A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Let me say this 2 yrs divorced and doing ok as for my career but life outside of work for me doesnt exist . I have no life ! In sept I went on a health kick and lost from size 26 to size 14 and look ok and proud of myself even but Still No Life Outside Of Work !I guess im still kind of Gun Shy Since My Ex Hurt Me So Bad Not Sure but dont even try and make friends with other women Much Less Date ! Im straight just cant seem to get out and mingle . I married my ex when i was 16 and that is pretty much the only life i knew and now every thing has changed so Much ! I Know this might just sound like im rambling on and on but i need Help Maybe some advice . I use to talk to my mother but she has recently passed and I think that has really messed with me also and my father has passed so now i feel all alone and so scared to meet or trust . Please I need Advice Im At My Ropes End !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): The other reader is right, if you have a job, even one you don't like much, then it really is key to everything because you will have financial stability and the opportunity to go out without having to worry too much about how to pay for things.
I am around your age and although I've never ever had weight issues I was seriously ill with M.E. for about five years. I have no family at all, none and no memories of having any nice family or nice mother etc.
The problem I now have is that I have just about recovered but don't have ANY spare money at all. I work very minimal hours in a field that I love but am not on a permanent contract and never know if I will get work. I also cannot take on too much stress - and I get very stressed if people treat me badly - so it really limits my life.
To look at me from the outside you'd think: there's a really attractive, confident, interesting and 'leading' woman. The inside is a different story. Whilst I was ill I had no friends to help me and I was TERRIFIED. There were days on end of being bedridden and the ONLY person who came to see me was my (abusive) ex partner who at least cared if I lived or died - but obviously it was a 'double-edged' sword because seeing him pulled me back into the past.
If I had a secure job nothing would stop me now. I'd be going out as much as I could, despite not being very socially confident. I've spent years and years going without in order to raise a child alone and I can tell you this I am sick of having no money to do anything.
I'm telling you this because I know something that helped me, when I started to get better, was beginning by valuing what I did have - a whole body, my sanity, a home that I like, a safe area to live in, no one hurting me ,intelligence and so on. Once you start to really value what you have then you will feel more able to grow.
In your case I would do the following:
a. Get a really good counsellor to discuss my parents' deaths with and my relationship with them, to see if there are left over issues preventing me from socialising.
b. Take a long hard look at my job and see if there is some other workplace I could easily move to where there will be more of a social element - even customer contact or an employees after work group etc.
c. Do voluntary work where I'd be likely to meet people on a regular basis.
d. Go to something like a meditation class - I say this BECAUSE I found a free one recently and, being socially shy but seeming to look confident to others, I knew I'd find it hard to talk to people - in a meditation class you don't have to speak but often there is the opportunity to chat at the end. If you have a Sahaja yoga group nearby, then go there.
e. I'd get a dog (if you like them, I mean) and go to dog training classes where others will be training their dogs. When you take a dog walking, especially a very cute and clever dog, people smile at the dog and then at you and often stop and chat. Other dog walkers will chat with you. It breaks down barriers.
f. Go to an evening class to learn a new skill and meet others - if you're interested in dating, then go to a class where men will be - car mechanics being an extreme example! Or go to learn indian head massage where you have to practice on one another. Or, if you just want to meet female friends, go to something like a cookery class.
g. If money is not a problem, go on an organised group holiday - not necessarily for singles, but just for anyone - do a bit of research online and you will see there are plenty of companies offering this - Travelbag are one of them - when I did have money I went on a few of their holidays and there were often couples, single women, single men, families with kids - but the point is that it's a supportive and caring little community for one or two weeks - its unlikely that you will get someone unpleasant as most people understand it's just for a break and for the safety of being with others.
h. If you are still a little bit bothered about your image - I wasn't sure - why not go to a really good store where there are either personal shoppers or where you can at least ask for advice re. hair and make up - get a bit of an 'update' - I know for sure that there are loads and loads of ways to look much younger than your age and it can be a real confidence booster.
i. try to get used to just chatting, even minimally with people. In shops, at the petrol station, garden centre, everywhere you go. If you are so used to going to the same shops then go to different places and start afresh with your friendly persona. Watch other people very closely to see how they are or are not coming across as open and friendly and decide how you want to come across socially.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): Hi
You have a job and are in control of your own future.
Might not feel like it, but that's an awful good place to really start living from.
Congratulations on losing so much weight, that's fantastic!
Start today, try a new hobby, join a new club, volunteer, have a new aim, save up to visit somewhere you have always wanted to visit or find an interest you could get passionate about.
Don't feel anxious about the future, we can't control things as much as we think, and if you open your life to let others in, that's all any of us can really do to feel less isolated and alone, wish you so much luck.
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