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male
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anonymous
writes: I am married 8 mounths to a great woman. She is truly a great wife. We are in our second marriages, mine a 20 year and hers was 15. She has 3 children, I have 3 and we have one on the way between us both. Great life, right? But when it comes to discussing our past she wants to be open. I have no problem with this but she wants me to give her details. I, on the other hand, I don't want details. It disturbs me. I have told her on a few occassions this bothers me and she said she will try to correct this because she doesn't want to hurt me but she ends up saying, 'come on, just let me say this one thing'. And because I don't want her to feel as if she can't tell me things I end up listening to the story. Let me give some background on this. She was a virgin when she married at 20. She saved it for her husband. She did have oral sex and petting with other boyfriends that she had a relationship with before she met her first husband. Her ex left her at a very hard time in her life and she ended up in the arms of a man that she said took advantage of her. She ended the thing after a couple of months. She dated again and ended up with a man she found on a internet dating site that lasted on and off for 2 years. She though she would end up marrying him but found out he was keeping things and lying to her. She has told me some very beautiful things. She has told me a woman fantasizes about the man she wants to end up with but this is unrealistic. In our case she said I live up to her fantasy man in every way. No man has made her feel like I do. So I don't feel jealousy towards her past but can't handle the thoughts she gives me when she describes the things she did. Please tell me, what man wants to hear how his wife got a boyfriend off that never was able to get off with other woman? She is proud of this. No problem, I know she great at this but do I want this information? Am I being childish? Now get this. My past is a little wilder but since she wanted to know some things, I told her. I on the other hand would have never said anything about what was done and how but she insisted that she would rather know and feel hurt than to conjure up what I may have done with someone. She tells me she can't stop thinking of me with other women and has these thoughts when we make love at times. I feel bad telling her anything about my past now because it hurts her so bad but she gets it out of me. Then I don't want to hear about her but she can't seem to see how insensitive she can be telling me these things. We both have plenty of images to deal with now and it stinks. I have a better way of concealing these thoughs I think than she does but it has jumped up in my mind at times when we are intimate and has caused me some erection problems. Any suggestions please.....
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erection, her ex, her past, jealous, oral sex, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2006): What purpose does the 'details' of one's sexual past serve a loving, committed marriage? Why on earth would the both of you do this? Now, you both are having problems with intimacy. In all their infinite wisdom, many men and women like yourselves... have lovingly stated to their partners, that they don't want to know anything about one's sexual past, because they intuitively knew that it would serve no purpose and would affect them negatively. So after you told your wife that the details were not necessary, I wonder 'why' she didn't just lay this to rest. Did she not know that a conversation like that would bring up things that could potentially hurt you? This was very heartless, unfair and so immature of her to do this to you. She set you up and made it seem like it was safe for you to talk about this. Now some emotional damage has been done. What really bugs me here, is how she manipulated you into telling her things about your past. You trusted her and now she is making you feel sorry that you did. Sit her down and speak from you heart. Tell her: "The pasts are over and it cannot be changed and you and we will never discuss this again. We both love each other and we will move forward." Most of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, things we would like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. That's life. But take this opportunity to let her know, irregardless..you both love each other and you both need to focus on the future and what lays ahead. It's a gift you both can give each other for the rest of your life together.
If she and you aren't up to the task, and forgetting this mess... then get some marriage counseling to save your marriage. Because the worst thing you both can do, is stay married and then make each other feel bad and guilty for something that cannot be changed. If you don't rectify this and help get past all this, I can guarantee that you will both be searching for another perfect man or woman who quite simply........doesn't exist. Have that talk with her and setsome clear boundries today..I just hope it isn't too late. Good luck
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 January 2006):
 Yep I agree with the previous aunt. You guys need to cut this crap out, RIGHT NOW! Talk to her, tell her what you just told us and then if she brings the subject up again, leave the room. Start making so many memories in the bedroom that there will be no more room for the ancient history! You two can do this if you try and enjoy those kids! Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (23 January 2006):
 You both need to stop this now before it destroys your relationship. But that is easier said than done, and things that have been said can't be unsaid.
Firstly understand this about the majority of females, they have a compulsive need to communicate. Your wife is treating you in the way she would perhaps treat an intinmte female friend. She is telling you things that really shouldn't be discussed with sexual partners (unless you both get off on that sort of thing, which you clearly both don't) You on the other hand are responding because this is what she wants to hear from you. I don't think it is the actual "acts" she wants to hear about, I think it is more you wife wants you to share as many intimate details as she has in order to feel closer to you *more bonded*.
Remember this is just my viewpoint, and might not even be close to the mark, but I think maybe you need to call this a day and tell her why: that it is disturbing you. It's not like you wanted her to be a born again Virgin! But just you want her and you to have a new blank slate on which to start your sexual life together.
If telling her straight doesn't seem to get through then maybe your next step is to seek relationship counselling of some sort for you to work throuhg any issues like this before they become insurmountable and destroy what is obviously a good thing you both have.
I wish you both every joy for the future and on the birth of your shared baby.
Good Luck x
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