A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi 30 Years, I have been struggling with some sort of sexual feelings towards older man above 50 yrs. I was sexually abused between the age of 8-13 years by some of youngsters in my family. Some how managed to come out, at my teenage badly need of father love due to some emotional problems and health problems, could not get my father becoz he is very short tempered and always afraid of him. Never had any sort love and affection which is normal with most of father and son. Since I was very afraid and badly need of a father's love have started to look out the love from other older man. At the age of 18 have started to dream of a older man whom I like as my father by thinking of the way he gives me a hug, kiss and allows me sleep on his lap. If I dont see him one day feel like was missing him a lot. I was not able to express my feelings to anyone as was very afraid what they say or do. I wasn't have any sexual feelings towards him. The same way wherever I go when I see some older men and have become very emotional and my mind starts to look for their love. Its like have become more emotional and sensitive day by day. but these emotions started to build up in my life was not able to find any way to come out as was very afraid tell out side. Have been depressed a lot, some days have seen some older man nude photos to release my depression started dream of having sex with him. This has developed me more anxiety in me, I am attracted to girls but sexual feeling towards them is very less. Still if I think some one as my father just have only emotional feelings towards him feel sexual feeling is not there, but could not control my emotions towards them. I would get depressed a lot some time. This has become like every day problem of my life to reduce my started started to look out for some porn movies in the internet of older men sex and start masturbating. Still I understood that its all becoz of lack of love from my father has put me in to the feelings of expection same love from other older men, but dont understand my self when I see an older man like him expect a love and affection from him. Frankly speaking all I would be expecting is his hug and a word of "love you my son." If I think some one as my father dont have any sexual feelings towards even if they are around me and am sitting next them and dont dream of any sexual feelings towards them, once thing dont understand and confused is then how this sexual feelings towards an older man has developed in me and mostly goes in the need see some older men nude photos, start thinking of them by having sex and masturbating. How its developed in me this dont know, I thought if get pure love from a father could help me to come out, have discussed with few elders but they were not interested to support and help me as they were very afraid. I met therapist but could not visit them reguarly as dont want to disclose this with any of friends may loose their friendship. I have been struggling for a long almost 15 years. I understood from my life, how important is a father's love and affection, how childhood abuse can change a person's life. Its a big lesson, my main ambition is to give love and affection to the kids who really need of a father's love and want to safeguard them from these peoples who do wrong things with kids which may screw their life up like me. Even if I try to come out by concentrating on other works one day can again next day do that mistake. Still I believe god would send someone as my father who can heal me from this and save me out of this life. then Question is when it would happen?I am very tired of going thru this life and often visit orphanages and help and support kids by spending time with them. And I always pray to god for them that they should please dont make them struggle like me... Looking for some support from this who can give me a solution and their help.
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