A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi i have just won a criminal court case, against my ex for stealing fraud and driving offences whilst banned. he was an alcoholic, he pleaed guilty to all 5 charges against me.at first he tried to blame my by pleading not guilty, but come court day he changed his plea.he has now taken all responsibility and is receiving help for his additions, he is very ill, and mentally.what im wondering is, as he is not allowed contact with me, is how is he feeling, its likely he will be sentanced to prison. do i go and visit him? im feeling bad for doing this to him. im obviously still in love, which i dodnt realise till now.i had to press charges as he was ruining my family set up, by taking my family money for booze. and was possible could of killed himself DUI or someone else.thanks for ur replies x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Firstly - YOU have not done anything to him. He has broken the law and as an adult is responsible for his own actions.Secondly - many men who abuse their partners plead not-guilty, until they are faced with the fact that their partner has not made a withdrawal statement and will be appearing in court to give evidence. His change of plea was not to save you having to give evidence, or to take responsibility for his actions, it was because his sentence will be less than if he continued to plead not-guilty and there was a trial. This is an oft used tactic.Third - even if you had made a withdrawal statement the court could have still subpoenaed you to give evidence regardless. It is not you who took him to court. It was the CPS. Therefore, you've done nothing to him.As for addictions. Well, it simplifies things somewhat I know, but, if you had an addiction which caused harm to those you are meant to love would you not seek help for that, or leave them rather than hurt them? It is not a reason, he is using that as an excuse. People can be drug and alcohol addicts and still would not steal from or abuse in other ways those they love.I would suggest you seek some support, as suggested in another response. You may not see his behaviour as abuse, but what else is stealing from a partner and then dragging her through the court system rather than plea guilty at the first opportunity? You should feel the need to be making excuses for protecting yourself and your family from this man.How is he feeling? Well, quite frankly why care? Whatever he is feeling it will be motivated by his selfishness.Sorry if this seems harsh, but I believe in saying it as I see it!Good luck x
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (29 August 2009):
 I think you did the right thing - he needed a clear message about his behaviour. As you probably know, prison is full of addicted, mentally ill people and the prison service does offer some (arguably not enough) services for prisoners with a view to rehabilitation. They also have a right to basic NHS care while locked up so he should be encouraged to seek help for his problems. Having said that, prison is definitely not a therapeutic environment and it may well be the case that any long-term treatment and recovery happens when he is released. I cannot tell you whether to see him in prison or not, he will have to request a visitors pass in the first instance and if there is an injunction against contact with you then he won't get one approved for you. I think if you have things to say to him then write a letter - it is good for you to write things down. He will have access to mail. I think you shouldn't see him in prison until you are in the right emotional state to do so as he may sweet talk you around with desperate promises about changing. I think you could put in a letter that you hope the prison sentence gives him time to reflect on his behaviour and treatment needs. I also think you should call Victim Support as they have some wonderful services for people who have been victimised. You could also phone the Prisoners Families helpline (google it) to chat to someone about how you are feeling. Good luck you brave woman!
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (29 August 2009):
 From my understanding, prisons are the worst place for addicts to go. Things are easier to get on the inside. So I would think very carefully. If he was going into rehab I would say he's a better bet! Its a tough one. But until he stops stealing and taking drugs/booze, he's no use to man nor beast is he! Not in the grand cheme of things, what with there being lots of decent respecting men out there, that are also single. Always baffles me when women put up with being treated like rubbish. I would sooner be (and am) on my own, rather than with some low life that kept dragging me down.
I'm probably TOO used to being single though, so its easy to say! But even so....
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