to move on you won't appear so desperate; you'll be much cooler and laid back if/ when you do meet him. I know how, you feel though I was the same last year and I'm a scorpio too.I also know its a difficult time waiting, but if its meant to be it'll all work out. My girlfriend needs a break to make her failing business work. She says she loves me and its not a permanent break she wants, but its awful not seeing her and not knowing how long i'll have to wait before I see her. Its been 4 weeks already. But if you keep yourself busy that'll help. Thats what I'm trying to do anyway. No I'm not on YM I only have email.Hope this helps. What do you think to my situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply again. I do understand what you are saying..believe me, I have been telling the same thing to myself. But the heart is arrogant, it refuses to listen to the brain..
Uh, i wish there is a way that i can communicate with you one on one on yahoo so I can best relate to you the situation I am in. there is more to what I have written here. I could write it all but it would be waaayyy tooooo long. Maybe knowing me personally and knowing what I have gone through in the past will be able to give you more insight on why I am feeling this way with this man.
I think I am still very conservative when it comes to Love and romance, I have never been one to have flings, short term romance or multiple boyfriends at any one time.. Not in my 46 yrs haveIever had more than one boyfriend at a time. I have always believed in being loyal to the one I have decided to be with. When my marriage broke down three years ago, I have told myself that maybe I shld try and have fun.. meet and try any man that take my fancy,after all I am no longer 16.. but .. I was not able to do that.I guess it is too late to change my color.I can never string men along. I can never give any guy ,false hope.
I have decided I want certain things in my next relationship, and I cannot go down on that.It had taken me three years and hundreds of interests from men before I have finally decided to give myself a real chance with this particular guy..A few of my online friends had even come to Singapore to meet me, but none of them had managed to ignite a spark with me..and i had been honest with them,
When i had decided to stick with this guy, i have closed all profiles that I have. told everyone about him.
it is true that there is no set date for our meeting yet,, but it was only last Christmas that i can honestly consider that him and I have started to move forward with this online thing. so that is like almost three months...I have told myself that if after a year without a sign of him wanting to meet me, either here in singapore or in US,(i can go there since I do have a visa and have a sister and friends living in the US), I would give it up.
I do not really want to give up feeling I have been a defeatist.. I want to see him face to face..see his real character in person... as I dont want to have "what if" questions in my mind in the future..
I have decided that if after this present situation, i really do lose him, i will still meet him, if and when I am in the US.. I want to meet him in person.. even if it is just a meeting between friends..what do you think my friend?..I am sorry I can really be stubborn at times..that is the filipina in me... and a scorpio too...LOL!! BTW.. i hope there is a way to communicate with you other than here.YM perhaps? One can never have too many friends..I really am a funny person..just a little crazy with this guy.. other than that,,I am fun to be friends with...i need someone to tell me I am going gaga over this man..usually, most of the time I listen to my head but not at this time..my head need help to overcome this silly heart of mine...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2007): Hi, I posted the first reply. I still think you should move on, because as there's no set date for you two meet; waiting and holding on to meet only prolongs the upset/ turmoil you're going through at the moment. Given a few weekss/ months you'll be over him.
Lets say you met, I'm assuming you're going to set up life with him in USA, this is a big step and he's not giving much, is he?
It's only natural he's the only guy you want at the moment, but because you haven't met him in person you can idealise about him and a relationship with him...almost as if everything will be perfect.
I think the old adage of actions speak louder than words still hold true, and until he starts to act (if he ever does) I would try to make a fresh start. Like you said if you're attractive and have lots of attemtion just have some fun, it doesn't have to be serious.
I hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank the guy who had responded to my question. I have thought of that too.Many many times ... but let me clarify that I do have a life and that I have many friends that i go out with.Also I am not short of attention from men be it here where I live or online. ( apparently, I am quite attractive, so they say.) ButI somehow got hooked on him and had wanted no one else but him even tho he is in the US and I am here in Asia.I have no desire to entertain other guys. for me, he is what I have been looking for in a man..and me being me, despite what my brain is telling me,I wanted to really see his character, in person, so that I can dump him , if he turned out to be this uncaring man in person, without regret and without the 'what ifs".As I am aware that people can be different online and different in person..he had assured me from the past that he is very skeptical or cynical (whatever word is correct) about online dating and that since he had been alone for a while now, he got comfortable being on his own that he used to think he'd be alone forever, but he met me (online) and that made him think that perhaps he want to be with someone again. he told me before that at the moment he does what he wants when he wants because he is alone, but he also assures me that when we get together I would have the most attentive, loving partner i will ever have. He told me that when we get together,I will be loved and spoiled like I have never been before.He also assured me that he is not in anyway talking or trying to date other women as he is not this kind of person.He has assured me that since he expected me to be loyal to him then he also must be loyal to me.And that he wanted to focus on the business that he had just started because he wanted to make sure he can offer me a good life when we marry.That despite me telling him, I really do not need much, that he do not have to offer me the world because I would rather we build our world together.
It is those words that make me want to really give him the benefit of the doubt. Because at thousand miles away, I really cannot tell if he really is a bad guy or a genuine man who is trying to get his act together to be a better person for me without realizing he is hurting me again because he is thousand of miles away from me...We have not met in person. We do webcam each other when we chat online and when we talk on the phone. There was talk of meeting sometime this year...I very much want to have that chance .To meet him, person to person.. and then decide basing on that meeting... Mr. Anonymous am I being silly ?? Am I right in wanting that chance? or am i setting myself for a heartache??
Some men had let me know that if ever I dump this man, they are waiting for me.. but.. I cannot get myself interested in any of them.. it's like none of them can measure up to my guy.ahhhhhhh!!! I am so confused, i want to hurt myself...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007): I was in the same situation with a girl I met last summer, depsite us meeting in a nightclub. She was never able to meet up and then all of sudden she stopped all contact with me. I wasn't sure what I'd done wrong.
So to be perfectly honest I think at his age, if he was really into you and cared as much as he said he did, he would have the decenty to acknowledge you and not leave you in limbo wondering what you've done.
I know it's hard but I would stop calling him, it just gives him the upper hand knowing you're chasing him. Although I'd move on, if he wants you when he's 'cleared his head' then he knows where you are.
Get back out there and meet some body who really wants to spend time with you.
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