A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid!"Nevermind everything else, if a man wanted to propose to a woman, he would". How true do you think this statement is?My boyfriend/partner and I have lived together for a few years, but have been relatively poor due to loans we took out in college. Sure, he could have probably put together enough for a ring, but he told me he wanted to wait until we could afford everything.(We have chatted about getting engaged/married). Lately, he said he wanted to wait on a pay incease in work so we'd be more financially secure. The thing is, now he has the pay increase.. and he wants to get a car/ new mobile/ possible holiday/ other stuff. Maybe a ring is of lesser importance than a car - they make life easier - but it seems hes more interested in weekends away and new stuff than in making me happy with a promise of a future. Its like he 'knows' I can wait.. so is making me wait. I mean, I guess all it would be, is an expensive gift for me (to look at it bluntly) but shouldn't he be dying to ask me since I apparently mean so much to him as he says? (He talks a lot about loving me, but it feels like all talk and no action!)Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone!Thanks so much for your replies, I really appreciate them all.He came home tonight and told me about the fact that he wants to help out a friend by investing several hundred in a business with him!! Plus, its like he, relatively recently, has completed stopped talking about marriage etc and even is acting completely disinterested in our friends kids.. which seems unusual. Hes very loving, but he never talks about our future anymore and seems to shut down conversations about it discretely. Perhaps he feels like he doesn't want change, or that he is too young for all this 'serious stuff' for another few years, but where does that leave me if he won't come out and say it/admit it? Aunty BimBim's, your reply is smart but I do not know if I am brave enough yet to ask him for a timeframe outright.Soon567, I do agree that moving in was a bad idea I think. Looking back, it did seem to make him less eager to be with me, so to speak. And yes, Anonymous(1), I do think that I may have to move out or show him I won't be acting like the dutiful wife anymore if he is unwilling to treat me like one properly.To Anonymous(2), who has a fiance, thank you too. I think the reason he has not lived up to his promise to date is because he probably feels (knowing him) that he should enjoy his increased pay for awhile first.Thanks everyone!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): My fiancé, then boyfriend, couldn't afford a nice engagement ring either. He, too, had a significant amount of student loan debt and a car payment in addition to normal day-to-day expenses. I know from personal experience that it's not fun to wait on that new chapter in your life because of finances, but I stuck it out for another year (so he can save up more money) and am happily engaged now. Granted, I also refused to live with him, until he put a ring on it.Your boyfriend may have had a good reason to dodge the engagement because of his previous financial situation, but that situation no longer applies. He got that pay increase, which was his stipulation; his reason why he cannot get engaged. He has the pay increase, but he is not following up on his original promise. Why? Ask him why he is not living up to his promises. If he is willing to spend money on "new things", weekend trips, and new cars ( all things which are nice, but not necessary), but not on a ring, I would be very concerned. Talk to him and tell him how the delays and his inconsistencies make you feel. Ask him when he intends to propose and where the engagement lies on his priority list. If he is not willing to back up his words with actions, you need to run for the hills.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2011): The problem is he doesn't need to marry you because he has everything he wants. Why shell out more money and become obligated to you legally when at the end of the day, he doesn't need to? The way the set up is now, he has nothing to lose and he knows you aren't going anywhere.
The only solution is to move out and stop giving him so much...sex every night and all your time. You'll find out quickly where he stands. You have nothing to lose by doing that...either you'll move on from a time waster or get your proposal.
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reader, soon567  +, writes (12 August 2011):
well i dont understand the new car at all. He seems superficial to me and will low his money on himself and luxury items that surely isn't in a secure future for anyone.
In a way youre already married. You do all your wife duties and he does all of his husband duties,
yet he want walk down the isle with you.
To force a marriage with ridcule dates isnt going to work. He'll be in an arrangment that he doesn't want to be in. You moved in with him so that just prolong or risk ever being a married couple. I would look at the big picture on you and his relationship, maybe when you do; you will not see yourself in it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 August 2011):
 A new car I can understand, but if he was serious about being engaged he would find a way to do that, as well as have weekends away and 'stuff'.
If you are already living together he may not see the need for marriage, you may need to sit him down and find out what his plans really are. Tell him how you see your future, ie marriage and kids etc and ask him if he wants the same. If he says yes, ask him for a time frame, write it on a piece of paper and stick it on the fridge, make sure its a tangible date, example engaged by 12 August 2012, married by January 2013. If he says no you will know you need to decide if you are happy going along as you are now for the rest of your life or if you want to find somebody with the same goals and aims as yourself.
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