A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, this is how I truly feel but I wonder whether anyone else has felt this way? I'm nearing mid 30's and my partner and I have been trying for 2 years to get pregnant to no avail. It's been a horrible, stressful time. The longer it went on, the more we both felt like failures. I've always dreamed of becoming a mother and when I felt time was running out, I became all-consumed by the fear it may never happen for me. At the time, the overwhelming yearning felt impossible to bare. I'd always wanted a dog and so I thought NOW would be an ideal time to adopt one so I could settle him/her in and spend time on training before we have a family. We adopted a one year old dog from the pound. When I first brought him home, I immediately felt terrified. He's a HUGE dog and seeing him in my yard, I just felt so scared and daunted - knowing I was now responsible for the health and wellbeing of this enormous animal.He was so afraid of everything. After the first week or 2 of settling him in and getting to know him - this big dog that had never been trained; never been loved; obviously never been allowed inside a house, I realised I loved him so so much. My heart was just FULL of love for this dog, who was coming out of his shell and learning what PLAY was and most importantly, HAPPINESS.He's absolutely everything to me. We go everywhere together. He's my best friend in the world. When I'm not with him and we're away on holiday, even just for a couple of nights, I feel like our family's incomplete - like there's a hole in my heart, till I'm with him again.I cook for him everyday, constantly read everything I can about dogs to learn as much as I can about him and how to enrich his life as he grows and changes. I don't have many friends of my own but thanks to my dog, I've made quite a few new friends - owners of dogs my dog gets along so well with. We meet regularly so our dogs can pounce, chase, swim, get covered in mud and be real dogs. He wants to be everywhere I am. He'll sit on his bed, rest his head on his paws and look at me with those big brown eyes, DEEP into my eyes as if to say, "Thank you for everything you do for me. I'll never leave you." When he's sleeping at night, I curl up next to him, wrap my arms round him and kiss his head. My heart just feels so full of love for my dog. I'm very protective of him and I do my best to make sure that all his experiences with other animals and people are positive ones. I want his life to be full of fun and adventure and I never want him to be afraid ever again.My dog has completely filled the empty hole in my heart that was there when I was trying to get pregnant, that unbearable, overwhelming yearning to become a mother. I don't feel that way anymore. Since I've had my dog, nearly a year, I haven't tried to get pregnant. We've been so happy, just the 3 of us. I spend time with children often (some of the dog owners have young children). I can be around them now, have fun with them, enjoy their company.. but my maternal urges seem to have dwindled. I can't really explain it. When I think of having children now, I think practically, about the time, the money.. and I find myself wishing I didn't have to make the decision.. that I could just keep things as they currently are. I feel contented to say bye to the kids at the end of day and go home to my own little family.My dog makes me feel so loved and I love him so so much. He adores my partner and I and he's happy to go wherever we want to go, as long as he's by our side. My heart is so full of love that I feel like there's no room to love anyone as much as I love him. I feel like he was just meant to come into my life when he did. Seeing him become so shiny and healthy and confident, it just makes me feel so fulfilled.I can't imagine anyone's felt this way? Others seem to be able to raise multiple kids and multiple pets, yet I feel so content and I find myself not wanting my life to change. If I don't have children now, this is really my only chance, what if I regret it? What are your thoughts?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): Thanks for your advice everyone.
To answer your questions, no, my dog doesn't have any issues with jealousy & he's very gentle & careful around children.
My partner is happy to have one child but he is equally as happy, if not more, not to have children. Yes, my post excluded my partner's thoughts and feelings on the subject but we talked about it constantly for 2-3 years.
No, I haven't sought fertility advice. I really didn't want to go down the IVF route. A friend of mine has & I'm aware it's very very difficult & takes a toll on your body.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): Many people nowdays don't want to have kids. It's justified by money, labels we live in and other issues.
There is no wrong or wright here. You are a grown person, and are capable of making your own desicions.
I only have one child. People always ask me if I regret of not having 2. I really think this question is quite silly. I don't know what it is to have 2 children, how can I regret about it. It's for me the same as to regret about not being a millionaire. Or a queen of England.
I mean it probably would be nice to have all these money, but I don't know the feeling, so for me it's just a pointless question to answer.
I know many many people who never had kids. They don't seem for me unhappy or regretfull about anything. They realize the fact that it never happened for them, but to regret?
Some women and men really want children. They always wanted it and always were sure that this how their life would be: a family and children.
I knew few people who couldn't have kids and they adapted. And honestly before I knew these couples I always thought adaption is not the same as having kids, but really, there is absolutely no difference for adaptive parents. You adapted a dog and your love for him is endless, how can you not love a child that you are raising.,
With that said, I don't think you should base your desision of having or not having kids because you already have a dog. We as humans are capable of giving so much love to so many.
I had a dog too, he is not with us anymore. He was also a big dog who lived till he was 16. We were crashed when he was gone, especially my husband who was so depressed he wouldn't leave the house for weeks.,
I know what it is to feel like your dog is your best friend.
But to base your desision of having children on that is not that great of an idea in my opinion
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 July 2015):
 Only you can really know if you will regret it, but I have to ask have you not seen a doctor? A fertility expert?
And your partner, how does he feel about it all?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2015): You don't mention your partner at all really. You really do need to discuss it as a couple. You've also got to realise that big dogs are not always compatible with having children, how is your dog around children and babies, and does it show signs of jealousy?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (27 July 2015):
There is no easy answer to this. Any life choice we make now, we might live to regret. I think it’s impossible to speculate accurately about how we’ll feel in the future about the choices we make now, so we have to make the hard decision to go with what really feels right at the time. I worry that you lurched very quickly from desperation for a child, to feeling fairly indifferent about it because you’ve got this dog. The loving bond between human and dog is very powerful. It is a true, deep and meaningful friendship. When it comes to caring for something vulnerable who depends on you, needs and comes to love you, it’s similar to having a young child. The difference is that a child is for life: it grows up to be an adult and, if things go in the natural order, will be with you for the rest of your life. A dog will always need the same kind of things from you throughout its life. It will typically not live beyond 14 at the most, though my grandparents currently have a 16 year-old dog. When this hole is left, do you think adopting another dog at this point would be enough, or are you likely to be consumed with sadness about having a child again?
The other thing you don’t mention is how your partner feels. Have you talked about it? How does he feel? Have you considered how you might manage raising both a child and the dog? For one, I think you’d have to get the dog used to being left more, and not always able to be so close to another person so that it would be able to give a tiny child space.
What you both need to work out is whether you wanted a child so desperately to fill a void, or whether you actually thought about what you actually get if you’re a parent and wanted it. Having a dog is wonderful. It is true companionship. It is deeply special. It is different to having a child though. That doesn’t mean it can’t be as meaningful, but you have to weigh up what you would be sacrificing if you didn’t have a child, and you should do that together.
I wish you all the very best.
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