A
female
 ,
*ELLULAH
writes:Hi all, Have a question for you all. I am feeling really down at the moment. Have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, and i love him to bits. But, and this is a big BUT, he still supports his ex and thier grown up children. I dont have a problem with this, apart from I have to pay for everything at home. I pay the mortgage, the bills, the food. He pays when we go out.We live in a tiny flat, which is mine. But the ex has the big house, which i feel is fair, as she has the kids. But surely, shouldnt we have some money to live on. I dont have expensive taste's, and am really happy being with him, but i have to get in debt to keep us, and its really getting me down. She does not work, while i work full time. And it looks like i will have to get another job to keep my head above water. How can i approach this without a row, he says her life should not change. She has always been spoilt, by her parents and then my partner. He says she is like a child, and cant take care of herself. She has mental problems, and has been seeing a councellor for the last 20 years. He suffers terrible guilt for leaving her, but couldnt stand it any longer. She has threatened suicide so many times, and is always booking herself into private hospitals. Which she has told my BF he can pay for. Please, what can i do? I dont want to lose him, but its upsetting me so much.Thanks for any answers x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): You love a man, who has some ugly past baggage (ex wife) in his life and he doesn't pay his way. You are resenting that. There is nothing you can do about this unless of course, you realize you made the choice to bring him in to your life and this is what you got. I believe that everyone, irregardless of all the bad stuff that comes into their life--has choices. He's doing all he can to look after his family and you don't like it so you cast blame on the troubled ex wife and his inability to break free of his obligations to her and his kids. He is simply doing what he feels is best for his kids and unfortunately, the troubled ex-wife is part of the package. This is what you signed up for when you fell in love with him.. You need to stop blaming and start doing. If you can't live this way..then send him packing. I know, that admitting to yourself that you are the cause of your own pain and discomfort here..is very upsetting. But it that knowledge that will give you the power to change how you feel about this situation and make you realize...you have the choice to eith live this way or not. If you don't like it- what's the only option left? You ask him to go. If you can't ask him to go, then you accept all that he is and realize life is tough...and until his ex wife and kids no longer need his support--you will have to buck up, be brave and take it all...as is.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): You need to go back and renegotiate your relationship with this man. If he's going to be your partner, he must actively contribute to your relationship. This includes financially. If his children are grown up, why is he still supporting them? And unless his wife is medically unable to work, she should be able to gain some degree of financial independance.
I'm sure he feels guilty for leaving her, but at the moment that's all he's feeling. You're shouldering the rest. He's grown used to this, so of course he's not going to want to change things. You're not happy, so you need to sit down and renegotiate the terms of your relationship with him. If he refuses to do this, then i'm afraid he's not as committed to you as you would hope. But in any case, you need to know before you get yourself into further debt.
Good luck!
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