A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help, ive got myself into a pickle.Im a 36 year old women who would one day like to get married and have a baby with the right man.I have no children and have never been married.A lovely 28 year old guy asked me out,he is handsome ,charming and kind.Then my ex boyfriend (38) of 6 years heard a couple of guys had asked me out and then wanted back in my life just like last time. ex never wants children or marriage.When two guys previously to this asked me out, i did the right thing and told them i may be getting back with my ex and that i couldnt have contact with them anymore. Then the ex treats me so bad that we split up.Now, yet again the same situation. A month has passed and hes wearing down my self esteem again with emotional abuse and constant putdowns.This time i kept texting the young guy as the ex kept informing me we will split up again. So this time i think i will go on a second date with the young guy without my boyfriend knowing.I dont expect it will lead anywhere.But he seems a lovely kind man and the guy im with is yet again turning into a control freak but whom im still in love with.Surely one date with the young guy to see wont hurt?or i do what i did last time, be honest and lose everything again.Before anyone takes the moral high ground how do i not know that the young guy is better for me?All i want is a guy who treats me right and whom i will love and be with.
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emotionally abusive, my ex, self esteem, split up, text, want children Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Are you still with your ex or what? I'm confused.
The question is this and this is the one you have to ask yourself, are you looking for this guy to replace your ex? To be somehow be "better" enough so that you won't want to go back to him again?
I don't think you should date this other guy at all, you're only going to hurt him and you're only going to drag him into this mess. You're not able to stay away from your ex, your not able to move on from him. It's not about honesty it's about you not standing a chance with him because of this whole mess you have with your ex, constantly on/off crap what guy wants to get involved with a girl that's in that kind of situation? OP love is a big risk on its own but what you have going doesn't just make you a risk it makes you a person that will definitely hurt any guy that she tries to date. OP no one likes being a rebound it's horrible and honestly it sounds like you're using this new guy in your game of on/off with your ex.
This guy isn't your escape, he's not the solution and when he finds out what's going on with your ex, when he knows what you do with your ex and how you keep going back, then he's going to walk away and not want to see get involved because it's too dangerous OP. If he does then he's a fool.
OP please don't take this the wrong way and try and see what I'm saying for what it is, I'm not trying to be insulting but you're not exactly behaving in such a way that any sane, well balanced guy is going to want to date you. Right now you're not relationship material at all. You're not going to find a knight in shining armour that will whisk you away from your ex, no OP, you have to do that yourself. Because you know those guys in shining armour? They're the control freak type, they're the ones that obsess and get weird they're the ones that don't mind being an upgrade to your ex, they're the ones that will pretend everything about you is great for a year or two then when the honeymoon ends they tell you lots of things they never liked about you but they hoped would change.
If you want to stand any chance of long term happiness with another guy then you have to completely remove your ex from life. You have to, it seems to me like it's your ex who is always calling the shots, even now he's controlling the break up. You're not moving on from him OP, he's the one who says whether you'll break up or not and if he decides he wants you back you will go back regardless of whether you have a new guy or not.
Even in your question you state you want to try this guy out only as a tester because you "don't know if he will be better for you" That's a load of crap OP. You're proposing going from a nice woman who was honest with guys and didn't use them, to being a woman out looking for a backup in case her ex is serious this time.
Why would anyone want to get with you while you're still in love with him?
OP all you can do is find the strength to leave your ex, get rid of him and spend some time getting over your love for him. Only when you know without a shadow of a doubt that he will never be part of your life again will you be ready to date, until that time all you'll know and do is heartbreak, you'll break guys hearts and you'll have yours broken when you realize we guys really don't want to be your back up, we don't want to be your second choice or the guy you turn to to solve all your issues. Because frankly OP if you can't sort this out yourself and actually learn to be strong then you're just going to end up with another control freak because you're weak.
Time to find strength, time to find independence.
A
female
reader, Gothic_lady +, writes (25 January 2011):
Hi hun :) Sounds very complicated. It's your life. You'll never know, if you don't give the younger guy a chance. Don't let your ex complicate matters. Put your foot down. Don't be walked over.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 November 2007):
 I agree that you need a guy who will treat you right and love you. I just don't think that the 38-year old is that man. Apparently he wants you back the minute he knows another man sets his eyes on you, but dumps you when he feels sure you're not seeing anyone else. He doesn't love you; he just sees you as his property.
I called him "the 38-year old" because I can't call him your ex. I'm not sure about this: if he's your ex, how can he be splitting with you?
As to the 28 year old, I think you should not date him unless you are really willing to try your luck with him. He's not a past-time. Maybe he does fancy you and expects a lot from that meeting. I don't think it would be right to break his heart.
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A
male
reader, tux  +, writes (6 November 2007):
 Forgot the moral highroad, I think you need to just get rid of your ex to begin with. He is not going to make you happy nor if you continue to let this happen to let you become happy. You need and deserve to be with someone who will make you happy.. that will marry you and have a kid or two. He just doesn't want to see some other guy do what he couldn't do..make you happy. Forget your ex. move on. Don't make a mistake that you are later going to regret. Your ex does not care a bit about you.. otherwise he wouldn't just come around because soomeone else wants you.. he'll come around because he wants you. and the way it seems is that he just doesn't want you to be happy with another guy.
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