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male
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anonymous
writes: Hey Everyone, Firstly Happy Valentines Day.What causes people to feel insecure, and constantly seeking for approval, and reassurance?I'm 22, I've been involved with my partner for two years, long distance, and we love eachother fully.I myself haven't been in a relationship before, so I've never been through that pain of loosing someone, and I hope I don't EVER, but I keep finding myself needing reassurance, where, if I don't hear "I love you" I panic, and fear that, I'm loosin him. There was a point several months ago,that he felt lonely met up with some friends, met someone, thought he was interested, but he realised that he only wanted me, and that no one else would replace me, but that made me scared and shocked, and whenever I feel that I'm being neglected, I think that something happened. He knows about how I feel, and says that he'll never do that, because he loves me, and that i must trust him. However when he needed his space several months ago, he told in the beginning that he'd never leave me, and that he loved me, but then he met up with someone for drinks a few times, that hurt because he always told me that there was no one else for him but when I don't have reassurance I worry.How can I get over this feeling and make myself feel more independant and not so "attached" if you can call it that. I don't want to come across as needed.I know that he wouldn't do anything, because he loves me, but those feeling still exist where I fear it.Thanks for any advice.
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female
reader, MarthaZ +, writes (27 February 2006):
 I emphasise with you completely. I'm in a relationship of 2 years and he currently lives in France (I'm in the UK). Our relationship has been great, with our ups and downs here and ther but 99% of the time I couldn't ask for a better, supportive and loving bf. But in the past he once did break a promise he made with me that was very important to me. I won't bore you with the detail but I felt like he broke the promise and my heart, and threw it in my face. Since then I fear that it will happen again. At the time I considered leaving him but decided not to because I really loved him and wanted to give our relationship a go. We discussed this issue and he told me he was deeply sorry and wouldn't dream of doing this to me again. The issue does creep up in our conversation from time to time, but my bf reassures me 100% that he respects me and couldn't do that to me again. But ever since then I feel insecure, feel like I'm holding him back (he says I'm not) and in constant need of emotional reassurance. The way I'm dealing with it is that for now he's with me with all the happiness, and try be comfortable and relax with the fact that our relationship is working even when he's hundreds of miles away. I physically try and not to think about the past and the if's because that's when I get myself into a right mess. In the end your partner chose YOU over life without you. Just because he doesn't say I love you all the time doesn't mean that he loves you any less. Sometimes when words are overused the mean of it can diminish within itself. I don't know how helpful this could be but I do wish you all the best in the future!
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female
reader, Sarah C- happy to help +, writes (14 February 2006):
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to you also!!I believe that past experiences make people feel insecure i am, all because going through primary and high school i was called a minga my nearly every lad that i came across!It didn't exactly make me feel confident anout me appearance!This is probably why people seek reassurance to try and build some sort of confidence within themselves! I have a boyfriend of 2 years and i used to feel exactly like you i used to panic if he didnt say them three words that we long to hear so much but now i have come to terms with the fact that just because he doesnt say that much doesnt mean he doesnt feel it, its purely because lads like appear tough and they can find it hard to express their feelings. I think that if your boyfriend didnt love you he wouldn't be with you, he wouldnt have stayed with you, he obviously saw life without you and couldnt handle it and didnt like it. You are bound to be worried bacuse of what happened but he came back to you and he loves you!! So my advice is to have a little faith in him and i feel this would help with you independance.Hope i have helped a bit.
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