A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to talk about these problems without sounding crazy so I'm just going to come out and say it.I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. I know this may be creepy but I often think about his ex girlfriend and their relationship. I know their relationship was amazing up until she left him. They were together for almost 2 and a half years. He says she was his first love. It took him a long time to get over her and he has even said he was still in love with her for a while after she had left him. Doesn't really help the fact that he still talks to her to this day even though it's been over a year since they broke up.What I'm trying to get at here is, I can't help but think he loved her more than he loves me, that their relationship was better than ours, that she made him happier than I do, that if he had the chance, he would get back with her, that when he talks to her that feelings are still there between them, the list can just go on and on, and I get paranoid. Even though I love him to death and he's an amazing guy, I get the feeling that he may still have some sort of feelings for his ex or that he's talking to her behind my back. I've had things like this happen to me before. I don't really talk about these problems with my boyfriend, because I don't want to cause any trouble or anything but I don't know why I feel so paranoid and worried about these things. I don't want to lose him but I just want him to be happy. I care a lot about him. I really want to just feel completely secure in our relationship.. and I guess I just don't. Do you have any advice you could give me about all of this? Thanks to everyone and happy holidays.
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Some times what we feel is paranoia which is a distortion of reality based on our own issues. but sometimese our gut instincts are correct.
Why do you feel this way about her? Do you have any evidence that he was happier with her than he is now? Does he talk highly of her and never says anything negative about her? Does he talk about doing things for her which he has not done for you? Do they talk often and in a manner that makes an outsider think they are still together?
I am just saying that maybe you shouldn't be trying to dismiss your feelings. Maybe they are correct and are telling you that he indeed is not over her. You will need to do some reality testing to discern if this could be the case.
Every relationship is different. You are different from her so he will have a different relationship with you than he did with her.
A
female
reader, brunette14  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 It sounds like your past relationships haven't gone too well but you two sound really close. It natural to worry about him talking to his ex, it because you love him so much that you are scared to lose him to someone who broke his heart.You've got to fight this fear.Try talking to his ex and put yourself in her shoes, see it from different perspectives, not just yours. Talk to her about their relationship that they had and why it went so wrong. You might discover something that you can stop yourself doing so you don't turn into his one of his exes.Most relationships break apart because of trust issues or because both partners don't love each other as much as they should or they are just not ready to date again (most likely because they are still broken from their last relationship.) Maybe this is how your boyfriend feels. Its very hard to let go of someone who you loved so much and this could be how your boyfriend feels so perhaps he still talks to her to remind himself of all the happy times they had together.Alternatively, you could speak to one of his guy friends.Ask them about it, its likely they will know something and tell them how you feel. Boys often open up to each other about relationships so one of his friends could help you with that.One thing i suggest you DO NOT do. Don't sneak around his back and search his text messages or follow him around to see who is meeting up with. Once he finds out that you've done this, he will most likely to loose the trust he had in you because he will feel that you don't trust him.You don't have to talk to your boyfriend if you feel it will make the situation worse , that's perfectly fine. But keep an open mind about how he feels right now.Don't let this situation worry you too much, your vision will get clouded and you wont see things how they really are.I hope this helps you and i'm sorry if things don't work out between you guys.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): Under the impression that there is no kid(s) involved in this situation. You need to sit down and talk to your bf about this. Do not ignore or avoid the problem. This will only lead to a bigger problem. Soon, your doubts/worries will make you become unhappy. You need to face your fear and just talk to him. I had similar situation. In my situation they had a kid together and was married and she was his first crush. He loved her very much and she left him. It took him years to come to peace with it. When he did. They were able to open up the friends stats for their kid. A year into our relationship, his ex became single and he was only person who she can call for help to situate into her new place. And the man that he is. He would go help her. He would let me in on all this and ask if I was ok with it. Although, he wasn't hiding and let me in on it. It still didn't settle well with me. I had the talk with him that unless it is something over something serious, going over to do minor handy work just isn't acceptable. She is a grown woman and need to stand up on her own. He understood and have told her that her asking has to stop. Now, enough of my story. You need to ask him where he stands and have to face your fear. I understand you do not want to loose this perfect relationship and the person you love so much. Ask yourself a question. Is this really a perfect relationship with all your doubts?. If what your fearing is true. it will only hurt and pain you more within more times. You also need to understand, every each relationship there will be something special. PPl are in a relationship cuz they loved each other at one point and will have memories. Try not to compare. No need to compare. What they had together is in the past and what you have with him is the present. Important thing is make sure what they had was in the past and order to do that? you need to have the heart to heart talk with your BF. If he really loves you and is in love with you, he will understand and will do his best to comfort you from your worries. Again, don't ignore the signs. Fix it while you are still in a relationship. DONT be afraid to loose this relationship over this, if its going to happen, it will happen. Its just matter of a time. Do not take "in love" as a definite. My man was totally over the hill with me and what do you know? he fell out of love. He broke up with me just couple of days ago. Talk to him. please talk to him while you still can. I failed on such easy thing. I ignored the signs and I too was afraid to face my fear. If I had talk with him on first sign. I am sure there could have been options rather than it was too late and resulting us to break up. I truly wish best of a luck to you.
...............................
|
