A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help. What do you think is the best solution for two people who can't let go of one another, yet what drove them apart in the first place is a fundamental issue of principle. Neither one of us has been able to move along with our lives for almost 3 years now and (well, I can only speak for myself) I have genuinely tried very very hard(I dated other people, I avoided being to places where he might be etc). The emotions are still really really strong today for both sides as they had been 3 years ago (mostly obvious with him in various ways, I am doing my best not to show I am affected), but what caused the rift was far too fundamental to overlook and it is not like he is apologizing either (apologizing is not as much the issue. Trust is). The best he did was getting drunk over Christmas, breaking down in tears and, while hugging me tight (which took me by surprise as we are civil to one another but I am not really friendly to him) saying how greatful he is I even say hello to him instead of scorning him as he deserves. I wish I didn't have feelings for him. I would give anything not to. But I do. And it is pure torture. And avoiding him is not really realistic either. Sorry that my post is so vague. i could write a book about it but I guess that is my main issue. So, my question is, is it normal for such feelings to be so persistent for years? What practical ways are there to get myself out of this agony? (as I said, avoiding him is not really going to work as that would mean giving up most of my friends and places that I love. Besides, I tried it and it didn't work) Thanks in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Thanks oldbag. This is exactly what the situation was. The friendship between the two men didn't survive either. Of course I can not know what he feels. Only what I see. Generally speaking it kind of is common knowledge in our circle that he is not over me by a long shot. (I am clearly not over him either, I just happen to hide it better than he does.) but whether that is in fact true, he is the only one who knows and he is not really talking about his emotions (at least not to me. he does so with other people). The thing is my friends find his behavior very creepy because it has been so long and so I can't confess to them that I have been thinking a lot about him too. I just wish I had some control over my feelings. Thank you very much for answering all of you.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (23 January 2013):
 Hi
He initially persued you when you were dating his best-friend, that alone should have given you a clue he was no saint.
You say there was no cheating on your part, back then at the start, so this guy you love couldn't have cheated either.He did the worst thing on his best mate though,chased his g/f, which shows he has few morals.
Talk to him like an adult,face to face, alone, he is what he is, you KNOW that.Find out if he wants to be together with you, he might not. If he does, then you either work it out - or walk away cos you cannot forgive him.
If you share friends etc then you will have to accept you will always see him around - or change your life till your over him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): Hi and thank you. I am the OP. I know I didn't give much detail about it. I'll try to clarify a bit. The story goes on for many years. I used to date his then best friend when he started pursuing me (later he kept repeating he could not help it). It all got very messy for a while. There was no cheating involved at least on my part and we only got together long after my other relationship was over and after a lot of hesitation. He finally won me over completely. We wanted to marry and have a child. I thought he was the best thing that happened to me. Then I found out stuff he had been up to behind my back and behind his friend's back and to make a long story short, the only reason we got together was because of lies and deception.During our time together he was still lying to my face about various things. He eventually confessed to it all and we broke up quite dramatically. Then it all turned nasty. We couldn't even be in the same room. Now, 2 years later, we are at a point where I am civil to him but he still exhibits very strange behavior, but only when he is drunk (which is not that often) does he get the guts to say anything actually meaningful to me. Long story short, I can not avoid him completely. I still love him (I really don't want to) but I don't trust him at all and trust is important to me
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (23 January 2013):
 Information very vague, but I can identify with loving someone that was not good for you and there was always that pull, we could never let go one another, everytime we broke up, we would get together, this went on for years. I have seen a phsychologist as I did not want to go on like this and learnt ways to cope ie not call or any form of contact.
You are the only one that can change the situaton and let go or accept that you love him with his faults and give this relationship another go.
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A
female
reader, DiamondEyes00  +, writes (23 January 2013):
The beginning of your post is the exact situation I am in. My ex and I still love each other and have tried to let each other go. Unfortunately, no matter how much time passes by, when we see each other again, it's still the same. Granted, it's not as much time as you, but I still think it's applicable. That being said, I honestly think that when you really love someone, no matter how much time passes, they never really leave your heart. I feel that they become burned into your heart and that as time goes on, all we really learn to do is live without them. This is why I have a hard time believing that exes can be just friends, because if you were really in love with that person, there's a part of you that always will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): There are a lot of disclaimers in this post...
You can only "talk for yourself", yet you say the "emotions are still really really strong today for both sides."
It's not that I don't believe he cares for you, it just sounds as if you two have never had an honest (and sober) conversation about your feelings.
You're also correct in saying that you're being incredibly vague about what happened between you two apart from saying he deserves your scorn. Because I'm not a natural mind reader and in light of all that fuzzyness, I would suggest having a conversation with him about these feelings. You might want to confess why you're so angry with him and you might give him an opportunity to make a sincere apology.... I would hope a lot of your angst might be cleared up with that sort of meeting.
My honest impression is that you have the need to punish him with distance. That's why you can't stand him and why you can't forget him at the same time. I also have the impression that you're being just a tad haughty about it all as if you believe your better than him. If you sincerely think that's true, the get on with your life and meet someone better, but if you want to have him in your life at all, you'll have to lose the attitude.
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