A
female
age
41-50,
*arturallycurlyhair
writes:A little over a year ago my husband left hos job because it was too stressful and demanding and became a househusband. I own our house, so no mortgage and extra espenses, and although our lifestyle has changed a bit- meaning that we try and save every month and we don't buy fancy stuff anymore... we manage to get by okay with my income and also save a bit. So: this winter I had extensive toothwork done and spent a lot of money andI'll have to spend more in the next few months and for the first time in years I realized we can't afford to go on holiday this summer. Anyway, yesterday he announced that he bought tickets to go (on his own because I will be working) to a festival abroad and he'll be gone for a week next month. He said he'll be spending his own money (the money he earned while working- which I think we should saved for rainy days since he doesnt have an income anymore). What can I say? I started feeling a bit resentful and I feel guilty for that. Over this year of his being an househusband I have tried to be supportive, I provided for us both and accepted his decision of quitting his job- but now the idea that he has to go to a festival while I can't go on holiday (If I went with him I'd gave to pay for two and I just cannot afford that) makes me really mad. Is it fair that I work my butt off all year and can't afford the life we had when we both worked while he quit his job, I provide for him, and he gets to go on vacation abroad for a week (albeit with his own money, but still) and I don't? Am I just being a resentful bad person? Am I being childish? When I told him I didn't think it was the best decision he said "But I really want to go to that festival! And my koney is fun money so I'll go". Well, I would like to travel extensively throught the summer but I don't, I would like to buy new clothes but I don't. I would like to go to fancy restaurant but I don't. Do you see my point? Am I crazy? What am I to do? This situation as a whole is starting to make me very upset.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 July 2017):
 Do you have kids?? His becoming a "House husband" is just fine if he's actually BEING a house husband. As every wife and mother and house-husband knows, that is a job!! Taking care of the kids, cooking all of the meals, doing the housecleaning and laundry, taking the kids to appointments, dealing with their school stuff, taking care of the home management, grocery shopping, home maintenance and repairs, auto maintenance stuff, getting ready for parties and get-togethers, and kids' birthday, graduation, and other occasions. Dealing with in-laws and parental care, and that homemaker's job can be LOTS of work and it carries its own stress with it!
So, since you and I both know that this is a lot more than just his vacation, I need to ask: Is he actually BEING a house-husband, or is he just staying at home while you are still doing homemaking chores on your way home from work?
ALSO, the second issue is a bit more serious, and it involves money politics. Also, I'm surprised and astounded at the number of couples who either don't know how to manage money together, or who have drawn battle lines and have turned what can be a simple issue into divorce-fodder.
When you and he says "it's his own money from when he was working", what exactly does that mean? I'll elaborate:
My house is a two-income house, with all of the revenues from all incomes coming into Family Household Incorporated. (Just my word for The Household. I'll use FHI). There is no "his" and "mine" no matter who makes more or less money AT THIS STAGE, only the revenue sources, be it income, or dividends, etc.
Next come the fixed expenses for "FHI". We pay OURSELVES just like we would a bill, meaning that each of us get a certain amount per month, and THAT money becomes "His" or "Mine". THAT Money we can make fun decisions about with zero input from the other. If my husband wants to spend his on a fishing trip with his buddies, or a concert, or coffee or something fun for himself, like save it up and buy some cool electronic toys, I have ZERO SAY in what he does. Likewise, I have the same autonomy with my fun money.
But that distinction is ONLY for the designated money we both get every month, and it's equal. I don't get to claim more power over spending habits for the entire FHI, nor do I get to say "The money I worked for is MINE!". Same goes for my husband too. It solves the biggest money possible conflict in our marriage, as I am a crazy saver, and investing in a mutual fund or commodities speculation lights me up more than buying designer clothes or anything, and my husband is a BIG SPENDER, who loves to shop and loves free will over not answering for buying music, or coffee, or dinners out or drinks.
That way, it's not one person toiling and scrimping and working while the other spends and wines and dines. If this money your husband is wanting to take for a vacation is not saved-up Allowance money that BOTH of you get every month, then it's not HIS money, but FHI money, belonging to Family Household, Incorporated, and he doesn't get to earmark it at will simply because it came in under his old paycheck.
Imagine if he were to start playing that game. I'd look him in the eye and say "If you are playing the 'mine and yours', dear, why don't you enjoy that vacation you're going to take. And when your money runs out because you aren't working anymore, every penny coming into this household belongs to ME. You'll never take another vacation again unless I give you permission to spend MY MONEY. And, you'll wear what I think you can afford to wear, you'll eat what I say the house can eat. Say goodbye to luxuries like Spotify, phone apps, or Sports on Television, and while we're at it, you can kiss that 70' curved screen TV goodbye because I don't think we need to spend MY money on it. And while we're on THAT subject, I think that I want a nice new car, but you will be driving in a bucket of bolts, but since I bought it with MY money, Dear Husband, it's either you drive and smile, or you GET A JOB.
If he IS going on vacation with fun money, and you both get the SAME amount of fun money where he's good at saving and you're not, then if he's made provision to watch the kids (he's not expecting you to leave your job early to go get them, right??) that doesn't cost the Household money, then his saving habits have earned him a place on the festival.
You said that you'd love to have clothes (that should be an expense, not "fun money"!), or travel extensively, but do you and your husband get the same amount of "fun money"? If that's the case, then you should save your money and then do that travelling!
So it boils down to -- is he a good saver of his Fun Money while you're not?? What is the fun money for in your house, and what is the FHI supposed to pay for?
We women tend to sacrifice a lot of our own wishes to please others, which is why we may take our kid to the movies to give him a good memory, but instead of something like that coming out of your personal FUN money, that should be Household Entertainment, as a separate and variable expense, like auto fuel or groceries.
Clothing, within Reason, is a budgeted necessity. Have a clothing allowance every month, and earmark it FOR clothing! Then you can BUY those clothes and it's not FUN money. Same with toiletries, makeup, and so on. If you're getting into expensive manicures or designer stuff, then that's different, but the basics shouldn't make YOU penalized simply because your husband doesn't do his nails or wear makeup. Clothing is gender priced, and I'm not saying that to be political! So you may want to re-tool how money for clothing and beauty is classified under expenditures because in order to work, they are a NECESSITY for your career! If you were to start looking like a Brush Pilot with yellow teeth, bad skin, and dirty faded clothes and shoes, you soon won't have a job or those promotions. So that's the cost of doing business!
Anyways, I hope this helps. If he's doing the House Husband job, he needs to DO THE WORK. If you don't have kids, then WHY is he a house husband?? Life IS stressful and demanding! I get leaving a toxic job, but mature people usually handle it by getting a NEW job to leave the OLD one for!
As for your teethwork, you needed to do it. You spent the money, and your smile looks good. When you get upset that you can't go on holiday, remember that you DID get something really good for your money, AND since you still work, it's only a matter of time before you'll re-save back up the money and go on a holiday twice as nice.
But BOTH you and him should be getting the SAME amount of Fun money every month, providing BOTH of you the SAME opportunity to save or spend. I personally do the 50/50 rule with my fun money. I spend 50% on fun stuff, and save the other 50% for Big Fun stuff like a Girl's Getaway. Re-evaluate what constitutes FUN spending. It's possible that some of it (like spending for kids) should be household expense instead.
If your husband is a hard-working house-husband doing the job and taking care of the kids, let him blow off steam on the vacation if he's saved up his fun money. If that's NOT his fun money, and he's holding back his income from working (BTW, getting a 401K payment is HOUSEHOLD income, not his FUN money piggybank! The guy should sock it into a retirement account and not treating it like mad money because he thinks your house and stuff is all he needs).
One more thing -- you said your house is YOURS and paid for?? Is that an asset that pre-dates the marriage?? You said "I own our house". Usually in FHI, assets are COMMUNITY assets, as in "We own our house". In some states, assets that pre-date a marriage are exempt, but people with lawyers in divorce cases can sock the income earner with alimony, the house, and so much more.
Some of what you're feeling is the loss of the income. When he was working, you had money for the fancy stuff. A lot has to do with you resenting him for making this decision in the first place. Do you have kids? I asked that before. How were they cared for before he left his work, and does he have a plan to RETURN to the job force after so much time?
Your house husband needs to decide what his goals are, because if you have kids, they won't be kids forever. You two should sit together (or go out to coffee and discuss Family Household, Inc) and decide how long he will be a house husband. Are there mental issues he has?? I know that I am the primary earner in my FHI, but I did have a couple of down years where I had to curtail due to my health (kidney dialysis and then transplant). If he is chronically ill, that should be taken into consideration as well and might even qualify for disability if he can't return to work, no matter what your income is. Otherwise, if he's able-bodied, you need to talk to him about what his plans are, whether it's taking online courses to get a degree, or working from home, or what to do when the kids grow up, all of that.
Chin up lady! You *will* get to do the fancy stuff again! AND -- you'll get to do vacations you wouldn't dream of! This is only temporary!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel because if you don't you will allow it to eat you up inside until you end up hating him. Off course its not fair and its very selfish off him to even do this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2017): Oh my heck no! The so called vacation money should go for your teeth.Time to dump this insensitive jerk and get a real man.You are really being taken advantage of.Sounds like he is using you if he really loved you you and your teeth would have came first.What a selfish man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2017): I get the impression this husband is taking advantage of you. Do you really need or want a house-husband? If you have lots of money to spend or if there are children involved then having a house-husband could be nice. I've got to wonder what kind of house-husband he is. Is he doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.? I hope so. I agree with Aunty BimBim. You have every right to be angry regardless of how good a house-husband he might be.I don't know what state you live in, but be careful. If you support this man and get a divorce you then you could be stuck with very large alimony payments. I've heard horror stories. My sister's friend in Oregon was stuck giving up half her home to a lazy deadbeat guy who just leached off of her. She bought the house long before she married the guy -- but Oregon law said he gets half her assets. Hopefully, that has changed since, but I don't know. Anyways, the point is, unless there are children involved, maybe it's time for your husband to get a job.I'm kind of touchy on this subject because for about 13 years, my boyfriend has been paying large amounts of alimony to an ex-wife who refuses to work. He has to continue to pay her until he retires. She has no incentive to work. (Though she has worked under the table.) They did not have any children. So, maybe this is not how your husband is, but he sure seem selfish to go on a trip that you cannot go on.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 When either sex reserves their role there can be resentment, confusion, double standards, and conflicting expectations? My expectations of our roles are he man, me woman :)
I know that role reversal seldom sits well with women being the bread-winner, unless you’re an Alpha female. We are designed to be supportive, the nurturer, protected, spoilt with TLC, and adored. Men are built tough, to labour in the fields, be providers for our comfort, seek excitement and too be appreciated.
For me; my man made a lousy house-husband when our roles reversed, and I wouldn’t agree with him prancing off for a week because to me he didn’t deserve a break. Watching the idiot box, neglecting domestics, not getting dinner on the table etc.; is not holiday worthy, regardless who pays? So here I ask is your man deserving of a short break and how is his (mental) health?
Sometimes a short break although financially ill timed can do well (let’s hope) to get him out of the doldrums (4 walls), from sinking further into depression, thoughts of hopelessness as a partner, man, friend, lover. Maybe you need to cut him some slack IF he’s shown to be attentive and domestic?
I know from when life went back to normal; my man providing again, he had to be reminded of who carried him, for me to get a deserved break. Oh how they (he) can forget, but hello Princess Cruises :)
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 I must hand it to him, he can wind you around his little finger. How I would like to be a kept man, It is a wonder he does not tell you he needs to take on a mistress as his life is too stressful, I am sorry I have no time for this type of man, there is nothing wrong with a man staying home if his wife wishes to be the sole breadwinner but he is taking the biscuit and you can see it for yourself . Kick his ass to the crub.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 July 2017):
 Lets recap .....
your husband found his job too stressful so he quit and now stays home and looks after things on the domestic front.
You own the house and support your husband financially.
You needed expensive work done on your teeth so your pay isn't stretching to cover extra costs.
HE decides he wants a vacation and uses the justification he is using HIS money to pay for it.
Seems to me he views the income you earn, and your house, as shared assets but the money he has left over from when he was employed is his only.
My dear, you have every right to be feeling resentful. If you let him come back to YOUR house tell him continuing to work your butt off to support a stingy, shellfish man is too stressful and he needs to support himself because you are going to use YOUR money to do the things YOU want to do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 Tell him what you wrote here to us. You told him it wasn't a good idea. That's NOT why you are upset. You are upset because he gets to do something fun, and you can't afford to join him, because you've been using all your "fun money" on bills and food and dental care.
Tell him it makes you feel like shit that he gets to go and have fun, while you, the sole provider, can't afford to.
And, in the case that his money is "fun money", start putting aside your own "fun money". If that means you can't cover the cost of bills, when then that proves a very good point, now doesn't it?
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