A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help please!For about six years now I've been deaf in both ears due to otosclerosis - a genetic condition where the bones in the ears stop moving. The way that this works is that I'm not completely deaf, but certain tones and pitches are 'lost' to me. Without a hearing aid you would have to shout at me for me to hear you, even if standing close to me, but I can still hear sounds - although I cannot distinguish them. I have the hidden, inner hearing aids for both ears but usually only wear one as this is sufficient for hearing most things. The problem that I have is, if the hearing aid is covered over by anything, it makes a buzzing or high pitch whistling sound. I hate this. It means that if I meet a friend and they give me a hug, I buzz if they put their head next to my ear. It makes me tense whenever greeting people and it also restricts what I can do - I can't go swimming alone, for example because the aids aren't waterproof and I can't hear without them. I'm really not confident at all at the moment about many things about myself, including and especially finding a new partner. But I am trying to find a new partner and I honestly worry that this would totally put off the kind of man who would be attracted to me - men always tend to think that I'm a 'leading' female, project this fantasy onto me that I have never felt I can live up to. I cannot imagine any man finding this attractive. I just don't think there is any way that this could be considered endearing or sexy, and I just feel that most men at the start of a relationship want intimacy and sex very quickly. Or at least cuddles without tension !!! Towards the end of my last relationship I got depressed when, for example, I couldn't lean my head on my partner's chest if we were lying on the sofa watching TV together without making buzzing noises. It really gets me down. I'm otherwise told that I look wonderful for my age, much younger and usually have no problem in attracting men or male attention - although I don't have much confidence to act on that at all. But this hearing aid issue is really getting me down. I could have an operation but there is quite a high risk of permanent tinnitus. Anyone else have this problem? It doesn't help that people tend to make off the cuff jokes about deafness, much more so than blindness + it's associated with old age which, in my case, isn't really applicable. Every time I visit my audiologist I only ever see very elderly people. And the only other people I've come across who are younger and deaf tend to have been so from birth and have had counselling to help them to handle being open about it.Any ideas anyone? Please no horrid jokes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): My partner of 15 years had two hearing aids (behind ear ones) and he only had 20% hearing all together. I took note of the hearing aids when I first met him, but it did not put me off. I just noticed they were there and a bit different. After a short time, they were just a natural and normal part of our lives and I can honestly say that I never spent time thinking about his hearing issue or hearing aids. I still found him very sexy even though his hearing aids sometimes whistled. When you love someone these things don't matter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2013): Your hearing aids are just something that makes you unique. They make you...you. Anyone who can't accept that part of you doesn't deserve you.
I knew a young woman who wore hearing aids when I was in college. I'm talking about the over the ear type that are pretty much impossible to hide. She also spoke with the speech impediment of someone who was born hearing impaired. I thought she was absolutely beautiful, and would have dated her in a heartbeat had she not had a boyfriend already.
I've learned the most difficult part of having a disability sometimes is you yourself accepting it. I've had a mild form of Tourette syndrome all my life. It used to be very self-conscious about it when I was younger. I absolutely hated being "different". Years later I realized it's just a part of me. It doesn't define me. I can still be self-conscious about it from time to time, but I don't have that "my life is ruined because of this" mentality anymore.
Don't let your disability define you. It's only a small part of you when you consider who you are as a whole.
I understand the "off the cuff" jokes getting to you. The ones about Tourettes are no better and are almost always ignorant of what the disorder actually is.
Honeypie gave some a good advice about surgery if that is a route you are considering. Weigh the risks against the benefits. Would you regret not taking a risk with the surgery later in life if you knew it could have restored your hearing earlier? And like So_Very_Confused said, you can always take one or both hearing aids out for cuddling or intimacy.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (23 December 2013):
Your hearing aid will help you with men perfectly :) How you say??? All fools and losers who judge you from the outside will stay away. The real men who want to be with you will look past all that and see the real you. Bad things happen for good reasons. So smile, and enjoy your life until you hear the right man calling for you :)
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (23 December 2013):
Men are attracted to many parts of a womans body. For the overwhelming majority, inner ears are not one of them....
You should be fine....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 December 2013):
 Oh honey, I suffer from the same condition (hereditary my aunt had it too) I am 80% deaf in one ear and 60 in the other, I LOVE the peace and quiet I get, when I don't use the hearing aids.
My hearing aids are tiny ( those "triangles" behind the ears) and I rarely have anyone tell me they notice them.
BUT If I were you (since you are still so young) I would talk to your doctor about surgery. My auntie had it done and she was SO happy about it. I'm considering it too, but I SHOULD have done it years ago when my husband's medical would have paid for it.. now It would set me back quite a bit.
I didn't get pronounced otosclerosis til after my 3rd child, so it hasn't been something I had to deal with as a youth.
However, if you DO NOT have the surgery (and there is nothing wrong in that choice either) then DO NOT let hearing aids hold you back from ANYTHING.
I don't wear mine when I'm home. The kids and hubby will have to yell.. but there we go. DOESN'T bother me.
If you snuggle on the couch = take the one out that you are resting on his chest, that way you can still hear the movie/tv with the other ear.
I get deaf jokes from time to time and it doesn't bother me. I usually just answer back, sorry I can't hear you, did you try and make a funny?
Having otosclerosis is what it is. You CAN do something about it. (Surgery) but honestly, I would suggest you learn to be comfortable with the hearing aids around people. And that takes a little time. I have gotten pretty good at lipreading - and from time to time the kids and I play games of what people are saying further ways.
You know how I found out that my hearing was going? We were at a rest stop in Texas and my oldest exclaimed LOOK at all those cacti!! ( there were a bunch of really tall ones) and I heard it as LOOK at all those FAT GUYS!! - so from them on, cactus/cacti are called fat guys.
I know it's harder when you are young to accept changes, but I also know that it is MUCH easier for a young person to adapt then an old grouchy lady like me.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with you. You just have lousy hearing. Don't let that hold you back from living life.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2013):
 "please no horrid jokes" "I'm really not confident at the moment"
oh honey once you realize that this is not the end of the world (or the end of your social life) but rather just the beginning you will be fine.
A long time ago there was a stupid saying "men seldom make passes at girls that wear glasses" and now look... glasses are cool... everyone wears them...even without lenses... I hated having to wear glasses (I wore them from age 18 months) and can't wear contacts... so i had no choice... back when I was a baby it was RARE to see kids in glasses. and I always felt awkward and not cool or popular. BUT it was in my head.
Same for you... YOU think that your hearing aids make you less attractive and less accessible when in reality they do just the opposite. They make you included in the world. NOT hearing really does cut you off.
And CaringGuy is as usual quite right.. a good quality man won't care about hearing aids, in fact, he will embrace them as part of you.
Once you meet a guy you want to be that close to (and just because a guy wants sex early does not mean you do or should do what you don't want) he will know about your aids and you can take them out to be intimate if you need to be....
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 December 2013):
Honestly, a good caring man won't bat an eye lid at hearing aids. Clearly he might have some questions, but if he's a decent guy who really cares about you, he isn't going to be put off.
It's your own confidence that will hold you back. You've mentioned feeling down, and that this is getting to you a bit, and that it makes certain situations tense for you. As difficult as it may be for you, you must come to terms with, and confront your own lack of confidence in dealing with this. I think, since you did mention counselling, that you might benefit from it. Maybe speak to your GP about the possibility of being referred to a counsellor?
I promise you, that the right man won't be put off by you because you your hearing condition. But he might be put of by your lack of confidence. Try to address that, and you'll be very surprised.
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