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anonymous
writes: Please please help me. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months now, but for the last 2 or 3 we have been having huge arguments that we don't seem able to control. They are often about small topics such as football or a tiny aspect of life. He doesn't seem to be able to control his anger and let it go, even after I have, although often I do not help this by being so impatient. This is ruining our relationship and we have been close to the end many times now. We love each other more than anything and really cannot imagine living apart but we just don't know what to do anymore, we need ideas on how to control ourselves and somehow prevent quite so many arguments. I really hope you can help us as I just don't know where to turn. Thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 January 2005):
 Hi there,You may be having what I think of as "invisible arguments". On the surface, these arguments are about football, or what time the train comes, but if you dig down deeper, they're really about why he doesn't want kids, or why got drunk and flirted with his boss... or whatever.That's why it's so hard to control them and stop arguing about the topic. Because it really isn't "about" the topic.The only way to stop invisible arguments is to get them out in the open. You need to discuss, in a rational tone, what that deeper issue is and work on correcting that. Do you even know what it is? What happened "2 or 3 months" ago that started these things? Did you two have a bigger argument that's been lurking in the background all this time, and reappearing under different guises?One aspect of this sort of argument, is that it doesn't seem to have any borders, and one argument spills over into something completely unrelated. You start arguing about who left the milk out and half-an-hour later you find yourself shouting that his mother is a hootchie, and you think "How did I get onto that?" It's classic invisible-argument.Talk to him. Tell him that you feel terrible about the arguments that you two have been having recently and that you want to stop. Hopefully, he'll say the same thing to you. Work with him. Ask him if there is another issue that's bothering him and he's been worried about bringing it up. You should do the same thing, and both of you have to promise the other that talking about whatever it is won't result in an argument. (It's what you're trying to prevent, remember?) You may want to each take a piece of paper and write down those background issues. That way you can stay focussed and not use your voice. Put it in a simple statement that doesn't blame the other person. For example: "I felt hurt when you told Michael I looked like I was pregnant when I wasn't."You'll then have the hard part: solving your problem together. But at least you'll know what it is.If you find that even bringing up the topic results in more fighting, even when you've promised not to, then you need help. Get in touch with a couples counseller, who will remain neutral and who will ask the right questions of each of you to help you sort it all out.Be patient with each other, too. Don't forget the old advice about counting to ten before you say anything. Ask yourself, "If I say what's on my mind, is it going to help the situation, or is it just going to add fuel to the fire?"Good luck.
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