A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a situation I would like to hear the opinions of others on and I appreciate any advice in advance.My ex and I have been separated for seven years now, you would think after all this time we would be settled in a schedule with our daughter having contact with him, but things are far from simple.He is in a relationship and has a child, I have had no problem in accepting this at all as our relationship has been over for so long, I have also been in another relationship in which I had another child so I stress that there were no ill feelings or jealously on my part In his moving on.My ex has expressed his wishes to keep my daughter for weekends at his house, with his partner and his child, this I have no problem with and have even said I respected the fact he wanted to include our daughter in his life, I think that's great. The only problem is, he doesn't want to give me the address of where he is taking her.I am extremely uncomfortable with that, and feel it is irresponsible to send my child somewhere overnight and I do not know where she is..I need to know where my daughter is at all times. I will add to the fact that she also has special needs.I must explain his reasoning though, as there are two sides to every story.In the past, I'm talking about seven years or more ago, I damaged my exes cars.I am not one of those crazy chicks who does stuff without a cause though. Let me give you an exampleOne night my ex said he would be taking our daughter to stay with him at his mums house, they left and about two hours later I received a call from his phone in which I heard him having sex with a female in the background, I ran over to his mums to check if he was just messing around with me, but he wasn't there, and he had just left our daughter with his mum, I was full of rage and graffitied all over his Audi.One of the many reasons we are no longer together.So, because of this, he claims he has trust issues with giving me his address.His partner has also lied on me claiming I egged her car, this is not true, one morning I left his house from dropping off our daughter, I saw a girl getting out of a car but I did not know who she was or see her go into his house. A few days later my ex accused me of egging her car. She is lying, she has lied because he has told her things I have done to his cars in the past and she thinks he will believe her.This girl does not know me, I've never done anything to her but the only two reasons I can think of her doing this is because 1. She is friends with a girl who is my enemy 2. My ex has filled her head with negative things about meUltimately, It doesn't matter what she says or thinks about me, but it does when it adds to the reasons of my ex not wanting to provide me with an address of where he will be taking our child.Until I know where my ex intends to keep our daughter over the weekends I will not be allowing her to stay with him over night.My ex claims I am making my daughter lose out and is adamant he won't give me his address.Does anybody have any suggestions on how we can make this work?I don't want to come across as a b*tch stopping a father from having his daughter on the weekends, I love the fact my daughter has her father in her life. Am I the bad guy here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): I think you're being irrational, your child and his child, understand that.The child is with her grandmother and you decide to go and vandalize his vehicle.You could have been deemed an unfit out of control parent with supervised visits, consider that, because that could've been the result, obviously somebody spared you, nobody wants trouble at their home or anywhere else as you've already admitted you will cause trouble and you are jealous, just identifying the type of vehicle -(Audi) speaks to that.what does your companion think that you have another child with think of your actions, you can't control your kids father, you don’t have control of yourself, let him see his child as much as he like When you collect yourself, maybe he'll be glad to tell you where he lives or his family would tell you, it seems you’re telling a one sided story and looking for someone to cosign with you, no rational person will, why would you want to set your child’s father back is a good question.Why not be about where you live and not worry about where he lives and co parent and act like you know why he doesn’t want you to know,its like slapping someone and telling them u better act like I didn’t do it.Wake up, calm down and be fair and maybe he will compromise with you a little farther being that you are a vandal that should’ve been prosecuted and put at risk of losing parental rights, think about it and be grateful your daughter has a father that wants to be in her life drama free,"its not fair"....unbelievable and you’re a rampaging vandal, u better take a good look at your situation
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 December 2014):
 oh your follow up says "it's not fair that she knows where i live"
you are still competing with her in your mind. this is not ABOUT HER at all.
I would think that knowing where your minor child is staying is covered under some statute.
Your ex had good reason to not trust you with his information since you did over-react and mis-behave when you attacked his car. THAT was immature and wrong of you and gives him good reasons to show why he does not want you to know where he lives.
I would contact a family law attorney to find out what the legalities are and if you two need to have something formal written up.
When adults can't behave as adults that's when the law needs to step in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2014): &Jennipeg
Yes, he does drop her off to my house and has his girlfriend in the car.
It's unfair she knows where I live as her child does not come to my home, but I do believe I should know where they live if my daughter is to go there.
Thank you for your response.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2014): He is the child's father, and I doubt he would purposely put his own daughter in peril. You say you've been "separated" for seven years. Not broken-up or divorced?
There's a clue in there somewhere!
You wrote graffiti on his car??? That was about you, not your child.
Is that how a 30-35 year-old mother should behave?
If he doesn't give you an address, it's because he's afraid you'll hunt him down and vandalize his car! His, or the vehicle of some woman he's dating. Just because you're jealous! That is what all this is about!
You're creating false concern about the child's whereabouts; when the truth is, you want to be able to track HIM down. You want him to feel uneasy about being out with other women, wondering when you'll jump out of the hedges; or go berserk on someone's car. You want to know who he's dating lately, and where they live. So you can do something unlawful and ridiculous!
You say word is even getting around about you. It's fair warning, not spreading evil gossip.
If you've vandalized his car, it is likely you did egg the woman's car as she suspects. Who else has any motive? It's not hard to deduce. If she's wise enough to check with neighbors, maybe someone may have seen something.
You're still dealing with rage and resentment seven years later? Perhaps you might want to seek therapy to help you to move on. Anger-management might be helpful as well.
If you don't behave yourself, child protection authorities might come after you! Not your ex! You're lucky no one filed charges. You'll be in deep do-do, if someone catches you on video!
You don't notify him of every move you make, and check-in hourly when the child is with you. You're being mean and unreasonable. It has nothing to do with the child, you're using the baby as a pawn. You're not the bad guy, but you're not acting your age.
You're a hurt and resentful woman. You need help to get-over your baby-daddy, and end your baby-mama drama!
If you felt your child was in any danger, you would have challenged him legally. If you go that route, you had better have all your ducks in a row. Your behavior will not go well in your favor!!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 December 2014):
 I think it's within your legal rights to know where the father lives. When you fill out forms for your daughter's school there is a parent section and the school needs to know the father's information. You could have made compensations for his car and paid for graffiti removal.
I am assuming he always comes to your place to pick her up and you never have to drop her off. If his mom would not tell you where he lives, then maybe you can do phone reversal look up. The best thing to do is to arrange child custody if you had not done so. Of course he has rights to be a father on the weekends but first he has to let you and the court know where he lives.
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