A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know where to start,I lost my mum at the beginning of the year and ever since then I feel my life spiralling out of control. Especially my relationship, I have the best boyfriend in the world and I'm not 100 per cent sure why he's still with me after the way I've acted.I lash out constantly with him even though he's trying to help me but I feel so insecure I feel like he's just going to get sick of me and leave me I don't want to loose him but I'm afraid if I lash out anymore he's just going to have enough.I struggle to focus on my relationship when I can't even figure myself out. I'm afraid I don't know who I am anymore and if I don't know that how can I be a good girlfriend?What do I do? I've sought professional help but it's not working for me what steps should I take to go forward to respect my boyfriend more and just be a better girlfriend?
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (25 July 2016):
 I'm so sorry about your mom. You're too young to lose a parent, I can imagine how hard that must be.
How to control mood:
One of the most important things is recognition of the mood you're feeling. If you resist the feeling you have, that usually prolongs the feeling. It is better to acknowledge it, feel it as it is happening, feel it in your body, and let the feeling release. Not only is internal recognition important, but if you're with your boyfriend, warn him, hey I am feeling unreasonably angry right now, and I'm sorry if things escalate, I'm just particularly sensitive right now. If the feeling you have IS anger, do your best to sit with it. Give yourself 10 full seconds before you respond. Do your best to ask yourself: how will this response achieve the results I seek? Again it doesn't hurt to start with the feeling: "I'm feeling really upset right now. Give me a minute to figure out why." or "when X just happened, it really upset me." Do you best to see if there's a pattern of the things that are triggering you to lash out. Is it reminders of mom? Is it that your boyfriend is trying TOO hard? Is it he's not trying hard enough? Is it instances that make you feel that no one understands, or that you're alone?If it all feels too random, keep a thought log or journal of those moments. Write down: event-thought-mood. See if you can figure out connections to prevent future outbursts.
During the times you're not able to control your moods, then learn to do damage control immediately after one of your moods gets out of control.
Relationships are give and take. Even though you're "taking" a lot right now, you are in crisis and your boyfriend seems to understand that things are going to be off-balance for a bit. You recognize that you could deplete him, so whenever you have the energy, you need to give gratitude. Why don't you bake a cake, cook a meal, do something that takes time and energy and put it towards him to show your appreciation? Tell him you know you have been difficult to be with, but you have been so thankful that he has been there for you, that your relationship means so much to you, that you don't want to lose him, sorry it's been so hard, etc.
I would also try to set some kind of...check in system between the two of you. Ask him to tell you when he feels overwhelmed by you, or like..things are too imbalanced, like he's doing more of the emotional heavy lifting. You need to be aware of how much of a toll you take on him. For example, maybe right now he doesn't even think you are as out of control as you feel, it may just feel that way to you because you're more accustomed to feeling less extremes. Or, maybe he'll be relieved and say yes I need an outlet to just have a safe space where we can talk about how we're doing without it meaning a breakup or something dramatic.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2016): I'm a mental health nurse by remit but I can also relate to you .My mother passed some time ago and I miss her every single day (silly eh) . We weren't just mother and daughter ..she was my friend ..my allie.. my world ..And I sense your mother was the same .. The first year she died I did everything on auto pilot .. to everyone else I seemed ok .. Other than the constant at the beginning crying .. I felt my mother had been stolen from me ..taken to soon as I believe you also do .. I also blamed myself ..For not things truly beyond my control .. as was your mother's passing .I also was anger .. and bitter but I shut those things away and I mental shutdown ..I distanced myself from my partner emotional ..I mean if my mother could die and leave me feeling like this ..What if he left me or died .. I recommend joining a grief group that offer you some therapy and also realising that life has pulled a shitty card and it is okay to say .. you miss her .. It is okay to be annoyed at the world ..It is all right to cry .. ..but you must also get a grip on you .. I had too .. and so can you .Your mother would have wanted you to miss her of course but she also wants you to life your life .I myself have what can be called a little shrine in that I have a pic of my mother and every birthday mothersday Christmas I buy a small thing .. I have a teddy it says I love you mom on it .I have a candle with a verse ..etc etc and every morning after my shower I chat with her haha mad I know but it helps me .. So .. therapy change who your with ..join a grief group .. get out some have fun .. join an art class or dance class to burn of excess frustration and anger .. zumba is brilliant and just let it go . Do you have friends you can vent to ..If not Veny on here .. We are here and don't worry you'd never be annoying ..Have a chat with your bf tell him you don't mean to be like this . He knows this anyway but it's nice to be open and that you are .. as you messaged here ..looking at ways to pull yourself back together again .You will always miss her ..I miss my mother and it's been fourteen years now . But time doesn't full erase it .. It just easier to box it and live ..Take care chin up and we are here x
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (25 July 2016):
So let me ask you this....
You are doing everything you can to drive you boyfriend away, and then you feel "insecure" that he will leave you?
Sounds about right?
Will he get tired of your behaviour...yes...everyone has a breaking point. Can you stop...yes...when you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Sad news on your mother's passing...But what does that mean for you? Shutdown and stop living your life?
Your mother's lost is not the end...You my dear are part of her. Whatever good qualities your mother had, you should be focus on those, and perfect them even more. Was she a good cook? Then you become a great cook. Was she good listener? Then you become a great listener.
You are spending your time thinking about what you have lost, rather that honouring the mother you have lost. Would you say she would be happy with your moods if she saw how you are now?
So do not let her memory be a source to spiral your life out of control, but instead, use it to better your life by take her good and her lessons, to become an amazing girlfriend and someday wife.
Our parents never really die as long as they have children...You are part her until you past on part of you to your children. She may not be there on the outside, but lives on inside you when her memory is used for good. :)
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 July 2016):
 You do need professional help, OP; I know it doesn't seem to be working, but focus on healing from your loss, not being a better girlfriend.
Therapy doesn't work immediately very often; it can take months or years. If you don't feel your therapist is right, find another one.
You probably won't be able to do this on your own because this is a deep-rooted issue.
If you're determined not to use professional help, that's likely to be part of the mood troubles you're having and will just make them stay longer.
Other than that, learn to channel your feelings, rather than lash out. Write them down, express them to your boyfriend kindly, think before you speak.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 July 2016):
 You have a traumatic loss. Your concern should not be a better girlfriend or better anything because that would just give you pressure when you should be allowed as much time as you need to heal and to process your feelings. You don't need the kind of pressure of losing a second loved one. Your anger is one way to deal with your grief. He is with you because he loves you and he understands that life is not all fun and games. He knows the reasons you are lashing out and he fully knows that it's about your loss. Maybe you can find a support group.
Your post brought tears and I am not naturally a moody person. It makes me want to become a more compassionate person like your boyfriend. You don't know who you are anymore? You are human and capable of deep love and attachment. Please don't worry about losing your boyfriend. As you've been to a professional I am sure you know that you go through different stages of grief. You are at the anger stage. You will come out of it.
Show your boyfriend lots of gratitude and thank him for his patience. I can not give advice on how to deal with grief. All I know is that pain is something we pass through and at the end we become stronger.
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