A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is living alone at age 21 a bad decision?Basically I'm living in an apartment with my roommate but during the last semester of our senior year at college, she will most likely (if she is accepted) be studying in another state, meaning I will have to either find a new roommate which I don't like the idea of or find my own single bedroom apartment.Now I do like the idea of living alone, as I would simply prefer that to living with a stranger or someone I don't fully trust to help pay the bills. However I'm honestly worried it's going to have a negative effect on me. Basically, I don't feel fully confident in my ability to live on my own. There are several reasons as to why;For one, I'm not 100% familiar with the town I'm going to school in. Yes I've been attending this school for 3 years now, but this 3rd year is the only year I've had my own car and have been getting around on my own, yet I still rely on my roommate to drive us to places I'm unfamiliar with as she has a much better sense of direction than I do. I'm the type of person who sticks with the one route I know and am familiar with to the point where if there was construction I would have no idea how to get around it.Secondly, I have a rather unstable emotional side. I get anxiety about random things. I think too much when I'm alone, and it often brings me down. The smallest things make me want to break down and cry which is horribly pathetic, but I can't control it. Tears automatically start forming. Just the other day it took all my strength to not cry in class when I completely embarrassed myself. It's not like I want to either, it just happens. These emotions completely overtake my mind no matter how much I tell myself to just relax or not think about it. I mean come on, people embarrass themselves all the time! Especially in a classroom as they're still learning, and don't fully know everything yet. So why does it make me emotional when I'm freaking 20 years old!Thirdly I feel that I have no one else here. I came to this school alone. I just happened to click really well with my freshman roommate that we've been friends since. And she is really my only friend. There's two other people that I consider friends who are both younger than me, one I've known since high school and the other I became friends with through my roommate. BUT they both have their own primary friends that they hang out with. And let's face it, I'm not necessarily the life of the party. Sometimes I feel like the high school friend doesn't even remember that I exist...so there's this fear that in a sense I really am going to be all alone.And fourth, the best way to describe myself is that I am an adult, (will be 21 when all this happens) yet I have the emotional instability of a freaking 16 year old and I am completely aware of it too. I have absolutely no backbone so to speak. I know many people would say it's me being immature, which sucks because I know if people could see how my mind works that they would understand, but they can't. Thoughts make me cry, my own mind blocks my confidence to do or say things, I feel like I constantly need a 'safety net' around to help me when I need it. Even as I write these things I want to cry which is beyond pathetic and I hate myself for doing it. What sucks the most is that people tell me to simply change my mindset, as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But it's not. You know what the best way to explain it is? Depression. When people are diagnosed with depression, they KNOW that people are there for them, they KNOW life has it's ups and downs, etc. yet they have this mental disorder that acts almost like a physical barrier to them, it prevents them from getting out of bed, from socializing, everything. That's how I feel! I doubt I have depression but that's the absolute best way to explain it.Overall, I want to live on my own and give myself this experience that I KNOW I desperately need. But I also know how I am as a person, and I'm just afraid that living on my own in an unfamiliar place, 5 hours away from home is going to lead me to a mental breakdown. Should I do it anyway? Not that I necessarily have a choice...I need to graduate college. I just feel like it could end up very very badly...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): I am the original poster of this question.
I just want to say WiseOwlE, Thank you so much! Just reading your response made me feel a whole lot better. You made me smile and feel so much more confident in myself and I am very grateful for it.
Again thank you so much! Especially for taking the time to write all that as well. I truly appreciate what you shared with me.
-OP
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 March 2015):
 When I was 18 I moved to London and found a job and a place to stay. All in 3 days. I didn't know ANYTHING about getting around in London. I did NOT get to know the city 100%.
You CAN live on your own without knowing the city 100%. I moved to Copenhagen a couple of years later, and while I knew most of the town I certainly didn't know it 100%. I doubt I ever will.
I think it will be a good thing for you to do, actually. CHALLENGE yourself. If it doesn't work well, then LOOK for a room-mate situation.
You can do this. MILLIONS have done it before you.
The world can seem big and scary, but you still have to get out in it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2015): Hello me, forty years ago! Now here I am that period of time later, and never thought I'd get here. Learned a lot along the way, and now passing it on.
I am going to introduce you to a new word. That new word is
"inexperience." You have no experience, so you have fears.
Your maturity is crying-out to you, to set yourself free! You know it will be a challenge, you know there may be odds against you; and all sorts of obstacles before you.
You fought back tears in class; but you had the nerve to try, and still to go forward. You held those tears back, and you'll get it right the next time. You are facing your fears everyday, you just have to learn when to pat yourself on the back for what you've accomplished. You've gotten through high school, and you are "already living on your own." Your parents aren't in the next room. You have a roommate who splits the living expenses, and gets you around. That's called using your resources. You now have a car; then get yourself a navigation app for your smartphone, or GPS for your car. Use Google maps to download written directions from your lap-top or desktop.
Drive around aimlessly, and challenge yourself to find your way back. Don't let the anxiety of being lost overwhelm you, no matter how old you get; being lost is confusing and scary. Finding your way is victorious and empowering!
Everything you laid out so articulately in your post, sweetheart; may I say earnestly, I've been there, and I've done that! From every obstacle you face, you'll find your way over it, around it; or you go right through it.
You're not 21 yet; so how will you have the confidence and sureness of someone that age? You take on the challenges and you face them head-on. Living alone is independence. You are learning to budget, manage time, set priorities, use your own resources, and govern your own life-style. You will be creating your own value-system, and forcing yourself to fight your own battles. You've got strength, and you've written this post; because something within you is telling you how strong you are. You think because you're scared you're weak. You're inexperienced!!! Even people being treated for anxiety disorders and phobias are encouraged to face their fears. It's how you overcome them and heal. You can control your fears, or they will control you. That's self-imprisonment. Yeah, I've done it! I've outgrown most of it, that's always a work in progress. That's the purpose of an education, gaining street-smarts, and making mistakes. It's the process of learning to solve problems, and find solutions; in order to survive.
Let me tell you, you will never stop being scared of taking on new challenges. You'll never grow too old to be scared! Failure is not an end-all. It is a lesson learned, a temporary delay, a hiccup; in preparation for survival. You will make mistakes, but unless you fail, you will not have the ability to overcome your mistakes, or learn your potential. You will never taste the sweetness of victory! You cannot develop tools of survival without getting out of your comfort-zone.
You will be depressed and unhappy; because you're not supposed to be happy all the time. Life owes us nothing; and we're not born entitled to anything, but to live it. Hopefully free and unencumbered. You will be lonely, and you will have fears. That's what life presents. However;
you'll learn gradually; and sometimes in spurts, what you're truly made-of. Maturity has brought me strength and allowed me to reach accomplishments I would have told you thirty-plus years ago would never happen to me, ever! I have to daily grow and maintain patience, build confidence, and face my failures. That happens day to day. Even for you!
I've also survived profound failures and losses. I didn't let them take me down. I've suffered hurt, cried, but got-up again. My parents taught me to believe in myself, and a Higher Power watching over me. They watch over me, and everyone I love and who loves me, is watching-out for me. Even people who don't know you, will voluntarily keep you from running into a wall, getting hit by a bus, or going down the wrong path. You will never know everything!
I've lost siblings, the love of my life of 28 years died of cancer, my parents have passed-away, I have maintained success and persevered even through a crushing economy.
Most of that, I had to do alone. I had accomplished many things "before" I met my partner, during, and now long after. Guess, what, sweetie? You will too!
Somebody who is really afraid to take risks would never say: "I'd like to live alone." They'd say, "I need to find someone to take care of me!" We all resort to that feeling no matter what age we get. We are not expected to be strong all the time. We can and will inevitably fall victim to our weaknesses, as well. Not just you, everyone! We just can't let them overtake us; if we want happiness, and desire to live.
Your mind is already made-up, and all you have to do is make a plan. You needed encouragement. Here it is! I see potential in just the fantastic way you express yourself. You're one to be reckoned with, and just don't know it yet. You are ready to embark on life, heading into womanhood. It starts out scary, but you'll make it.
Now, I've come to young people like you to let them know; fear is only an emotion. It is unfounded when there is no evidence of why you should be. You gain confidence through challenges and failures. You gain knowledge, power, and strength by facing your fears. Believing in yourself, and not punishing yourself for being cautious or making mistakes. You must be careful; because you have to know what you're doing, have a plan in order to execute and reach your goals; and realize your courage will come and go. It's all a part of growth and being human.
Everything you're going through, everyone older has faced. You want to live alone; because you are sensing your confidence, but fearing the unknown. Once you have faced it, you will see that you can take it on. You will have some difficult moments; but your sense of survival will kick-in, and you will be successful at it. I know it. Because I used to be where you are, and it's like I wrote both your post, and mine! Can I relate? HELL YEAH! At my age I was scared to start again after my partner died. Almost eight years later, met a new guy, still hit some rough spots, but I'm happy. Now I'm passing the torch to you, because you've got it in you. Now go do it. Step through the door leading to your destiny and maturity. All it takes is time, effort, and lots of practice. Then someday, you'll be so good at it; you'll be telling someone like us how you did it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 March 2015):
 I feel like you do, but only on certain hormonal days of the month or when I am about to get a flu virus. You have a roommate right now and you are still feeling like this, and your new roommate isn't necessarily going to play the therapist role. The worst scenario is that she could be the one causing your anxieties. She could be a party girl, she could be spreading gossip about you. It sounds like your parents can afford the whole apartment for you, so you should live alone. Your mind is more powerful than you think. You always prepare for a crisis when things are actually fine at the end. I am never a person to pop pills when I feel sick but have you considered medicine to see if it helps, even if it's St John's wort? You can also try deep breathing exercises and yoga.
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