A
female
age
41-50,
*uju67
writes:Hello!In short, I have lived and moved to many countries throughout my life. Sometimes due to my fathers change of job location and sometimes due to my own ambitions. I lost my mother at a very early age and I have never wanted children. That frees me up for a life of adventure.3 Years ago, at the age of 40, I left Germany ( my last home), and followed a young German man I was in love with, to London. Although I knew the relationship had no future I wanted to give myself a chance to re-build my self esteem, take a risk and give it all another shot.When I was 22 I fell into art and was very good at it. I won many awards. I was 'famous ' for a short while. Like so many people, earning a living and making art is very challenging. I have spent the last 20 years trying to find a a way to do this. It would seem i often became easily discouraged and easily distracted through relationships with men much younger than myself. I still desperately want to be a success at it, but although I am known to be very disciplined in every other aspect of my life like sport and healthy eating, I am having a tough time really settling down and getting on with it. And it kills me because I know I am really, really good.Back to my move to London. I saw the move as a new start. I had big plans. I was going to work as a freelance graphic designer while doing a part time MA in painting. So far, so good. All went according to plan in the first year. But then the recession hit me very badly. I could not cope with the MA and had to postpone it for a year in order to gather some financial resources. However, the design work has also come to a halt and I find myself locked in a 5 day week job selling clothes to very mumsy ladies who annoy me.The problem is that I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied. It's not going away. After work, I go home, I read my book. I feel alone, mixed up, sad that this is what my life has really come to and worst of all, I meet no one. I feel numb to even make the effort to get out there and join clubs. I live in a tiny room, 3m by 3m in an area, which is beautiful, but which is too far away from my friends. I have no family here and no partner. I hang onto the hope that things will get bettter. I have moments of joy, followed by nagging feelings that things are'nt getting better for me.I am inclined to think I should go back to Germany where I have more friends and family. I would also be able to afford my own apartment with, I hope, an extra room to paint in.But, then when I am feeling hopeful again, I am excited about London. There are so many possibilities. It could work if I want it to. I could get back into freelance design work and try again. But when? This year? Next year? How long should I wait? How long should I continue to hope for a better time? In the mean time, I am frittering away.What's holding me back from moving back to Germany straight away, is the knowledge that my stint as a freelance garphic designer would be over. they just don't have it in my home town. I know I would end up working in luxury retail again, earning more money than here, yes, but my chances of graphic design would be over. My painting would, however, continue. And that is what I want most of all.So, my question is, at what point do I give in and say, this is not working for me and go back to Germany ( I am waiting for a job to come through). Or just really stick it out. At what point am I following old patterns of moving when things get tough?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Problem.helper  +, writes (18 April 2010):
 Sadly here are not a lot of people who could help you with this problem. My brother was just like you and he finnaly sattled when he was 40 and he told me that he wished he've done it 10 years ago. Don't wait too long when you feel right you should do it do it.
Don't take it wrong way but you're not getting much younger but don't rush too.
Think about work but think also about when you'll feel more home and right
The good partner would be the solution and please don't be too i use the word lazy to do something about it.
You sound like an interesting woman but i don't thing dating much younger men would solve your problem
Good luck it will work out it always does.
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