A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i'm unsure what to and could please use some help. my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 months although not the first time we've been together. we were together but not a couple in the past a few years back but then he got back together with his ex. we have been friends for awhile-known each other since childhood. he is a great guy but the thing is he plays games all the time. i know he cares about me and loves me but sometimes i have doubts. we both end up on the internet and cell when we spend time together which is hard lately as i work and go to school. he doesn't work and i told him that he needs to get his license and job-problem is that he needs motivation to do things and i'm not sure how to get him motivated. he also sometimes jokes about serious issues like not wanting to get old. i don't want to have our relationship end-he is the first guy i ever dated and the first one i ever loved. i got married after he went back to his ex but then i got divorced and we got back together. he makes me happy and treats me okay don't get me wrong. he used to send good morning texts and send random texts sometimes and would ask what i was doing. sometimes i feel like he cares more about the game than me which i know isn't true. i sometimes have dinner with him and his parents and he has dinner with me and my mom sometimes. there are times when i will send a text but won't get a response back and won't hear from him because he plays game. how can i get him more interested in our relationship? i know it bothers him when i vent about work but honestly lately i have stress and its not like i can vent to my coworkers. neither one of us have our own place and i share a car with my mom at the moment which doesn't help either. i honestly can see a future with him but i don't know if he does too. i don't know how to bring up things to him. he still occassionally brings up his exes name which i can't stand but i know shes not an issue.the other day he says we don't always have to have sex which i realize but its usually when he wants to have it that we do and i wanted it the other day and he says that. i'm not sure how to make things better and improve our relationship. i wish i could get him to talk to me more and that he would say that i'm beautiful and surprise me once in awhile. he always lets me decided what to do when we spend time together. i appreciate him letting me decide things but i wish he would surprise me once in awhile.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2013):
 OP,
I’ll take a shot at it…
He doesn’t work and he plays games all the time and I assume is is also 22-25. The time has come to put away his childish games. (At least somewhat) I agree. My husband is an avid gamer…online and board games. We met playing board games. I get men that love to game. BUT part of being a MAN is knowing when it’s time to STOP THE GAMES.
You say I know he cares about me and loves me but sometimes I have my doubts. So which is it? YOU KNOW he loves you or you WONDER if he does and HOPE he does because you love him?
He does not work. He does not have a license. (Which in all but the most urban of areas is a problem in the USA I know).
He needs motivation and you want to know how to motivate him. I have some really bad news for you honey. YOU CAN’T. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MOTIVATE HIM. MOTIVATION is internal. HE HAS to want it. IF he does not want it then NOTHING you do could make him want it. Now he may change what he WANTS if his circumstances change so let’s delve further.
You do not wish the relationship to end. Well sadly it may have to. That may be what motivates him. Just because he is your first does not mean he’s your only or your last. I know it sucks to hear this but it’s the truth. Staying with someone because they are your first is not a good reason to stay.
He makes you happy and treats you “OK” your words. IS being treated OK enough? Do you not want to be treated WELL? Do you not want to say “he loves and cherishes me?”
He USED to send “good morning texts” and random texts sometimes. I assume this means he no longer is sending you texts to keep you on a string since he knows he has you. Therefore good morning texts are effort no longer needed.
You ask how can you get him more interested in your relationship and sadly you can’t. YOU can’t make him think or want anything. YOU do not have the kind of control over him or anyone.
The reason he is bothered about you venting about work may be that he can’t fix the problems and it frustrates him to hear them. MOST men are fixers. They think we as women tell them our problems so they will fix them. THEY do not get that we like to VENT and don’t necessarily need them to fix it just to listen.
You say you can see a future with him? Really? What is this future you see with him? Is it you working and busting your chops and coming home to him unbathed, unshaven, not working and no dinner on the table because he slept till noon and then got up and stumbled back to the game?
IF he does not talk to you enough now, if he rebukes your sexual advances now, if he never says you are beautiful now, do you think as the relationship progresses these niceties which are often apparent in the beginning will change? They won’t. What you see is what you get.
HE always LETS you decide what to do? DOES HE ASK you to do things or does he just go along for the ride with you when you say “let’s do this”. How often is he contacting you first? How often is he asking you to do things? Is it always YOU making the plans?
Now on to your follow up:
I am not judging you and I won’t advise you to leave him as that would be pointless. I get that. I stay with a man I should leave and choose not to. I get hopes, dreams, plans, inertia and all the other good things that keep bad relationships going. I would just hope at your age, you find yourself too young to settle.
I get that you love him and I respect that. I love my idiot husband and I don’t know why. I HATE that I love him because it means I won’t leave a bad crazy making relationship.
He says he loves you… does he show you (NOT SEX) HOW does he show you he loves you? HOW do you know OTHER THAN his words that he loves you? That’s very important OP. TALK is cheap. ACTIONS do speak louder than words.
You wish to know how to motivate him… sadly there is not much YOU can do to motivate him. You may grow and mature and feel differently later on so be very slow and cautious about making decisions such as marriage or moving in together.
If he was motivated in his past with his ex, then something about the relationship motivated him. Now there is nothing he needs or wants that he feels motivated to achieve.
You want to get him interested and further the relationship and yet won’t you always wonder if he is there because it’s easy or because he loves you? IF he says you have to tell him what you want and ask for things you want then just do it. For me I find email with my husband works best. I normally send him an email each morning with the day as the title and go over our daily notes… when we need to talk I ask to make time to talk about things. Sometimes it happens, often it does not.
If when you are with him all the time he is gaming or talking to his friends and not talking to you…when do you two go out and spend time together just the two of you? Or is it always you going to him to watch him game and talk to friends?
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (2 May 2013):
Reality = he is at a stage in his life where his behaviour is perfectly normal. If I had to describe a typical male in that age range, he would not disappoint. He is not mentally ready to commit or submit to life's boring endeavours which includes a job, chores, marriage and such....which is all as I said normal.
The most you can actually do is try to encourage him to be involved with your life and nudge him on how to support you more. He obviously has a lot more to learn about relationships as so do you. But either way, you will just have to hope he eventually grows out of it, most guys usually do. My point being, there is no quick fix solution.
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A
female
reader, marataylor +, writes (2 May 2013):
its a stage that boys go through because my brother has the same problem he might grow out of it or he might not
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2013): When asking for for advice, you should keep an open mind. You seek answers and store them. Then you will have something to draw on when you've exhausted all other options.
Otherwise, what is the point of seeking advice?
Don't leave him. However; there is no such thing as magic, and you have to read your own words and draw your own conclusions from what you've written. We would do you a great disservice by telling you what you want to hear.
We either learn by using logic; or we learn from our mistakes. The important thing is to learn.
Just be able to live with the decisions you make.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): you need to set aside a day where you both spend time and don't have any technology.go away for a weekend if you need to and if you can afford it. you need to talk to him about how you feel and not when hes talking to his buddies-thats not going to accomplish anything. obviously he loves you or you wouldn't be back together and he wouldn't have said he loves you if he didn't.don't make him think you're trying to change him-thats not what you're wanting to do. make him realize that you're doing it for both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm not looking for anyone to judge or to advise me to leave him-i don't want to leave him. i'm not going to explain what i see in him-i love him and thats the main thing. as for thinking of me as a sister-i think its highly unlikely as we do have sex and he has said he loves me-he told me first on valentines day. he weren't childhood sweethearts-both were out of high school the first time we got together. he has been engaged and has a kid but was given up for adoption.i just want to know how to motivate him-he was when he was with the ex but thats the past.i want to know how i can get him interested and how to further the relationship and improve it and how to talk to him. he says i just have to tell him what i want and ask for things i want and to be honest but i don't know how to or how to when he's on talking to friends during game when we are together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): This young man has no motivation and prefers to spend all his time on video games. Exactly what advice are you expecting to remedy your situation? He is a victim of arrested development. He is still in his childhood; and fighting adulthood and responsibility with all his might. You have been married, divorced, working, and now attending school. Look how far ahead of him you are. Exactly what do you see in this guy? The question no doubt everyone around you is probably asking.He is physically a mature male, but has an adolescent mentality. He possesses no will to give up his virtual world of gaming and fantasy.He refuses to assume an adult role in your relationship; and you are holding on in frustration with the hope you can "change" him somehow. Maybe you wish he will magically transform into a responsible and mature individual. He sees you more as his big sister than a girlfriend. He doesn't even really desire sex with you that often. Go back an read your post and you'll make your own conclusion if he is really interested in you.Sorry, but you have no responsibility to change other people to suit your needs. You can only support and inspire those who are "self-motivated." They have their own goals and desires set; and a spark of energy and self-confidence to push them there. You are not his mother. She apparently has not succeeded at helping him to cross the threshold of adulthood. I wonder how his parents feel about his complete financial dependence and laziness? Do they encourage it? Is he spoiled, or an only child?You love and cherish him for all the years you've known him, and you want the best for and from him. He was probably your childhood crush that never grew up. Now you want him to "man-up," get out of his parents house, get a job, and become marriage material. Unless you can design a video game with that theme, and he's willing to play; it isn't going to happen.So you have to motivate "yourself" to find someone who is already mature, and on a path to reaching his goals in life. If he is the type of guy that you say he is, how can you see a future with him? Are you living in a fairytale world as well?He will always be your childhood sweetheart. He will never make you a good husband, or help support a family. As for the future, you will only see him get older; but he will remain a man-child. He will always need his parents.My heart goes out to you. The only advice I can give is to find someone with more maturity and ambition. Someone willing to give you love of his own free will, and grownup enough to maintain a loving and fulfilling relationship. Someone who can view the world through the eyes of manhood, and actively participate among those of us living in the world of reality.You're a smart young lady, and you deserve a good life. Now you have to convince yourself. Right now, you are just a still-life avatar in one of his video games. Standing in the background, waiting to be activated.
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