A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 28, from the North Midlands in the United Kingdom, disabled (but not physically) and bisexual, don't mention it to many people, it doesnt define me, it's not obvious to most people. (for both things, disability and bisexual). I'm mainly attracted to women, very rarely men but it could happen, not ruling it out, just saying it could; however, I've always had difficulty dating anyway due to trying to find someone compatible.This is long so bear with me.I work in an Internet cafe, it's independently-run, has its own little cafe, people pay by the hour to use the PC's; I do some sysadmin work and software installations, and software upgrades - it's a 5-person team. The cafe's not a major chain of shops, just a one-man-and-his-dog operation (or three-friends-and-one-of-them's-uncle, to be precise).However, when it comes to the issue of conversation and "what did you do over the weekend" it usually turns to children and family; in my case, it's commuting since I live about 90 minutes from where I work.I want a proper boyfriend, not a hook-up, not a one-night stand, but how can I meet one where I live (it's semi-rural); I don't want to use dating sites, never been a fan of them and in my area there it is unlikely I'll meet anyone; it's a good place to live with everything essential close to me - the local Co-op, bank, doctor's etc, but quiet for everything else.I don't really want to leave since it's tranquil and not too rural but not too urban. I also live with my parents, because I'm their only son, they'd miss me, and I couldn't live on my own, realistically.I'm not one who's into gay bars, it's a little bit cliched, so where do I go?It's not my dating skills that I need to work on but where to meet people... although I do so in my job, it's only in a functional capacity (and they're mostly never seen again, well, Internet cafes people come and go!) or software suppliers when discussing licences etc. and licence renewal (but that's not an issue for this site). I did see Channel 4's The Undateables and can identify with the people on it, but whether I'd want to be on it is another thing, aren't there issues surrounding things like reality TV, fame, blurring out faces etc. and product placement etc. (not that people go on it to be famous, but still...).My problem is it's where to meet people, commuting isn't really a place, and it's difficult to find a hobby that interests me where I can meet people at the moment since my work became my hobby (I have IT qualifications). I would like some help in this area; I dont know how you'd categorise this on the site, but still, any help is welcomed.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I am not going to give you advice on where to meet people. You already know that. (My only advice about the "where" is don't go to a television show, they exploit people for public amusement and I highly doubt you'll meet the love of your life there.. besides there aren't many bisexual dating shows).
Changing anything about your living situation is going to be difficult and I don't know about the severity of your disability. But it's a beautiful and necessary part of feeling like a grown up, to finally move out of your parents' place. When I moved out, my mum would also miss me at first and call me a lot, but she eventually got used to it (and seems to be enjoying her freedom now). If you can't live on your own, isn't there a possibility to find a living option where somebody is looking after you? Where I live, there's for instance shared or single people apartments where people with disabilities can live and there's some nurse or social worker coming by and seeing to their needs.
You seem to be good at using the internet, so why not do some research about your options? Think of the advantages of living away from parents and closer to work: More time, more personal space, no shame when bringing somebody home..
In the end, I agree with the other agony aunts: If you change nothing.. nothing will change. There are no miracles when it comes to meeting people, you've got to do something about it. Of course there's pro's and con's to everything, but just dismissing every option of meeting people isn't going to help you. For instance.. a gay bar might be a bit cliched, so what? Will the cliche-police come and arrest you because you did something cliched? At least no one will be homophobic there. And if you go just once, at least you tried and gained some experience.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 January 2014):
 OP you said:
“I'm mainly attracted to women, very rarely men but it could happen, not ruling it out, just saying it could;”
Which is fine
But then you said below that:
“I want a proper boyfriend,”
Saying you are more attracted to women, very rarely men, then going on to say “I want a proper boyfriend” seems to me to be a huge Freudian slip. Meaning you may be denying to yourself your true sexual leanings.
Just something to consider.
Your parents EXPECT their children to fly the nest. You using “my parents would miss me” is a crock and you are HIDING behind that.
You are hiding from your real life by using this 90 minute commute, keeping my parents happy, living in the middle of semi-rural nowhere as a reason for not meeting men.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 January 2014):
 It sounds to me like you've perfectly engineered your life to avoid meeting anyone.
When you are really ready to start dating, then maybe you will make other choices about where you life and where you work.
Until then, you are exactly where you put yourself. No one else but you can change that, really.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2014): You state so many reasons why you can't leave the tranquil environment of your parent's home; yet drive 90 minutes to work.
Come on. You don't feel secure enough to live on your own.
You're making excuses. If the mountain won't come to Mohammad; then Mohammad must go to the mountain. You have to find yourself an efficiency apartment close to where you work.
You must learn to fend for yourself, and you have to stop telling yourself you can't. You're isolated. If you need to go to the doctor, how often do you have to go? You can always find one closer. You live in isolation, and complain about how limited things are there.
Well, when you tire of being cutoff from the world and get lonely enough; you'll take a leap of faith. You've never lived on your own; and you're afraid of not having your safety net, your parents. You live in secrecy and it's like you're in prison. That my friend, is your problem.
I think you need to get yourself a small place and just get used to living in a different environment; that offers you a few challenges and some privacy. Just to see if you can do it. I assume your unspoken disability is a social anxiety disorder, Asperger's Syndrome, or schizophrenia? It's nothing you should be ashamed of. You want advice, give us some details about yourself. You have to reveal these things if you meet people. You don't hide such things from folks you want to be intimate with.
It takes exposure and being available in order to meet people.
You categorically eliminate all possibilities by
providing a convenient excuse why you can't do this, or you can't do that. Then stay where you are. Watch the world go by on a screen.
No one is going to ship someone out to you. The odds of someone just walking up to your door; and asking if you were looking for a date are slim to none.
So you have to be proactive. You have to make the effort to be in a place where you increase the odds of meeting new people, other than on your job. I don't like using my job for finding dates. It presents a unique set of problems that could arise, that might interfere with my cash-flow. I don't poop where I eat, and I don't date where I work.
You are a novice, so you should visit a gay bar at least a few times to talk to people, and ask a few questions. If you don't know where to find the action, you have to ask a gay person. Gay people travel a lot; so you really should consider taking a special vacation. Just for the opportunity to meet someone on your own; if only for a short time. Check out gay resorts and cruises online.
Don't go on a mission searching for a relationship. Attempt to make friends and get comfortable within your skin. You have far too many small obstacles to overcome; before you can start anything leading to a relationship. You need to find independence. Learn to live on your own. Then search for someone to share your time and perhaps have a relationship. Anything you try to start under your present situation is going to be a lot of hiding and sneaking around. No one should be subjected to that crap.
Finding women under your remote situation should be easier than finding another man. Most gay men get out of isolated small towns as soon as they are old enough to earn a living. So if you happen upon someone who is gay where you are; they are living as secretly as you are. You may not be their type, or the other way around. So you have to expand your options. That takes getting out into the world.
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