A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Me and my boyfriend of two and a half years broke up about 5/6 weeks ago now. WeWeren't making each other happy and the break up was fairly mutual, he had suggest breaking up two weeks previous to this.Before breaking up I met another guy, he made me laugh, he made me happy and we continued to talk and see each other for a couple of days the week before we broke up. Once I broke up with my ex we immediately started dating and are now in a relationship, he is great! He's much more laid back and makes me feel comfortable, happy and special. Except he is not my ex...I really like this new man and he really makes me happy but I can't stop worrying about my ex as he is so naive and vulnerable , wanting to see and contact my him too. I think I miss him and as great as my new man is he will never be him, yet he made me so cross and unhappy! I don't know what to do, I'm so happy with the new but am pining for the old, have I made the right decision? Is it going to be the same as it was before if I go back to him? My new man is so good for me, everybody says that, and I feel a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I just have the constant want and niggle in my head, maybe my ex was the one? He's a mess yet my new relationship isn't being affected, the new boyfriend doesn't wanting me contacting him but I can't help myself, nor can I help but ask inappropriate questions. Help please, this is so hard! I don't know what I want or feel. I've never been like this, nor have I every gone from one relationship straight into another. I just don't know what to do...
View related questions:
broke up, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (29 September 2015):
 Hi,
i have read your msg very carefully and from all you've said, it appears that you and your ex aren't truthfully an ideal match.
I would not encourage you to go back to him at all, although some people decide to remain as friends, but this will only work if you both commit to only being friends and keeping it strictly 'platonic'.
Look at it this way, if the two of you were so good together and if there'd been no serious issues whatsoever, then it's very obvious, that you would still be together now.
There would simply be, no need to break up.
Most people don't contemplate breaking up when everything is going well, so the mere fact, that you and your ex broke up, says it all.
Even if you got back together, things would eventually turn sour again, because the deep source of all the problems within your relationship, have yet to be fully adressed.
You weren't fully happy within that relationship and the fact that he made you mad and angry at times, should be your awakening, to both of you moving on and setting each other free for good.
When you set each other free, you can both pursue a new future, whereby things are better for you both and all the unecessary stress and pain is gone.
You only get one shot at life, so make the very most of it and don't settle for second best, when you can both have first best.
Don't be afraid of 'change', or of 'letting go'.
When you do, your life will turn around for the better, because you will have given yourself time to think and grow, from past negative experiences.
The other big issue here is (and i do say this with the utmost respect and i certainly don't judge you, nor anybody) that you've moved on, way too soon, with this new guy.
You may say you like him, you both get on, it's much better, you feel more comfortable, etc;, but the fact is, when we move into a new relationship immediately, without having found complete closure from our previous relationship, we ar bound to set ourselves up for another failed relationship. We must take a break, for our own good, if not for the new prospective partner in our lives.
We don't wnat to go straight into a new union with 'BAGGAGE' from our past.
This 'BAGGAGE', may re-surface into our new relationship, if we see or experience something that is similar to what we went through prior and often we don't even realise it.
It's moreso, on a sub-conscious level.
It is then easier, to compare our new partner and/or our new relationship, to our ex/previous union, because of these new and similar experiences.
This is one of the reasons, that so many relationships fail and why we sometimes find ourselves comparing, or referring to our past relationships.
It is an actual pattern and we can continue to do the same thing, time and time again, if we don't put an immediate stop to it.
I know you've not done it prior, but there is always a first time.
You may find this hard to accept and even to believe, but it is a fact.
This is why you often hear both men and women say, before they get involved again, i had a break, i needed time to gather my thoughts, find my closure and get in touch with 'me' again.
Basically, they took 'time out'.
Only when you've done this, can you ever really find true meaning and true happiness again.
When you have been in a long term and exclusive relationship for more than a few years and you both decide to part ways, it is more of a 'rebound' thing, to yearn to be in the arms of another person so, so soon.
You've not fully grieved your breakup and you've not really found yourself again.
You are in essence, 'seeking' things with your new partner, that you 'didn't' find with your ex partner.
Always remember, regardless of the current perfections within this new relationship, you and your new partner, have flaws, just like everybody else and eventually many will surface, especially if/when things, don't go the way you had hoped, nor intended.
I am not judging you at all and i do hope that you can comprehend where i am coming from here.
I am older than you, i have had much experience with relationships and most of my knowledge and experience has come with age and maturity of mind.
Ultimately, it's up to you what you choose to do with your life and your relationship/s, but if you don't take a break between a long term union, then move straight into thr next, you will find that initially, however intense, very wonderful, fun, easy going this union is, things will begin to surface with time and 'change' is inevitable.
All the things that you are seeking, things that perhaps excite you, within this new relationship will remain, but most likely change, as it progresses, evolves and moves forward.
If you both want it to progress and you allow it to, you'll find a whole new set of new issues and problems, because you didn't get to know this new guy well enough, before jumping into this new relationship, plus you didn't find your previous closure, you didn't really get in touch with your inner self, to make concrete decisions about what you want and don't want, what you will tolerate and won't tolerate, etc;.
Also, as we all know, we are all looking through the rose coloured glasses in the beginning, but they won't be on forever, so then we begin to see new flaws and the realities of daily life and being in a relationship start to creep in and it's this time of the relationship that will be the greatest test of it's survival and longevity, not looking through the rose glasses beginning.
Your relationship will eventually move into a new role of 'normalacy' and this is the real survival test.
I would strongly encourage you, regardless of how much you wish to be with this new guy and with your ex at times too, to remains single for a few months and it's only when you're 'ALONE', that you will actually be able to make sensible and concrete decisions about what you 'TRULY' want and 'WHERE' you really ought to be.
Whilst you are with a man, it will be virtually impossible to make any sensible decision/s, because you've no space, nor time to.
Try it if you can and i can almost guarantee that you will be able to think with much more clarity and to decide exactly where you want to be in your life.
This is actually not about these two men in your life at present, it's more about 'YOU FINDING YOURSELF AGAIN'.
Don't over-complicate your life and try not to over-analyse everything and just relax into yourself and get to know yourself better.
You could even try chatting with a counsellor about your confusion, surrounding these two men in your life.
Visit your GP, have a brief chat with he/she and ask for a referral, if you feel the urge to discuss this further.
All the best and please let me know how you get on. :-)
|
