A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:*I know that what i did and how i acted was my fault so you don't need to tell me that.*I'm feeling quite low at the moment and have been trying to get my head around everything that's happened in the past couple of years. I got involved with a guy who couldn't have been more wrong for me. I wasn't very experienced but he'd (apparently) been with a lot of girls. I only found this out later.I had a sexual relationship with him which lasted for around 4 years, on and off. For the first 6 months or so we were both single but then he started seeing an ex girlfriend and that's where things got complicated. When i found out that he was seeing her and wanted to cut off all contact with him because it hurt to see him with somebody else.He on the other hand wanted to carry on talking and meeting up but he assured me that he only meant as a friend. He seemed happy with her judging by Facebook etc so i believed him and agreed to meet up again. The first time we met up nothing physical happened but he did make a few suggestive comments. I let it go because nothing actually happened and thought he was just joking around.He messaged me on Facebook and we met up again. This time we ended up sleeping together. As soon as it happened i regretted it and i think he could tell i did because he told me not to be upset or worry and that nobody will find out and to just pretend that nothing happened. I agreed to do that. He gave me a lift home and before i got out of the car i told him that i wasn't going to see him anymore. He said something like "don't be silly. We're not going to stop being friends". Which made me feel like i was overreacting and that maybe this is how friends act towards each other?I kept my distance after that and even though he'd message me on Facebook chat i wouldn't say much or ignore him. Quite a few months went by and i got a text from him asking to meet up. I stupidly did and we slept together. I don't even know why i went through with it because i didn't enjoy it and he actually hurt me (physically). I told him afterwards via text message but he didn't seem bothered. He was still with his girlfriend while all this was happening. That was the last time i saw him in person and told him i couldn't be his "friend" anymore. He still tried to change my mind but this time i didn't give in. He deleted me from Facebook straight away and i thought that would be the end of it. A few months went by, during which he got engaged, and he sends me a Facebook inbox message saying that he thought we'd "given it enough time now" and did i want to meet up. I ignored it and thought it was just a one off and he was just seeing if i'd respond. He eventually did get married (i know because a mutual friend went) and i didn't get anymore messages for at least 7 months or so, so by now i was starting to move on and assumed he'd forgotten about me.A few weeks ago i went on Facebook and he'd sent me a friend request. I just felt numb. I certainly wasn't pleased. Before i could delete it he sent me one of those stupid *poke* things, i assume to get my attention. I ignored it and deleted the friend request. I haven't had anymore messages etc since i deleted it.I know this post is pretty long, there's a lot i've left out. I guess my question(s)is, why, if he's now married, would he contact me? Clearly i mean nothing to him so why not just get on with his life and let me get on with mine? Is it just to see if i'm still hurt/upset or something?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): Hi. This is the OP here. Thank you for answering.
I think i posted this question because i felt slightly guilty or childish for ignoring him. One part of my hates him and is angry about what happened in the past but then i start to feel guilty for feeling that way.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 May 2014):
He just wants you for sex. The moment you give him the time of day, he will tell you what you need to hear to give him sex. Or maybe he is changed but who cares...certainly you should not be the one to care. I wish there was an easy way to put it, but I assume he thinks you are "easy". I think even if you tell the things you left out in your post, I think my answer would remain the same.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (24 May 2014):
 Why would this guy suddenly change his bad ways just because he has a ring on his finger? Once a user and a cheat, always a user and a cheat!
Ok so first he used you for sex. Nice. Then he used you for sex while he was with another women and used his manipulative skills to make you feel bad about ending the "friendship" (or should I say arrangement) so that you would keep on letting him use you for sex as and when it suited him. Clearly he has no respect for you or his girlfriend. Then, after a few months of silence, when he gets the urge he contacts you again for sex and hurts you while aggressively using you as a play thing. You complain about his painful intercourse and he quite frankly doesn't give a shit and doesn't give you the time of day again until he next needs a good shag. You tell him this time its over so without ceremony or hesitation he blocks you/deletes you from Facebook.
So he goes and marries this woman who presumably thinks he is a loving, hones, decent man who is trustworthy and loyal, ahem!
Now, some time later, he is bored with making love to his wife and fancies another go with one of his other play things...namely YOU! So he gets back in touch, pokes you on FB and hopes you will fall for his charms once again and let him use you for yet more sex. Simple as that.
"I guess my question(s)is, why, if he's now married, would he contact me? Clearly i mean nothing to him so why not just get on with his life and let me get on with mine"
Because he is a manipulative, cheating bastard who has a hold over you. Is it just to see if you are hurt or upset? Hardly!!! He wouldn't care if you were lying in a hospital bed with a week to live. He just wants to get more sex!!! he decided to chance his arm and see if you would respond and end up meeting him for more "friendship" so he could get you into bed, pound you and hurt you as before, then zip himself up and go back to his wife leaving you with nothing but silence until the next time his penis needs a different vagina to fill.
Block/delete this guy and never waste your time with him again. You are worth a lot more than that!
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): Some guys are just like this. They never stop playing the field (or at least trying to.)
These guys seem confident (and even full of themselves) but deep down there's a little boy who needs constant reassurance and ego-stroking.
At the moments when he feels low and an ego-stroke from his wife (or anyone else around) isn't forthcoming he will start looking for one elsewhere. He will do things like text his exes to see if one of them will respond positively. And if they do he can start believing that he's sexy and gorgeous again etc.
That's why he does it. So HE can feel better. I doubt he's giving much thought to how you're really feeling.
Be strong and continue to ignore him. Delete and BLOCK him from all social media sites, phones etc.
Then you won't even know when he tries to contact you or poke you so it won't bother you or cause you to wander what his intentions are. And then you can begin to move on
Let him bang his head against a brick wall if he wants to
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