A
female
age
30-35,
*x_LifeIsForLiving_xX
writes:Hi-I'm female from the UK- and I'm in a dilemma. When I was 15,I went through a horrendous phase which involved me doing many things I regret. There is no need to go into detail with what happened, but I went 'off the rails' and got into some very seriously dangerous situations.Before this happened, I was happy. I had a set of friends in school, a good set of friends out of school and a boyfriend of almost two years- who I was convinced I loved. Slowly I drifted away from my friends at school, but I wasn't really bothered because I had other friends; who I got on so much better with, and a boyfriend whom I told everything to. My boyfriend and I broke up, and I went a bit 'funny' then. (I wasn't myself.) I managed to isolate everyone around me for a period of time. After a while, I begun seeing my out of school friends again, and became very close to a different guy. He was very good friends with my ex. My ex pursued me as some kind of 'bunny boiler/ whore,' so I was ditched by my boyfriend and all my friends- and I've never seen them again since.Everything ended and that's when the bad period started and I went off the rails... Now, I am nearly happy again, after recovering from the toughest six months of my life. I have a new set of friends, who are all genuinely good, intelligent people who have morals and respect one another. However, it has recently occurred to me that one of the people I used to be (best)friends with; may be following in my footsteps. She has recently confided in me, saying that isn't getting on with her friends in school, but isn't bothered, as she has her boyfriend; whom she describes as her comfort- as I did mine. I'm worried that when she has fully drifted apart and outgrown her friends, she will depend too much upon her boyfriend. She- like me, doesn't always make the best decisions for herself, and I know that if her boyfriend were to leave her, she wouldn't cope well on her own. I worry that she will become what I did and get herself into awful situations.I want to talk to her about this, as we used to be extremely close and I can't just stop caring and being concerned about someone. Yet, I don't want her to think I am making assumptions and just being ridiculous. All I know is that if someone had told me about something like this, I most likely would not have gotten into the situations I got into. I am deeply concerned for my 'friend' and want to help- but what if she doesn't let me? Sorry this is long, and a bit difficult to make sense of, but I'm really not sure if I'm just being silly and making a potentially big deal out of nothing.Any advice on whether to speak to her or not, what I should tell her- or how I can possibly get her to see things from a different light would be much appreciated.-Thanks x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): You grew stronger by solving the problems step by step yourself. You needed to discover those answers yourself, by trial and error, to grow. Just as an unstaked plant invariably grows stronger than a heavily staked, protected and tied plant, so too do people who are too protected and cossetted Fail to learn how to stand on their own two feet to grow. She is not you, she has a different set of life skills and experiences and genes to you. She needs to develop her own confidence and her own solutions. She may even see your intervention as unwelcome. She is not your responsibility. You have made a new life, you have good friends now. You cannot solve her problems. That is her job, in order for her to grow and learn.
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 All you can do is share YOUR experience with her...what she does with the information is entirely out of your control...
You can let her know that you are there for her, it she ever needs to talk about anything.
I wouldn't tell her that you see her following your footsteps. She may resent that.
We all have to go through problems in life...it is our way of learning. And we usually come out stronger for it. You can't prevent her fall...but you can be her safety net if in fact she does fall!
~BG~
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (7 November 2010):
 one way or another, people get burned by others. if it's not going to be this time, it's going to be another time. it sucks but I think it's inevitable, especially in the middle school/high school years. If it would make you feel better, you can warn her and say you're worried she'll do what you did, but if she doesn't want to hear it, don't push it. She has to make her own mistakes (or choices) for herself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): It's difficult to assist without some background info. Every dilemna is different and so is approached and resolved differently.
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