A
female
age
,
*crambled brain
writes: Hi, it's me again some time after my last post in April. The wife with the text cheating husband (one of many I'm sure). When I discovered his secret phone he 'came clean' about a few other things one of which was that they 'occasionally' met in the park at lunchtime where he goes to eat his lunch. He said he had to buy the secret phone to keep in touch over urgent work business as he'd agreed to show me all the bills on his proper phone and found it was impossible to communicate without texting. Plus they had general chat as they were still 'friends'. Grrrr. I texted her a few time to cross reference their stories and she said they'd never met in the park even though I said he'd confessed. He said it was just for a chat or if any paperwork relating to work needed signing/checking (they got to know each other through being on the same committee, she being the secretary so did actually have to liaise}. He insists there was no lovey-dovey-ness in spite of the fact I'd read some texts off her saying 'love you, miss you, can't stop thinking about you'. He reckons it was just a stupid game and the texts weren't real life and he no way loved her in that way.Well, we've just returned from a fabulous weekend in Prague but while sitting on a bench by the river it made me think of them in the park. In fact her shadow followed me around Prague all weekend and I couldn't get her out of my head as usual. I managed to keep my mouth shut but have been crying this morning now we're home. I told him why I was crying and said they MUST have held hands/kissed on the park bench. He then stormed out to go to the car wash and said the only solution is divorce as this will never end. I agree that I will NEVER be able to get her out of my head but neither of us want a divorce although I am driving him to it more and more as I just can't let it drop. I can't see how I'll ever come to terms with their emotional bond and be able to move on. I know this time for sure that they definately have no more contact and he loves and adores me to bits. I also took off my eternity ring and put it back in the box and won't wear the Christmas and birthday jewellery he bought me as he was still in contact with her then.I know he doesn't want to split up and if he is still not telling me the whole truth because he doesn't want me to divorce him, why would he threaten divorce when I keep raking it up? I want to have my head excorcised of her but she won't go away. Everything is brilliant as long as I don't mention it and I know he adores me. If you've been following my previous posts you'll know this was all triggered by my lack of interest in him due to the menopause and she happened to be in the right place at the right time due to the work stuff. He is not a serial weasel. Also one of her texts said she felt guilty leading him on as they'd done nothing yet so I am pretty sure there was no sex involved at that point although the texting on the secret phone carried on for several months after I read that.Can anyone out there give me any advice or perhaps speak from personal experience. Would it be possible that it really meant so little to him that he keeps saying I've blown everything out of all proportion and that's why he gets mad when I bring it up?Thanks for your time in reading this x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): then scrambled brain you made your choice. and you need to stick to it and live each day. you will have bad days and good days. and you will have to live with him threatening to divorce you every time you mention his affair.
i think you not seeking counselling is a mistake but to each his/er own.
good luck. i hope you do work through this mess and come out stronger in the end. not for him but for you. plse realise this your life is important and you are strong. so chin up and tackle life headon.
A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (26 May 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said he would do anything including counselling and a lie detector test (do they exist in real life?) but I am very sceptical about counselling and think it's just people nosing into your lives. I can't see how anyone can make me come to terms with it all. Yes, other people do know about it but they're all friends of mine plus my mum because I so needed support. His friends know nothing as he never tells anyone his business and he would certainly go down in their estimation if they knew all this. You might remember one of my posts saying she told me she'd told her husband but I'm sure it would have been a version that suited her incase I got to him first. I would LOVE to contact him and present him with all my evidence, texts and phone bills etc. and make her suffer for a change (that's if her husband was as badly affected as me, maybe being a fella it wouldn't bother him that much). I really don't see a solution. We've made up again now after falling out after Prague but I'm sure the cycle will continue cos I just can't move on. She will haunt me for ever. Trouble is, I couldn't live without my husband either and don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face. My life would be perfect if it wasn't for her and a lot of people would envy what I've got in my marriage. One of my female friends is always looking outside her marriage as she doesn't love or fancy her husband and she said she would give anything to have the love that we've got. She can't see a way out of her loveless (on her part) marriage and is dreading spending the rest of her life like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): you know i have read all your posts as you discovered his affair. i also responded to you many times. unfortunately i do not have any sympathy for your hb since i believe i am seeing this situation through different eyes. maybe i am just too hard and harsh!you did not answer about the marriage counselling & how many people really know of his affair. did you try to hide it?
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (26 May 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe DOES know what a mess it is as it's destroying our lives but reckons he's tried all he can to convince me. The trouble is, if he is telling the truth, I'm actually going to end up causing us to split for no good reason but if he is lying I'll feel a fool being taken in. I can't win either way can I? I think that's what he means by "you'll just have to make a decision" cos he knows it's in my hands.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): have you discussed marriage conselling? you need to get it in his big fat head that he BETRAYED YOU, HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR (YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER ANYTHING ELSEHAPPENED). they both lied to you. who can you trust his word ehrn his word means nothing. his lies and manipulation. you need to talk ot someone or else it will still eat at you and eventually destroy you.
he seems so full of himself where he only cares for his feelings. ehy cannot he see this mess for what it is. he is deluding himself. "well you'll just have to believe the worse and make a decision". this in itself is a threat!
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain +, writes (26 May 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe just keeps saying he has tried his best to help me and explained until he is blue in the face but I can't let it go. It was all just a stupid game and ego boost which I wasn't giving him at that time and he had 2 years of hell when I was so unloving cos all he wanted was my love.
It does all make sense when he says those things but I can't get over what they "had" and he keeps repeating that I've blown it out of all proportion. I tell him he would say that to play it down to which he says "well you'll just have to believe the worse and make a decision".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Scrambled brain, ONLY A PLEASURE. BUT THE QUESTION IS , WHAT ARE YOU TO DO NOW. still be on this emotional roller coaster or try to salvage this marriage. what has he now said about the divorce?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Thank you sooooo much 'female reader' for taking time out to give me your opinion x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): at that time it did mean something for him. all his les, the secret cell phone, the secret meeting up and the secret texts.
i think your hb is now trying to control your emotions, he has not allowed you to morn this invasion in your lives. if i remember correctly he previously threatened divorce as well. i think you need to tread very carefully. the start will be marriage counselling. the meeting in the park is yes, the "ultimate" betrayal. i think he has more skeletons but is hiding it. he may love you but this woman meant something in his life for almost a year.
Why does he not want you to hurt and mourn the loss of his affections that he “gave” to the other woman for 12 mnths. He just can’t expect you to forgive and forget. You have some mental pictures that won’t go away. He needs to understand this. I believe he should show you compassion, and love. Is he kind to you. Does he hold you when you cry. what has HE leant from his affair and how sure are you that it is now OVER finally. His lies meant so much of betrayal. You caught him out time and time again.
Does this womans hb know of her affair. You may not gain anything but if he definitely knows of your hb then maybe he will be the barrier bet your hb and this woman. I must say you must be careful since your hb has also displayed violent behaviour when you confronted him previously. He has a manipulative hold over you and he knows that you are dependent on him both financially and emotionally. He uses this against you.
Your hb cannot and should not threaten you all the time. He was the wrong one in the marriage. He emotionally abused you (his affair) and now he is emotionally blackmailing you. Can you not confide in a priest or very close family member. Does your kids know that he had the affair or are you so scared of his attacking you . are you just pretending all is well. You hb is treating you like an emotional doormat.
There was a female recently who posted that she could not forget her hb’s affair and was slowly becoming financially strong. She was preparing herself to move on and away from him. She had enough. I think for you you too need to put aside some funds monthly. Do not tell anyone, not even your kids/friends. This secret finances will help you out if he indeed does divorce you. Maybe in the end it won’t be so bad. You need to know this – you will survive without him in the end. Yes, he may love you sort of, but with this “love” comes your punishment.
Even of you don’t do the marriage counselling together then maybe just yourself. You need to heal ,and you also need to grow, as a person. You may love this emotional blackmailer but you are human too. He just wants you to forget his affair, it is so hard. Surely he knows this. What kind of a man is he that he just expects you to move and forget. Life is not like that. Your hb is acting like a manipulative bastard. He may be the boss at work but he is sure an arsehole at home. (sorry i am being crude). Only time will tell whether all this drama will just be over soon. In the meanwhile please work on yourself- your health, your financial wellbeing and your emotional state.
Good luck and please keep us posted. I have been reading your story during the past few months and i believe it is SAD. Sad for you and for us, but not for him. Makes me just so cross! i know you want to move on but you are still hurt and you need to work on this pain.
i am hoping the more seasoned agony aunts and uncles may shed more light. take care
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