A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm just looking for a bit of outside advice really.I am jealous of things that my boyfriend is doing, I cannot stop, some weeks are fine, others are not. I don't know if I should end it because I am jealous and I hate feeling like this. My boyfriend of a year and a half is in a band, he travels across the world, he met a girl in Berlin, added her to facebook, talked about marrying her (jokingly) so she could get a visa and has admitted to flirting with her and finding her attractive, he says he didnt think this was a problem because they both had partners but did admit to deleting the online conversations they had been having. I found out about this because my boyfriend was mentioning this girl a lot during conversation. I felt like something was going on, So I asked, he said "have you been looking at my phone?" which obviously made me feel like I was right...he says nothing happened between them, only that he found her attractive and had flirted and deleted the messages because if I had read them I "probably would have been upset".I asked him what they spoke about but he says he doesnt rememeber at all. Recently I asked him a question which came from a film we were watching (American Beauty) I asked him if he missed the single life; being free and sleeping with other women. He said yes, he told me that when we argue he does wish he was single and he does wish that he was free (I didn't understand how he could want to be free when he does what he wants when he wants, I don't question or demand his time at all, I take a back-seat in his life which lead me to believe that the only thing he could miss is sleeping with other women) I said this, he didnt really have an answer, but eventually he said "of course I dont" He is 24 I am 28. Since his flirting with this woman whom he still talks to I have felt insecure, since him saying he misses being single on occasion I feel insecure. I dont know if this is going to get better or if I should end things, end my jealousy and let him get on with what he wants to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. You have given me many things to think about, I truly appreciate it.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2015):
 You are not happy with being back seat. You just tolerated it because you know he's a traveller and his career is important. Your arguments are probably a result from frustrations of not having your needs met. When he says he misses sleeping with other women, it doesn't imply he wants to be single. It's just that he is in a relationship and he can't cheat. He still feels you are important in his life because you are his welcoming arms when he comes home, and you can be his inspiration to his music. At the same time he feels his relationship is holding him back from going further than flirting.
It's not that single musicians would sleep with whomever they want in a different city. It's just that an attached guy would find it more tempting, because it's something he can't have, a sweet taboo.
Some men aren't clear what they are feeling or thinking. They are not as eloquent and expressive as women. Don't do the analyzing for them. They would either tell you something you want to hear or make it your problem when you feel upset. You can only tell him that when he flirts with other women, you get jealous and insecure, and it doesn't make you feel you are his priority.
When he comes home, he should unwind and focus spending time with you. When he talks about other women, tell him it makes you feel that he never missed you, and is not present with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2015): It's natural within a committed-relationship to miss the freedom to do as you please; but the purpose of making a commitment is to establish trust, by promising to give-up all others for the one you truly care about. Then actually doing it. It's supposed to be a mutual agreement. A contract promising to avoid any sexual-contact with other people.
Your boyfriend was quite candid with his responses to your questions about how he feels about missing being with other women; but I think he tried to flip the script when he asked if you were looking through his phone. Only when it came down to a particular female you found out about. He wanted to be sure you didn't catch him in a lie. He's a traveling musician. That exposes him to a lot of women along the way. That would be hard on anyone. Even couples in the same industry breakup because of it.
There is going to be a certain amount of jealousy in any relationship; because you want your mate to be exclusive and monogamous. You just have to keep it in check, and behave like an adult about it. You also have to choose people in a profession you can deal with. Jealous people ought not hookup with performers!!!
When your mate is "flirting" with other people, that is in violation of your commitment, and it is disrespectful. Usually flirting precedes, or leads to cheating.
The flirtation process is what we all do to feel-out how eager the other person is to get it on. She may be aware he has a girlfriend; and just may not want to get played by a musician for her own reasons. Doesn't mean she will not be flattered by his attention; and might go along with the flirtation. Musicians are notorious for playing groupies like they play their instruments. I think your instincts are on target, but your reasoning is just a tad off-center.
Jealousy comes from insecurity, and can easily get out of control. I just see a bad mix from the very start, just based on what he does.
Use common-sense to determine what moves you make to protect your feelings. Don't allow jealousy to be the primary reason behind any decisions or choices you make about the fate of a relationship. Jealousy may only come from possessiveness or paranoia. Nobody likes their boyfriends flirting, myself included. A passing flirt is natural; exchanging numbers to contact other women is going a step beyond flirting. He has ulterior motives.
I know you can't exactly convey his actual mood or attitude when responding to your inquiry and cross-examination about his behavior on how he feels about not being free to sleep with other women. He know something was up. However; I get the impression his tone was somewhat cocky, or flippant. If not nonchalant. As if he wasn't too concerned about your feelings. That would justify your concerns. Even worse, would be to act as though you're crazy, when you have incriminating evidence. That's not only flippant, but an insult to your intelligence.
If you have a reputation for being constantly paranoid; he'll write your feelings off for just that, and might play them against you. Under those circumstances, ending it would be best for you in order to maintain your sanity.
His flirting with women when he has a girlfriend is about as fair as you flirting with other men while he's on the road. Would he like that, or wouldn't he care?
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (23 November 2015):
This is a very painful situation for you to find yourself in.I can fully understand how you are feeling insecure and hurt.Its very unfair of your boyfriend to treat you like this and certainly the girl on facebook and his connection with her was unkind of him.Would you consider having an indept chat with him-tell him how you feel.Ask him if he wants to play the field with other girls OR a serious relationship with you.At this point you must be firm for yourself-because you will have to make a decision re his reply to you.Remember you must think of yur own peace of mind.Best luck NORA B.
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