A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I moved across the country to be with my bf of 4years. He have broken up several times before and have cheated.When i moved we talked about leaving everything behind and forgive each other in order to be happy. I still have trouble with it sometimes and the way he treated me at one point. He has been working alot with his new job. We dont have sex anymore because hes always too tired. We went from 1 to 2 a day to once every two weeks. Its a big change that i cannot understand. He doesnt call me on his breaks we never do anything. I feel that the only thing we do is sleep next to each other everynight and im not happy. I always bring it up but he never takes it serious. This morning i caught him mastubating. I asked him why he wont have sex with me and he said that it was normal and all guys do it and asked me if i masturbate. I dont think its a big deal if we had a noemal sex life but when we dont than i think theresa issue. I've never felt so rejected and unwanted and it really hurts me. I love him so much, Im not happy, and a big part of me wants to pack up my car and leave and move on before he gets back from his trip... I dont know what to do...refusing to talk he said see u in a week then i said or maybe never... he said if i was going to say that to actually do it. I know hes not cheating on me btrouble ut i dont know if im over reacting or not. Im not happy, and feel that he will never change, I dont know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): I really feel for you. I had been with my last bf for nearly 3 years everything was great at first but gradually his feelings towards me seem to have faded. for the last year we were together we rarely ever had sex, and when we did it was because i feel he felt obligated to do so. i would ask him how he felt towards me and he would tell me that he loved me, however i doubt he really was in love with me since he rarely showed it to me physically (we would kiss but itd be q simple peck on the lips and not a passionate kiss that we would have shared in the past).
i dont consider myself to have a high sex drive but the fact that he rarely ever wanted to have sex with me was killing my self-esteem. i think that im quite attractive physically but being with him made me feel as if i was undesirable and... ugly. for a long time i accepted his wishes not to be intimate with him because i believed him when he told me that he loved me. i was so scared to leave him and in total denial of the situation that i was kinda living in this horrible state of limbo.
eventually, i decided to move back to my country to stay there for the time being and to get my head sorted because im dealing with a lot of other issues right now (planning my future and career path). at first i was very hesitant, fearing the worst and terrorfied of the prospect of him seeing other girls but the time away has really started to benefit me.
u know, this is actually quite a recent thing and only actually happened 3 weeks ago but im starting to feel much better and more myself again. the time away has really made me contemplate the situation and its helping me slowly get my life back on track. as for him, well we never actually agreed on a break-up, but the prospect of loosing him for good isnt really affecting me at all. in fact, i dont even bother to contact him because im fed up of being weak and taken for granted. for so long now ive told myself that i should stick with him because i had nobody else in this world but now im starting to feel totally indifferent. i couldnt care less if he decided to break up with me now because all this time it felt like we werent even together and to be honest i feel that the relationship is already dead.
trust me, u should end it. i tried to justify the no sex part with a bunch of bullshit to make myself believe that the relationship was going ok. i endured many nights of self loathing believing that something was wrong with me physically or psychologically for him not to want to touch me . all it did was make me: helpless, vulnerable, depressed and mentally unstable.
this guys sounds like an asshole anyway to have cheated on u in the past. tell him u need some time off and stay with ur parents or something. do some inner reflection and try to think about ur relationship more rationally. most importantly, tell urself that u DO NOT deserve this and that u can do a lot more for urself not having to endure his shit.
-sorry bout the language lol
but in the meantime, that is, if u decided to move back with ur parents to clarify the situation, dont dwell on things, take care of urself by exercising and eating right and dont contact him.
tell him that u need space and that he should not contact u until ure ready. and please try not to make the mistake in justifying his past actions with lies that uve made up to save the relationship. in fact, if u think about every negative thing and how wrong he has treated u it will motivate u to stay way.
i really hope things work out for u because i empathise with u*x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Perhaps this is a phase that will change, perhaps you guys will start having more sex again. He sounds like he's fallen into a rut of some kind, that has taken away his interest for sex (sex with you, not masturbating). Of course he's allowed to masturbate and its normal, but like you said, only if you two have a normal sex life. Your sex life has basically stopped, and I don't think you'd be less hurt if he stopped masturbating. He's still rejecting you, which is what hurts. If you dont think this will change, perhaps it is best to pack your things. But I suggest you dont just leave behind his back, but have a conversation with him when he gets back where you explain to him why you are leaving.
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