A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About two years ago I met a couple in one of my classes. I got close to the woman because she just seemed on my wavelength and she actually tried talking to me more than the guy did. I stayed friendly with her, never having more than friendly banter and the occasional hug; even though, for me, it's really always been more. Plus, they seemed like a genuinely good couple for each other and I didn't want to get in the way of her happiness. Fast forward to just over four weeks ago: she and I ended up in a summer class together and now we spend lots of time in the library.She's not as cheery these days as she used to be and I've asked her what the matter was and she said she's just not happy with her boyfriend anymore. I guess he's not the happiest either and I've asked why not and she said it's always money and she doesn't think he's even programmed to feel any sense of happiness. I guess it's been like this since they first got together; if he IS happy, he sucks at showing it. It's been dragging her down.Needless to say, we've gotten closer due to these conversations (I talk about my past girlfriends and what I'd like in a woman). We also talk about just each other, our likes and dislikes, and world events. It's refreshing to have an intelligent conversation with a woman who doesn't talk about movies and pop music all the time. But I do realize she still has a boyfriend; a guy she actually lives with now. And I won't make a move until she's single and out on her own, but I have no idea when that will be.I'm 27, an Air Force vet, I know what I want in life, I've done my time in the dating world, and I'm ready to settle down; she's 23, done with her partying days, and even though she knows what she's going to school for, she's still technically trying to figure herself out.I'm willing to wait, though. She's told me on several occasions that she wishes she was single, so we could be together; I swear, nothing would make me happier. I can honestly see this woman being my wife and mother of my children someday (and yes, we have very similiar ideas about all that). And according to her, they haven't had sex in three months and she currently sleeps on the couch. She's just waiting to get her feet back on the ground considering she's currently unemployed (being job-less during the summer in the US is no fun at all) and then she's going to have 'the talk' with him.In the end, I guess this post is really about how I can "date" her without dating her right now? She really is the most incredible woman I've ever met; we have far too much in common for me to overlook this. It has to be fate! But I'm also not the kind of guy to 'steal' a woman away from another dude, especially if they're living together and all that. Also, should I help her find a job since that's the biggest factor in why she's still with him? I don't want to seem too eager... we've had a great thing going so far without me screwing it up like that. Thanks.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 June 2013):
 Hi OP. I haven't been and for a while and didn't realise you'd responded.
Your situation is far more common than you might realise. The bottom line is your lady friend has a boyfriend, she isn't leaving him any time soon, regardless of what she says, and as long as you're waiting in the winds, then you are in fact stealing. You might not have robbed the bank, but you're waiting outside to enjoy the spoils...
You can't date her without dating her and your friendship isn't innocent because you both have an agenda.
However you choose to proceed is up to you but I recommend you adjust your expectations. She has no incentive to leave him if you're prepared to wait around.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): To Ciar: I am the OP.God, I feel like crap for not mentioning it but she is very persistent in her job search. I've even watched her fill out numerous applications and do follow up calls. She is, actually, a very motivated person; she just had some bad luck with her last job. As for the 'in school' thing, she's half way to her Education degree now and very close to getting a tutoring job at our university. I haven't asked her if she wanted to move in with me, yet, because it just seems to soon. Plus, she's told me she feels guilty for having lost her job a couple months ago because she can't do anything for herself, like pay basic bills as our state's unemployment keeps rejecting her.And she doesn't party because she doesn't like the scene anymore. She's admitted she's screwed up too much in the last few years and has finally gotten her shit together; she just needs a new job now.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (13 June 2013):
Red flags all over this.
OP, this may be a unique experience for you, but this situation is so common it is cliche. I daresay you do have many similarities, but you also have some glaring differences which will become a problem when the excitement wears off.
For starters, you are single and she is not. You're not stringing anyone along to keep a roof over your head while you pursue an exciting new possibility. She is.
You had a career, in the military no less, while she is unemployed. You reap what you sow and since she's unemployed and in school, she reaps what others sow.
It's been my observation that when people refer to themselves or another adult as being 'in school' they usually mean for something undefined and unmarketable. If she were earning a degree in something useful you'd have said as much. This suggests to me that she is piddling about on someone else's dime. And I think you're going to find that very unattractive down the road, especially if you wind up becoming that 'someone'.
OP, her partying days may indeed be behind her, but given her age and the fact that she is still trying to figure out who she is I have my doubts. My guess is she isn't partying now because she can't afford to and she hasn't had anyone to party with. Time will tell.
OP, I think she is as attracted to you as you are to her, but she does not sound self disciplined or motivated to me. I strongly suspect you will be kept waiting for a very long time. Everything is exciting and wonderful now because it is forbidden, which means that whatever time you have together is precious and isn't burdened by mundane necessities.
My advice is not to proceed any further. She has done nothing to demonstrate that her relationship is over besides talk, and talk is cheap.
Wait until she IS on her own feet, and IS single and HAS been for a while before pursuing anything. See how much she wants to be with you then.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 June 2013):
Stop listening what she says and start watching what she does. If she wants to be with you, she will end the other relationship.
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