A
female
age
30-35,
*icoleist
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a few days ago. And I don't really know what to think.This is a short summery of what has happened:A few weeks before my birthday (my birthday is oct. 10th), (let's call him) Dave (bf) had been texting this girl named Amanda (a friend he just made, he was just starting to get to know her.. probably the person who started his cheating thoughts) a lot. Like, constantly it seemed. Two days after my birthday, out of no where it felt to me, he told me he didn't think we should be together. I went bat s**t crazy and ran out of the apartment. He tried to talk to me but I just couldn't deal with it. I went to my work and I called my mother on coworker's cell phone and told her what was going on and she said I could come home.. I came back home finally, he tried to talk to me but I hid in my bedroom. And then after that it gets kinda fuzzy. I know that that night I went into the living room where he was sleeping on the couch and started bawling my eyes out. He comforted me and we talked some. A few days passed.. We talked again; about what went wrong and why. He told me that he had been thinking about cheating on me and that that bothered him and he freaked out and broke up with me without thinking about it. I told him we had to at least try and make our relationship work, he so hastily ended it.. We talked one night about what bothered us about the other. (He told me that it would seriously bother him if he settled down with me, he would have only slept with one girl his whole life.) And he told me he would think about it. A few days later, we got back together.On thanksgiving, I discussed with him our breakup because I was curious.. And we talked a lot.. Somehow it eventually led up to him talking about open relationships and how maybe we should have one. We talked quite a bit about that. Mostly me asking questions, trying to make sense of the situation, and him answering them to the best of his abilities. I eventually came to the conclusion that he didn't want an open relationship, he wanted to date other people. He and he agreed to this after being slightly in shock by the realization.. So I told him it was either date other people or be in a committed relationship.This last Saturday night I wanted to talk to him about it. It had been seriously bothering me the last few weeks, I had been feeling really down.. It felt like he was completely ignoring me and being a complete jack a** to me, but treating others as normal. He blamed it on finals but how does that explain that he was only a jerk to me? We talked.. And he eventually told me that he didn't want a serious/committed relationship. I blew up and told him "Fine! Just kill it then!" And that is how we broke up..It's been an emotional roller coaster the last few days. I gave my heart to him and he squished it so well under his foot. We've talked a lot.. He actually got angry at me because I had been being a b***h to him and ignoring him when he was trying to talk to me. I blew up and told him it hurt to look at him, to hear him, to be in the room with him and want to be with him but how I couldn't. I was quite hysterical and he quickly stopped being angry.. Haha? He tells me he doesn't want a serious relationship right now and doesn't really want to date at the moment either.. But that later, he'd like to date other people.. And maybe find someone who is better for him than me.. Like someone more compatible than I am. He says that maybe later, we could try again when he gets his s**t together and has dated other people.. Did I also mention that he barely tried to make us work? He said our main problem was communication. When I was upset by something or whatever the hell, I told him. But he tells me he doesn't like to talk to me about those things, he says it's really hard for him and it stresses him out. That I, in general, stress him out. I know I am a basket case but I didn't know I was that bad....I've been so pathetic. I have cried on him, begged, yelled and so forth.. It's so hard because he is one of my closest friends. I relied on if I was upset.. And now he's the one who's broken my heart and I am still having to rely on him. He says I am one of his best friends, but I don't know if I can be just his friend. It would hurt me so badly, to see him one day with someone else.. and I relied on him so much when I was upset and depressed. He was my rock, my lover, the missing piece that made me complete. I don't know how I can just be his friend and supportive when the day comes he chooses another girl when I want him and am in love him, after everything, and I would still take him back if he asked this very moment.Everyone keeps telling me because this was my first serious relationship, it is always the hardest and I will get over it and move on.. But I don't believe it. Part of me wishes I could forget it all and the other part of me cannot imagine forgetting. I imagine time will help but there is only so much time can do for a broken heart. I am still so very in love him him.Today I moved out of the apartment and back to my mothers two hours away. I feel like there is an eternal empty void in my heart, weighing down on my very existence. Every breath is difficult and more painful than the last and reminds me of him.~~~I've also seen messages he's received about our first break up.. How he had started having strong feelings for other girls and it made him start thinking about cheating on me so he freaked out and broke up with me. And then at one point, not thinking he's ever been in love.I'm not sure what I am asking.. I feel like he thinks my feelings are just going to go away. I feel like I have lost one of my closest friends, who I had been planning for the last year my life around. I feel like I will die of heart ache when the time comes he will find someone else to date (for either fun or serious dating, he has told me. ) It's distressing. He considers me one of his closest friends but I can't help getting the feeling that he wants me to forget about my feelings, to hurry and get over them so he can get on with his love life and find someone better and we'll just be friends.I also can't help feeling that, since he's such a flirt and he crushes on people so easily, was I really that special in the first place?I wrote an email to him two days ago, we were still staying in the same apartment at the time. I told him, in short, I couldn't be the best friend he wanted. When the time comes that he finds another girl, I will despise her and him for it. It would make him hate me and I can't deal with that. So I told him I was cutting him out of my life either for good or until I could heal. I also told him I don't think he had ever been in love and probably never will because he will never be satisfied with his partner. He's always crushing on other girls.. And that I hoped he grew up for at least the sake of other women.After he read the email, he came into the bedroom and wanted to talk. He cried.. and it means a lot because he's not the type to cry. He doesn't show his emotions often, he's very laid back. He said he is in love with me but that he's not ready for it. And that he doesn't want to loose me and that I am his best friend and to please, if we could just send a text message or talk a few minutes every once and a while.. Just so he could see how I was doing. I said yes.I am moved out now.. And I have never experienced a pain so great at this. If he was really in love with me, wouldn't this be different? He said if we were meant to be together, it will happen.. But that we both need to go and live our lives right now. He keeps telling me I will get over him and we will be friends and we will move on and so forth.. But I am in love with him and I don't think time will heal this pain. He doesn't understand that.. and he would if he was really in love, wouldn't he?I want him back. He said maybe we can try again in the future, if he hasn't found someone else. But if he was in love with me, how can he talk like that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): im going through a very similar situation. my boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me for good on thanksgiving (sure gave me a reason to be joyous and thankful on thanksgiving huh?)we had broken up before that a few months back, but he did what your ex did. at first he treated me like crap, his attempt to get me to let go and move on, then as soon as i was starting to feel better he wanted to stay best friends. we tried, at least i tried for his sake, and it completely broke me. he would act like my boyfriend, i would think he wants to start over, we would kiss/snuggle/make love and then he would freak out again and leave. this went on for four months. as soon as i would start to cut him out of my life, he would cry (something he never does) and tell me he realizes he's still in love with me. just like you, i couldnt eat or sleep or even breathe without feeling like i was dying. he on the other hand ignored his feelings, kept busy and didnt deal with it except for these outbursts when he would turn to me for comfort. the last time we spoke he told me he wants to find a girl out there that will make him happier than i ever could, something im sure he will search for but never find with anyone else but me. we were each others first loves and first kiss and first time, best friends. the only times we fought were when he wouldnt communicate at all and the only reason we broke up was because he was unsure of his feelings. everyone that knew us said there was no way we wouldnt end up married someday. but he threw it all away, because he couldnt figure out how he truly felt. if your guy is like mine at all, i wouldnt rush into thinking he never loved you. he obviously did to have stayed with you for so long and respecting you enough not to cheat on you with someone else. but hun, guys at this age dont know what they want. you are all he has ever known, and hes probably wondering what else is out there. hes confused about his own feelings just like my ex is. all you can do is to cut him out of your life COMPLETELY. and i mean no contact whatesoever. this is the only way he will realize what he lost. i did the same thing you did, i begged for him back, i cried so much my eyes were swollen for days, and i showed him how weak i felt without him. sadly, that was the best way to push him even farther away. guys always want what they think they cant have. if he knows you are going to be sitting there waiting for him to get back from god knows how many sexual conquests hes planning, you will always be the back up girl. but if you cut him out, show him that you are strong, that you want him but you dont NEED him, he will want you more if he truly is in love with you still. but please please please, save yourself from the most excruciating heartache, and dont make the same mistake i made. dont let him come in and out of your life, i know its hard and it will hurt like hell, but it will hurt alot less if you let him go and make an effort to move on rather than chase after him. if he ever comes back, you can decide then whether or not you would want him, but until then dont hold on to that. take this time out to rediscover your own identity, something alot of us lose after such a long relationship. focus on yourself, and if you are truly meant to be, he will come back to you. thats what i keep telling myself too. ive thrown myself in work and school, i still cry everynight but i hold on to knowing that someday, he will kick himself for leaving. and if hes lucky ill still have feelings for him when he does come back. but im focusing on letting him go completely for now so that i can put myself back together. thats what you have to do sweetie, you cant rely on him or anyone else, you have to put yourself back together. it will be hard and it will hurt and there will be days you are so hurt youre angry and bitter, but you will thank him later because what he is putting you through right now will only make you an even stronger person. i wish you all the luck in the world, i hope some of this has helped you see that you are not alone, and im here for you if you need someone to talk to. take care of yourself.
3
A
female
reader, Lib1 +, writes (21 December 2008):
 I'm in the same boat well... kind of was. My ex and i were together for 2 years and he moved to Boston after a getting a job there. At first it was our plan for me to find a job then move in with him. Yeah well I'm sure you know how that ended. He wanted to keep in contact to be friends. I never thought we could. Months later he used a personal tragedy to start communication again. BIG MISTAKE. He let loose all of his pent up feelings he didn't deal with. He was trying to hold me hand and cuddle and texted pictures of him and I when we were still together to my phone.I took it as him wanting to reconcile. Well I was very wrong. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is in love with you but not in the way that will keep your realationship alive or motivate him enough to make it work. Its the type of love you have for a friend you had in middle school but you got older and grew apart.Just don't do what I did. Keep your distance because your ex wants to keep the emotional going not the commitment. He wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn't know if he'll emotionally connect with anyone else the same but he sure knows he can screw someone else. So in the meantime he keeps you around emotionally and gets his physically somewhere else. And trust me it will seem like genuine attempts to win you back but its really just a bandaid for them emotionally instead of dealing with the pain of the break up like you and I are dealing with.I had to cut off my ex because he was just being plain mean by acting like my boyfriend then saying he didn't want a relationship. Just don't do that to yourself. It hurts even more after something like that happens. Please be smarter than I was so you won't have to hurt as much.
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